MNF to ESPN! FANS TO PAY FOR MESSAGES

Grown men brave elements to promote corporate slogans

New York (WPI) - Last night saw the end of an epoch in television history when Monday Night Football left free TV, likely for good. ABC’s venerated broadcast, which had help build both the network and the NFL will no longer be seen over the air. Next year MNF will be available only on sister network ESPN, also owned by ABC/Capitol Cities.

“This is a sad but long anticipated day in television history,” understated ABC/Capitol Cities/Disney CEO Michael Eisner from Orlando. “It is not that professional football has left ABC so much as it is that we are moving closer to our goal of selling both advertising inside of programs and getting consumers to PAY to see them!”

Visiting team owner Robert Kraft of the world champion New England Patriots confirmed the concept. “Karl Marx called religion ‘the opiate of the masses,’ but he never met TV!” laughed the CEO. “Our research has confirmed that one of the basic psychological needs of human beings is to belong to a group- that’s what football is all about! If we can harness that need through sports then sell it back to people we are indeed successful businessmen! If we can sell both the need and advertising- at the same time- then we must be considered geniuses!” the modest billionaire added. All thirty two NFL teams are owned by billionaires. Jointly they employ an unidentified number of people.

The only negative note was sounded by Thomas J. Donohue, CEO of the US Chamber of Commerce. “Football is such an American institution, I fear that if consumers have to pay for it some of our long term social and political ambitions will be slowed.”

Expanding on this issue Donohue explained, “Football is one of our most powerful tools for teaching Americans, especially workers, about how to think, how to judge and what moral and political values they should hold. Professional football is crafted to promote our messages: While we permit individuals to excel, we always confine that success to the ‘contribution it makes to the team.’ It is all about team. There is the boss- the head coach and a group of totally dedicated ‘professionals’ who sacrifice everything- their health, their families, their home, personal comfort- everything of personal value for the success of the team. In exchange, they are rewarded with huge sums of money. Money that the average worker couldn’t earn in several lifetimes. When these workers are used up we discard them and get a hot new replacement. The value of total, unquestioning sacrifice, the potential of enormous, unrealistic rewards, ‘pride’ of success and accecptance of disposal- tolerating being replaced by someone yonger and faster- these are important messages to convey to the public. I hate to think we will be losing access to some folks because they now have to buy ESPN to hear those messages.”

“Tom is one of my best friends but I respectfully disagree,” countered Kraft. “There is no reason why consumers should not be asked to pay for these social and political messages. Team sports have been crafted, no pun intended, to explain to average Americans how to think and act in society today. The game is about teaching the public VALUES. Soon enough the folks who won’t or can’t pay for the NFL will find themselves out on the fringes of society, they will either drop out and disappear from the corporate radar or make the sacrifices necessary to conform, to belong to the group. I am very comfortable with the path we are going down.”

“I sincerely hope Bob is right,” said Donohue. “It has taken an enormous effort to take control of sports and turn it into the social, moral and political influence it is today. From punishing self centered individuals like Terrell Owens, to shaping the unrelenting moralizing by our announcers, to creating a machine of gleaming corporate obedience like the Patriots, the program to convert sports into ‘edu-tainment’ this has been a huge and very expensive project. It is only now beginning to deliver the spectacular returns we forecast. I hope leaving free tv doesn’t slow us down.”