MILITARY VAMPS UP RECRUITING

Retired General Colin Powell, MC of the new show, rehearses opening number; "Don't ask; Don't Tell!"

Hollywood WPI - A commission charged with improving military recruiting announced today that it is working with Fox Television in an effort to attract more young people to serve in the military. The strategy is built around a spin-off of the wildly popular, “American Idol” TV series.

“This will be called, ‘True American Idol,'” announced Marshall Devorcess, Fox Director of Programming. “It will be a talent show, with voting from the public, but limited to only members of the armed forces.”

Rear Admiral Adam DeTorpieda, coordinator of the campaign said, “There are many talented men and women in the military, and we want to attract more. This will be many Americans fastest route to celebrity, I promise you!”

True Idol, as the program is nicknamed, will be different in several ways from its parent program. The show will pick a winner every week in several categories; singer, dancer, male and female spokesmodels, instrumentalist, comedian and a general entertainer catagory for non-traditional performers like jugglers.

“We want to maximize the number of opportunities for our potential stars.” said Gen. DeTorpieda. “The military already offers the best careers for young people- postman, clerk, bank teller, truck driver, computer programmer, we offer it all. Now we can add SuperStar to that list!”

Since the war in Iraq has bogged down and field commanders have declared that the US cannot achieve a military victory, all branches of the military have faced shrinking numbers of new recruits.

“Constant bad news is a deterrent to recruiting success,” declared Captain Charlie Keller, Media Relations Director for Army recruitment. “Personally, I think it’s treasonous for the press to carp on set-backs and the negatives of war. It hurt us in Vietnam- we had to go to the draft to get enough warm bodies. President Bush will not allow that now, for obvious reasons.”

Research by the joint services have shown that some of the “glamor” of serving in the military has evaporated. Not only do high school graduates shy away but now even their parents are discouraging enlistment.

“Vietnam was a quagmire,” said Charlestown, SC parent Kirk Urashe, “so is Iraq. I fought in southeast Asia. No way my kids are going into this one.”

“Since the all-volunteer army was implemented our marketing has focused on benefits- money for education, signing bonus, job training, health insurance and pension- your basic corporate appeal. We dropped the ‘serve your country/protect freedom’ pitch a long time ago,” said advertising executive Brad Yerhare who manages the recruiting account for the Army. “You have to adjust with the times. The one thing impoverished kids all across the country dream about today is celebrity. I say,'Join the army, we’ll give you a shot!”

The parties have also been in discussion about another recruiting project merging two of Fox’s most popular programs. Misdemeanor and “soft-felony” offenders (DWI, etc) will be apprehended in Cops then brought to trial in Judge Judy. In lieu of jail time they will be permitted to enlist. No timetable has been set.