White Supremacist "A Victim" claims Texas Senator

Washington, DC. April 6, 2005- Republican Senator John Cornyn of Texas condemned the conviction of white supremacist Matthew Hale yesterday saying , “See? This will only make matters worse.” Hale was sentenced Wednesday to 40 years in prison for trying to have a federal judge killed.

On Monday Cornyn declared on the floor of the senate that unpopular decisions by judges caused people to become frustrated and that led them to violence- against judges. “The courts are totally out of control” Cornyn fumed, “They make political decisions yet are unaccountable to the public."

In a later interview he said, “Just imagine how Mr. Hale felt when this obviously biased judge ruled against his trademark claim? Losing in court is terribly frustrating- and what recourse does a person have? None!”

Mr Hale, founder of the Aryan Nations and self appointed leader of the World Church of the Creator, has been under federal scrutiny for decades. An avowed hater of Blacks, Jews, Catholics, but admirer of Adolf Hitler, Hale has been linked to crimes ranging from bank robbery to extortion to jury tampering and murder.

“This is just another example of big government stomping on the rights of the little guy!” proclaimed Cornyn.

Hale was convicted in April 2004 of soliciting an undercover FBI agent to murder U.S. District Judge Joan Humphrey Lefkow of Chicago. Lefkow had ruled against Hale in a trademark dispute.

“Mathew Hale has a constituency. Just because this liberal judge disagrees with his politics she ruled against him!” Cornyn said.

Prosecutors said Hale was furious that Lefkow ordered him to stop using the name “World Church of the Creator” for his organization. The name had been trademarked previously by a church group in Oregon.

“Matthew Hale never had a chance. The judge was a woman, a Jew- at least that’s a Jew name I think, a feminist too, and a liberal! “ Cornyn fumed.

Judge Lefkow’s husband and elderly mother were murdered in late February. Initially, suspicion fell on Hale’s supporters, but a Chicago man, disheartened over a Lefkow ruling in his medical malpractice lawsuit, shot himself and confessed to the killings in a note. The Lefkows were Catholics.

“I fully understand Mr. Hale’s frustration,” Cornyn added, “There have been times when I wanted to bring my 12 guage into the senate chambers and blow Ted Kennedy’s head clean off.”

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Pope’s Will States: KEEP ME ALIVE!

Vatican City, April 7, 2005– Despite the claims of Cardinals surrounding the late, much-beloved Pope John Paul II, the Pontiff wanted “all extreme measures” used to keep him alive, it was reported today from the Vatican. When the Pope's health failed last week the church said that his desire was for no special measures to be used. A spokesman for the Church was unable to explain the discrepancy. Cardinal Bernard Gouieu, Papal Guardian, told reporters that he was following John Paul’s verbal instructions when he ordered the Vatican doctors to withhold any measures which might prolong the Pope’s life. “I spoka to him personally. He said he no wanta live lika vega-table,” the Cardinal explained. “I dunno why this wasa in his will. I gotta no explanation,” he added.

Adding to the mystery is an emerging story that “Papa’s” beloved Polish Nuns had fought vigorously with the Cardinals to save the Pontiff. Olga Kalisnacov, a cook in the nunnery, told the Rome Tribune that the Nuns had attempted to steal the Pope and hide him until he could be put on life support. “There wasa terrible fighta. The Sisters beat ata the Birds, thasa whata we call dem, Birds, they beata ata them witha those biga heavy rosaries they gota, buta the Birds theya come back ata them witha the big staffa . I saw one a Sister, her eye wasa bleeding very bad. It looka like it had beena stabbed bya pointy hat. There wasa blood everywhere!” Eventually, with the assistance of a regiment of the Swiss Guard, the twelve Cardinals were finally able to repel the two nuns.


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Iraq Elects Turd President

04/06/05, Baghdad. Emily Latella filing-The newly elected Iraqi Parliment today named Jalal Talabani as as its first president. Talabani, a Turd, presents a major political victory for Iraq's long-suffering Turdish minority, which was violently oppressed by ousted president...

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