ANGRY VP TO INVESTIGATE RED CROSS

Crazy mad Veep

Washington (WPI)- Reacting with outrage to the allegation that nearly $200,000 in hurricane relief funding was looted from the Red Cross, Vice President Dick Cheney today named himself to lead a White House investigation into the mater.

“I am shocked. I am genuinely, personally horrified at these allegations,” said the Vice President in an early morning press conference. Cheney was responding to the news that indictments in the scheme had risen to 49.

“I will use all my authority, all my resources to root out these villains and bring them to justice!” stormed the visibly angry VP.

At least 14 suspects worked at a Red Cross call center in Bakersfield, Ca. They are accused of helping family and friends file false claims for aid money, said Mary Wenger, a spokeswoman for U.S. Attorney McGregor Scott in Sacramento.

The Bakersfield site is the biggest of three Red Cross centers that were established to manage hurricane calls. Others are in Niagara Falls, N.Y., and Falls Church, Va. Operators first qualified victims then provided them with a personal identification number which they would present to Western Union to receive the emergency aid funds. The scam involved employees providing PIN numbers to their friends and family who would then go to Western Union to collect the money.

None of those indicted were directly employed by the for the Red Cross. A spokesman for the Fort Lauderdale, Fla.-based Spherion Corporation, which operates the call center, have said the company didn't have time to run background checks on its 1,200 workers. The Red Cross contacted the FBI after it performed an audit of the call center and discovered that an unusually high number of claims were being paid out at Western Union outlets in the Bakersfield area.

“This is abhorrent, detestable, repugnant, obscene even!” fumed Cheney. “To think that civilians, citizens of the United States would so egregiously take advantage of their positions of authority simply to line the pockets of their friends and family- and, at the expense of innocent hurricane victims. This isn't like it was government money either- these were donations! Well, it’s almost more then the mind can bear.”

The Vice President promised a full and open investigation and that all wrong-doers will be punished to the fullest extent of the law. “I have consulted with Attorney General Gonzales, and we will punish these criminals under every statute we can muster.” promised Cheney. “Individuals who steal from the public coffers ought to be made to pay the maximum price!”

Although the typical false filing was for only $1000 losses may reach as high as $200,000, the Red Cross said.

The VP still owns a “blind trust” in the Halliburton Corporation, which he was the CEO of before joining the Bush administration. Halliburton has been accused of earning billions of dollars in non-competitive bids for services provided both in Iraq and for hurricane relief. Mr. Cheney did not comment directly on those accusations in today’s press conference.