HIGH COURT SMOKES POT LAW

Please Drink Responshably

Washinton, WPI - The right of states to regulate the medical use of marijuana went up in smoke Monday as the Supreme Court, in a staggering expansion of Federal powers, ruled that federal law controls interstate commerce, crushing the budding effort of states to conduct their own activities.

The court overturned a 2003 federal appeals decision that shielded the medical-marijuana initiative adopted by California’s voters nine years ago, known as the ‘Compassionate Use Act,’ from the reach of federal drug enforcement. The appeals court ruling held that Congress did not have the constitutional authority to regulate noncommercial cultivation and use of marijuana which did not cross state lines.

The high court decision was another confirmation of federal authority by a court long known for its willingness to limit states rights. The ruling affirmed the prerogative of Congress to prohibit and prosecute the possession and use of marijuana for medical purposes in the 11 states that permit it.

“Drugs are drugs. Just because somebody wants to use them doesn’t make them medicine. What’s next? Heroine?” asked Assistant Federal Prosecutor Harris Heydrich who followed the case.

“In fact, most effective pain relievers are heroine derivatives,” pointed out California’s Surgeon General Grace Populi. They all stem from a ‘crude plant,’ the poppy. There is a world of difference between a medical prescription for a drug written by a physician and drug abuse.” She added, “God forbid that any of these medical marijuana opponents ever get painfully sick.”

Conservative Peter Coors of Colorado who contributed more than one million dollars to the campaign to fight the use of medicinal pot commented, “This nation needs to take stock of itself. Marijuana is a serious, serious problem in America. It is illegally used for recreation and is highly recognized as the ‘gateway’ drug to more powerful forms of addiction.”

Avery Tingstifle, president of Mothers Opposing Pot Smoking (MOPS) agrees. “ There is solid evidence that marijuana leads to all the other drug addictions. Marijuana us is the number one drug problem in Christian America today.”

Captain Herbert Heuser of the Los Angles police department disagrees, “Listen, domestic violence, auto accidents, rape, murder, assault are all nearly always associated with drinking. 25% of US kids are in families of alcoholics. I have never even heard of a junkie that didn’t start out with alcohol.”

“We encourage all our consumers to drink responsibly!” countered Coors. “Besides alcohol is legal! That’s the point isn’t it?”

“I’ll tell you what, I have never seen a guy who was stoned beat up his wife” added Heuser, “and if they dare to drive they can never go faster than fifteen miles an hour!”