Arms Industry Salutes N. Korean Dictator

Kim and the Jongettes

St. Louis, WPI - An association of the west’s most important arms contractors yesterday recognized North Korea’s dictator Kim Jong II with their “Lifetime Achievement Award,” the highest honor the industry can bestow.

Comprised of large and small defense contractors and powerful lobbying groups the companies meet annually for strategic planning sessions. Corporations as diverse as Raytheon, Boeing, Lockheed Martin, Smith & Wesson, Ford Motor and Halliburton gather to, “ design new, more gruesome scenarios of menace to the free world,” as their invitation states.

This year’s organizer, Raytheon’s President Andrew Bloode added, “The demands of the defense industry are limitless but the pie is finite. Fortunately we have an extremely compliant administration willing to go to any lengths to finance the immeasurable costs of freedom.”

Added, William DiCaye spokesman for Lockheed Martin, “Not only do we have to defend freedom on our shores but now America must defend it anyplace we choose to export it, like Iraq and Afghanistan. Awesome!”

The award, given periodically, is known as a MICA. It is presented only, “to those persons, companies and corporations which make tangible contributions to the perceived safety of America and it’s citizens.” Previous winners have included Osama Bin Laden, Fidel Castro, Abdul Qadeer Khan, Fox News Network and Ronald Regan.

In making the announcement Bloode said, “The prolonged media coverage of Mr. Jong’s nuclear and missile ambitions which dramatically outstrip his nation’s capacities, and North Korea’s recent launching of rocket 65 miles into the sea have been highly significant events effecting the defense industries of the western powers. Recognized and promoted by ourselves, the sympathetic media and the Republican Congress and Administration these events have greatly enhanced our ability to lobby for, and acquire, billions of dollars for research and development of brand new weapons.”

Admitting privately that the North Korean weapon’s program was, “about as scary as the Navaho Indian program,” and that “the ‘new’ missile has a range of maybe750 miles- only 18,000 more to go!” members of the nominating committee were unanimous in their support for Mr. Jong.

“Just look at this guy,” enthused Sam Rekmore, lobbyist for Halliburton. “He’s perfect. He looks nuts, he’s a shrimp, funny haircut, glasses and he acts totally off the wall. Central casting couldn’t have come up with a better nut-job.”

Dee Kompoce, VP of Weapons Development at Microsoft, concurred adding, “We were prospering with the invasion of Afghanistan and Iraq but the focus groups were showing that long-term defense programs were not falling into place. The industry’s dream for the next quarter century is the ‘Star Wars” space based missile shield. We will never be funded for such a ‘research-intensive’ project without some very scary, photogenic whacked-out dictator with nuclear weapons and a doctored ‘delivery system.’”

“I would just like to add that the Vice President, Secretary of Defense and the press have given us invaluable support in this effort,” added Rekmore diplomaticly.

Mr. Jong could not appear in person at the event. His spokesman, Mr. Lee, said that the nation’s leader was supervising the installation of magical herbs in mattresses at one of his 500 vacation homes in North Korea but that he was both, “Honored and Offended,” by the award.