“RUMSFELD BEMOANS GLOBAL INTERCOURSE

Secretary of Defense in proposed 'satellite-proof' military uniform


Philadelphia, WPI - Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld declared yesterday that international reporting and interpersonal communications is now a military issue. Speaking before the World Affairs Council of Philadelphia Rumsfeld said that dealing with the world press is the military’s new, “enemy combatant.”

Noting the speed of technologies which disseminate information on events often as soon as they occur Rumsfeld asserted that the United States needs to respond to anti-American messages with greater speed and agility if it is to triumph over the dark forces of Islamic extremists.

"This is really the first war in history that is being conducted in an era of multiple global satellite television networks, 24-hour news outlets with live coverage of terrorist attacks, disasters and combat operations," Rumsfeld operatically. “The bad press is really killing us,” he concluded absolutely.

“While we can, and do, reach right into communities and destroy foreign newspapers, radio and TV stations, the US does not have an inexpensive cruise missile-type weapon in its arsenal to shoot down offending broadcast satellites.” he added expansively.

“We have mastered the media in this country. They are compliant and nondiscriminating when we want them to be, reporting what we hand them, and they can be made subservient and apologetic if we demand it.” he said creatively.

“In addition, we control several sympathetic networks which are as adept at character assassination as the Navy SEALS are at the real thing.” he said with authority. “It helps too that the Federal government controls billions of dollars worth of band-width and can level millions in censorship fines!” he added commandingly.

“The hardest military challenge is damn cell phones. We used to be able to tap any line, any where, and trace the offender and shoot him where he stood, but no more!” the Secretary vented. “And we can’t very well destroy a Verizon satellite now can we?” joked Rumsfeld ethereally.

The Secretary noted that news of torture combined with cultural and religious atrocities inflicted upon “detainees” raced around the world inflaming the passions of Moslems and inciting fatal riots.

“Twenty five years ago we could have quashed that story like a cockroach,” stomped the bugeyed Rumsfeld. “We would have raided the newspapers offices, arrested the editors, unleashed the IRS or Marines and sent a clear, chilling message to the foreign press.” the agitated Secretary sprayed.

Today, the military must cope with "a global Internet with universal access and no inhibitions, e-mail, cell phones, digital cameras wielded by anyone and everyone" he explained arbitrarily.

“If the American military could enjoin these devices, make the internet transparent, have open access to cell phone conversations and the capacity to seize anybody’s digital camera- then, we would be on the path to safety!” he said arrestingly.

Rumsfeld’s harshest words were saved for Americans themselves. “Worse yet is a seemingly casual disregard for the protection of classified information, resulting in a near continuous hemorrhage of classified documents, to the detriment of the country." he erupted. “It is a terrible example we set for the world when we cannot deter our own population’s irrational impulse for freedom from governmental control,” he discouragingly.