NEW METRO PASS PLAN UPSETS RIDERS

Proposed monthly MTA pass

New York, (WPI) - On Tuesday the Metropolitan Transportation Authority announced that it had selected the Lockheed Martin company, best known for military hardware like warplanes, missiles and antitank systems, for a three-year, $212 million contract to create a surveillance and security system for NY’s subways.

But one aspect of the project emerged today that has many MTA riders up deeply upset. The Express Pass Suppository Plan has subway users red-faced and angry. According to documents obtained by World Press International, Lockheed and the MTA plan to issue a monthly all-you-can-ride pass in suppository form.

“The benefits are enormous,” the documents, prepared by Colin Scrappe, vice president of Lockheed Martin's Transportation and Security Solutions unit, said. “The suppository can contain all manner of information: a digital photo of the user; their name, address and phone number; monthly travel history; a thumb print (obviously!); consumer behavior; internet usage; even their credit report.”

The papers argue that a data device carried internally by NYC’s enormous rider base would provide an unprecedented level of security. It is estimated that upwards of 95% of all subway users buy a monthly pass.

“Lochheed Martin research has shown that homicidally agitated people invariably develop loose bowls. This might be our first warning of a pending terrorist attack.”

According to former Lockheed employee and WPI consultant, Ima Soare, the suppository technology derives from a military weapons program begun several years ago.

“Right now the basic hardware is ‘off-the-shelf.’ It consists of a small tapered ceramic cylinder with a computer chip inside. It can be programed to do a variety of tasks and holds about 1mg of data.” Soare said.

“It was originally designed as an anti personnel weapon. We could drop millions of these across a battlefield. They’d bury themselves in the ground and when a warm body came near they’d come out, crawl up the person and detonate. Our troops would have a control device set at a specific frequency to neutralize them. They delayed the project because of spontaneous ignition. When I left they were still working out the bugs.”

The Lockheed documents show that the MTA model, once embedded, would release tiny “velcro-like” hooks to attach the “Bullet Pass,” as it’s called, to the wall of the colon. At the end of the month the consumer can either electronically renew the pass or evacuate it.

Recharging the Bullet Pass will require the construction of several privacy booths in each subway station for programing the data.

“This is important technology,” the documents conclude, “The data collected from the Bullet Pass, when sold to advertisers, will more than offset the cost of installation. If we can save even one life by implementing this project it will have been worth it. Consumer education is the key.”

Numerous privacy groups are gathering tomorrow in Manhattan to demand details on the project.

The Lockheed Martin Corporation is owned by Wal-Mart.

Science and Fiction reporter Phillip K. Dick contributed to this story.