PENTAGON OUTRAGED OVER WELL DOCUMENTED ALLEGATIONS

The guilty potties.

Washington, WPI - The Pentagon charged that a report in Newsweek Magazine accusing US soldiers in Guantanamo of desecrating the Koran was "irresponsible" and "demonstrably false."

"We can prove, by showing that there are no supporting documents, that such desecration never occurred!” asserted Pentagon spokesman Bryan Whitman.

Newsweek countered that an “absence of documents” is not proof of anything. Randolph Barlow, spokesman for the law firm Barlow, Jacke and Schlade, representing the magazine said, “Numerous released detainees have testified that throwing the Koran into a toilet was common practice.”

“We deny those allegations!,” stormed Whitman. “Is the world going to believe the testimony of a bunch of detainees who were wrongly held without charges, suffered abuse, starvation and possible torture? They all have chips on their shoulders- what the hell do you think they are going to say?”

Barlow replied, “Let’s see if I get this right: the Pentagon denies the testimony of the victims and has no evidence one way or the other but demands that a single national news magazine apologize for something that, for the past year, has been reported many times by numerous other news outlets?”

“Yes! Absolutely!” screamed a red-faced Whitman. “The facts are clear. American soldiers tortured detainees, they defiled the detainees religious beliefs in many ways including sexually, by using forbidden pork products, use of language, photographs and a few other things that haven’t come out yet, BUT, and this is a big but, Newsweek claimed that an ‘anonymous source’ told them that the toilet episode was in this new report. Well it’s NOT!”

Spewing saliva, the near hysterical Whitman concluded, “What can be more irresponsible then reporting unsubstantiated stories and lies about an important issue?”

The Pentagon has proposed that Newsweek return the “Certificate of True and Faithful Reporting” which the White House awarded to the magazine for it’s “reliable and unscrutinized coverage” of the fictions concerning WMD’s and Saddam Hussein’s links to terrorism during the ramp up to the invasion of Iraq.

“No way!” protested Newsweek publisher Blair Hourstkrepp. “We earned that award honorably. We will never give it back!”