UNION OF CONCERNED IRONICISTS DISSOLVES

We are undone!

Washington (WPI) - The Union Of Concerned Ironicists announced today that they were disbanding their organization.

“We can’t compete, “ explained a distraught Sven Censitave, spokesman for the organization. “After President Bush’s speech today, coming so closely after his press conference two days ago, we are forced to concede. We have been undone by a harsh reality.”

Mr. Censitave was referring to a speech given by the president in an effort to bolster both support for the war in Iraq and his sagging approval ratings.

“Let me offer a few quotes,” Censitave said. “Bush said, ‘Islamic radicals are seeking to enslave whole nations and intimidate the world’ and then, ‘The militants believe that controlling one country will rally the Muslim masses, enabling them to overthrow all moderate governments in the region and establish a radical Islamic empire that spans from Spain to Indonesia.’”

“It’s fantastic, I mean we make our living coming up with ideas and language that oozes irony, but who can top this stuff? He has taken precisely what the entire world is saying about America and has turned it on it’s ear!”

“Really, he’s beaten us all. It’s time to give up the game.” said Judge Rufus Peckham honorary chairman of the UOCI.

“Bush claimed to have "plenty" of political capital left, despite slumping opinion polls, an increasingly unpopular war in Iraq, and severe criticism of his role in the Hurricane Katrina debacle. The guy is unstoppable. The best we could ever do is write things like that. He gets up in front of the whole world and says it out loud!”

In announcing the dissolution, Censitave handed out a list of presidential quotes made over the last few days.

On Harriet Meirs-
* Yesterday, I nominated an outstanding individual to serve on the Supreme Court of the United States.”

* I thought long and hard about

*I know her well enough to be able to say that she's not going to change; that 20 years from now she'll be the same person, with the same philosophy that she is today.

On the hurricane aftermath-
* I'll take responsibility. I'll take all the responsibility for the failures at the federal level. Congress has got other important work to do, starting with our response to the hurricanes Katrina and Rita.

* I've also made it clear we must do so in a fiscally responsible way. Congress needs to pay for as much of the hurricane relief as possible by cutting spending.

On the budget-
* I'm going to spend it ( his political capital) in the short term on getting a budget out that is fiscally responsible, one that decreases non-security discretionary spending — actually decreases it, not increases it. Secondly, when it comes to discretionary spending — non-security discretionary spending — the budget I submitted to the United States Congress actually reduces non-discretionary, or discretionary, non-security spending. In the long run, there's two big issues looming that are budgetary issues, one, and these are the unfunded liabilities inherent in the mandatory programs of Social Security and Medicare.

On Iraq-
* "Like the ideology of communism, our new enemy teaches that innocent individuals can be sacrificed to serve a political vision."

* I will continue to work with Congress to make sure our soldiers have what they need to win the war on terror. We're making good progress in Iraq, and Iraq is a part of the war on terror. That's what the American people need to understand.

* First, let me remind people that we are at war. And I have pledged the American people — and more importantly, the troops and their families — we'll make sure they have what it takes to succeed.

* More and more Iraqi are able to take the fight to the enemy.

* Right now, there are over 80 army battalions fighting alongside coalition troops. When I say army battalions, Iraqi army battalions. There are over 30 Iraqi battalions in the lead.

*There is no justification for Iran or any other country interfering in Iraq," quoting Tony Blair.

* Success in Iraq is really important for our future.

On leadership-

* I'm still a conservative, proudly so, proudly so. Is there a need to move federal assets more quickly in spite of laws on the books that may discourage that? That's an area where I think we ought to take a good hard look.”

* “My job is to lead and solve problems.”

* I'll be glad to take some questions.

* Yes. Thank you for the question.

“Can you believe it?” exclaimed Peckam. “Bush has invoked the Crusades, blended it with scary Hitler threats of anti-Semitism and wrapped it all up in Communism! Communism for God’s sake! If Communism is so bad why do we have the biggest trade deficit in world history with China? They’re even financing the war in Iraq! ”

“I’ve been writing professionally for 30 years but I couldn’t make stuff like this up. It’s all too over-the-top. It’s not believable. In the hands of a writer it would be considered amateurish, childish. Only the President could pull it off,” said a despondent Censitave.

“When government-speak exceeds what the best fiction writers can dream up, it’s time to throw in the towel.” added Peckham.

“The mission of an Ironicist is to highlight the unbridled hypocrisies and pretenses of politicians, but when government itself gets into the game who can possible compete?”