OUSTED SCHOOL BOARD ACCOSTED

Crowd seeks Origin of the Feces

Dover, Pa. (WPI)- Members of the ousted Dover school board were accosted by students, teachers and parents today as they tried to leave their final meeting. Led by former chairman William Buckingham the board members were exiting Dover Senior High School when they we stopped by two 9th graders, Denny Trueheart and Eve O’Looten. The two teens demanded to know why the board had wasted so much time, money and energy trying to install the theory of “Intelligent Design” into the school’s science curriculum.

Buckingham told them to move but the students began to call him “stupid” and the board “idiots,” according to witnesses. With that, the adults tried to push past the teens to get to their cars. However, the confrontation had attracted more students who soon surrounded the board members.

“Creationism is stupid,” shouted one.

“The Universe is complex- so that proves it was made by God? Are you totally ignorant? What kind of logic is that?” demanded another.

“Intelligent Design? If the Creator is so intelligent how come we all die?” yelled out an older student.

By now the crowd had grown large and aggressive. Dozens of students were joined by faculty and parents who had come to pick up their children. Teens and adults were jostling and crushing in on the school board who looked bewildered and afraid.

“Intelligent Design?” confronted a science teacher, “Then explain Mental Retardation to me!” she demanded.

“Yeah, explain old age...and....diabetes and diarrhea and hemorrhoids!” shouted out an older Math teacher.

“Explain why the ‘Creator’ made asteroids, meteors, earthquakes, volcanoes, floods and hurricanes!” demanded the chairman of the science department.

“Guts!” yelled out a smaller boy, brother to one of the protesters, “why are we filled with smelly guts?”

“Yeah, explain the appendix! Explain the tailbone!” demanded a junior.

From all points people yelled out ideas, usually human biological frailties, demanding to know how such things could come from the creative design of a “Superior Being”

“Alzheimers!; Breast cancer!; AIDS; Blindness!; Baldness; Erectile Dysfunction!” Were some, followed by, “Siamese Twins!; SIDS!; Malaria; and Ignorance!” this last sending up a cheer from the crowd.

“Guts, stinking guts!” chanted the youngster.

“You can’t explain sh–t!” yelled out an angry senior.

“Poop!” Called out the small boy. “Explain poop!”

“Yeah, explain poop” someone demanded. It was soon taken up like a mantra, “Poop! Poop! Poop!”

The crowd of over 150 people, all bobbing in unison, chanted, “Poop! Poop! Poop!” as they pushed in on the terrified school board members.

Then Heather Geesey, one of the deposed group, let out a scream and appeared to collapse. Buckingham began to weep and looked skyward as if to find help there. “Please God, help us!” he cried out. The crowd, either disgusted or repelled by the pathetic scene, began to gradually pull back to release their hostages.

“Go on, get outa here!” and “You’re too stupid for words!” followed the shaken and sobbing group as they were freed to go to their cars.

The young boy, skipping alongside them as they hurried away, offered a new song to the tune of na-na-na-na-na-naaay,

“You can’t explain poo-oop!, You can’t explain poo-oop!”