MILITARY ACTS SWIFTLY ON ARMOR FOR TROOPS

Washington (WPI) - The US military moved quickly yesterday to get improved body armor to the troops in Iraq. Stung by recent criticism that the military had known about the vulnerabilities of the existing armor for more than two years, a joint commission was named to both investigate and expedite production and shipping.

“Our fighting men deserve the very best protection this country can provide,” said Army General George “Patton” Pendding who will head up the commission. “We will move with all appropriate speed to make this happen!”

The commission, named Operation Iraqi Metal Gear Solid, will be made up of high ranking officers from all the branches of the military.

General Pendding introduced the Committee Heads from the Commission.

Admiral Ed “Bull” Minastrater, of the Marine Corp will chair the Committee to Examine Production Costs and Facilities Locally and Abroad (CEPAFLA.)

Admiral Harry Upanstope, of the Navy, will chair the Committee to Analyze Ballistic Incursion and Penetration (CABIP.)

Colonel Hugh Lee Eneptt, of the Army will chair the Committee to Analyze Shipping, Transportation and Logistics (CASTAL.)

General Bobby “Bird” Droppens, of the Air Force, will supervise the Committee to Determine Past Production Delays (COMDATPASPRODLY)

Major Al Wayzsaclerke, of the Special Forces, will head the Committee on Coordination of Current Analysis and Hierarchical Organizational Operations (COCOOCACHOO)

General Pending said the Commission will begin meeting no later than March and he expects the first reports to be submitted by November.

“It is important that this process be as thorough as possible. While speed is of the essence the well established military procurement principles of Content, Yield and Accuracy must always take priority.”