KARZAI KRACKS KRITICS

Krazy Krackheads

Washington, WPI - Afghan President Hamid Karzai today took on those reporting on his country in America.

Karzai exonerated Newsweek magazine for riots attributed to a one sentence allegation that American prison guards had flushed a copy of the Koran down a toilet in an effort to torment Muslim prisoners in Cuba. “Those demonstrations were in reality not related to the Newsweek story," the Afghan president said, “besides there have been hundreds of reports of similar behaviors for the past three years. Putting the most sacred book of our culture and religion in a toilet is just one of many insults, some far worse, that these soldiers inflicted on our people.”

Distancing the Newsweek allegations from the riots, Karzai said, “They were more against the elections in Afghanistan. They were more against the progress in Afghanistan. They were more against the strategic partnership with the United States.”

Quickly dismissing the topic Karzai lacerated the US State Department for, “deplorable, reprehensible and completely, irresponsible allegations about the agricultural industry in Afghanistan!”

Citing a report released in March which characterized Afghanistan as a, “narco-state” Karzai lashed out at the authors. “In the United States there is a law which limits the free speech of citizen’s forbidding them from ‘corporate product disparagement.’ Oprah Winfrey was sued for saying that beef was bad for the diet, remember?” he asked the assembled press corp gathered in the White House.

“Yet your own State Department is free to attack the largest segment of Afghani agriculture!” he stormed referring to opium poppies, the raw material for heroin.

“What would happen to me if I said the food industry in the United States was a criminal conspiracy?” asked the Afgahni president. “ The entire American population suffers from a national crisis of obesity,” he pointed out, “but what would happen if I stated that the fast food industry, processed food manufacturers and the giant agri-businesses that lobby for monestrous and disastrous subsidies were to blame?”

“I would be sued into destitution! That’s what would happen!” he thundered.

The State Department report claimed that more than 510,000 acres of land was now dedicated to poppy production and that the Afghan narcotics situation "represents an enormous threat to world stability."

“I could say the exact same thing about the sugar industry in the US!” Karzai blared.

“Oh, but in America it’s never the government’s fault or businesses fault is it?” he challenged the press rhetorically. “In America it’s never the forces of profit that are to blame. NO, it is always the fault of the individual! It is always a failure of ‘personal responsibility,’ isn’t it?” thundered the normally sedate chief executive.

“Well you know what? Afghan farmers don’t make heroin! We just grow poppies. We grow poppies because there is a huge market for the products made from it. We grow poppies because the market demands it! It is capitalism, it is free enterprise!” he stormed.

President Bush, standing beside Karzai wore a frozen smile which suggested that he knew something was wrong but wasn’t sure what.

“You don’t blame American tobacco farmers! You don’t blame US sugar producers for selling their product to Coca-Cola do you? When southern black children are obese by twelve years old from drinking that poison, no State Department reporters accuse them of being a, ‘threat to world stability!’ Do they?" he asked accusingly.

“Your entire culture is organized around encouraging the citizenry to consume worthless, harmful products and when they do, you blame the individual for the ill effects they suffer! Why is Afghanistan different. All we do is grow flowers, it’s the American individual who shoots it’s venomous product into their veins!” The visibly shaking Karzai shouted.

At that moment, apparently reacting to a message in his earphone, President Bush intervened, cutting of the Afghan leader, saying "We want these new democracies to be able to defend themselves. And so we will continue to work with the Afghans to train them and to cooperate and consult with the government."

Scott McClellan, White House spokesman, explained that President Bush was merely picking up the prepared comments where they had left off.