NUMBER OF GAY/BI NASCAR DADS SWELLS

Bi-Hunks out West

Cheyenne, Wy., (WPI) - The number of ordinary middle-class American men who have realized that they are gay or bisexual continues to rise steadily. The Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation (GLAAD), which unofficially tracks the number of people who “play for the other side” or are “switch hitters,” claims there is a huge cultural eruption shooting across the face of America.

“Men who have spent their entire lives watching football, NASCAR, racing around in big trucks and ATV’s, have suddenly recognized that this life-style is totally gay,” claims Bob Downe, spokesman for GLAAD.

Gay organizations point to the film Brokeback Mountain as the stimulus for change. The film staring Heath Ledger and Jake Gyllenhaal, tells the story of two married cowboys who, left alone for long periods on the prairie, fall in love and begin a “physical relationship.” The film has been nominated for numerous awards and is currently flirting with the Oscars.

“Somehow the film has stuck a cord with the typical American male. Ordinary guys are beginning to realize that it’s OK to feel loving toward their men friends. It’s very natural and fulfilling. In fact, it’s truly beautiful,” Downe choked.

According to UC Berkeley Dean of Psychology, Art Hugeswetye, there are many forces at work that nurture a gayness in American males.

“All that super-masculine marketing that men are subject to actually describes a very gay lifestyle,” Hugeswetye said. “Look at the ads in a football game or car race. They are constant repetitive depictions of men being with men and having the best times of their lives. Why this message? Because companies that spend hundreds of millions of dollars trying to influence a purchase decision understand the potency of depicting their product in a “male bonding” scenario,” Hugeswetye asserted.

“Millions have been spent on focus groups, on marketing research of all kinds, and the conclusion is that immature male-on-male adventuring scenarios, whether it’s tear-assing around in a big phallic “ram” truck or shoving big white phallic burritos in their mouths, WORKS. Why does it work? Because the typical macho-acting American man is at least bisexual, if not totally gay. European men have awaken to the reality of their ambiguous sexuality, certainly all Frenchmen. Blue collar Mr. Joe Beercan is beginning to wake up too. A few more movies like “Bareback Mountain” and watch out!” Hugeswetye giggled.

American men seem to be reacting as predicted. WPI visited several movie theaters where the film was being shown to collect reactions. Here’s a sampling of what we found.

“For years me and a few good friends have gone on hunting and fishing trips, we go away to the races together. These are the best times of my life. If we could get laid , without all the baggage of hookers, it would be the perfect life.” said Rob Forrestal, a lumberjack from Spokane, Wa.

“Every time I went to a Raiders or Giants game there’d always be a time-out when they’d play that YMCA song. I used to mock the Village People but I’d do the dance like everybody else not really thinking about it. Now I understand where they were coming from. I really do!” said Snap-On-Tool salesman Pete Ryder.

“We’d always rather be with our buddies drinking, playing sports, hunting or even just watching tv then be with our wives. Maybe that’s gay, I dunno but I am finally feeling free enough to open myself up to the possibility.” said Rodney Bunge, a factory worker from Hershey Pa.

Added Rodney’s companion construction worker, Guy Pheeler, “We’ve seen this movie together three times now. I know how those guys felt. I’m just glad it’s beginning to be OK to feel that way. We need more movies like this.”

Next year director Ang Lee plans to shoot a film about the secret life of two Greek warriors tentatively named,”Trojan Horse. “