RECRUITERS OFFER ‘VIRGINS’ TO RESERVISTS

Heaven can't wait

Washington, (WPI) - Army recruiters, hard pressed to make their quotas, have now begun to lure new recruits with promises of, “from one to one hundred virgins.” World Press International has learned. The pledge comes in the form of a brochure being sent directly to the homes of potential recruits.

The offer states, “As an active member of the Army Reserve you’ll receive career training, money for college and, if you are killed in combat, one hundred virgins in heaven.” Later in the pamphlet the Army claims, “Most recruits come into the reserves virgins themselves. All but a lame few leave that way!” The document feature standard army images of students in class, graduates in cap and gown, soldiers running an obstacle course. Oddly out of place is a semi-nude image of women titled, “Virgins.” The brochure is designed to look “hip and X-treme” according to Amy Lowe, art director for the Lowe, Browe and Drabbe agency which created it for the Army.

In an exclusive interview, Ms. Lowe disclosed that the Army was specifically targeting more Muslim recruits.

“Apparently they can get any information out of high schools that they want. They trade schools some kind of ‘aptitude test’ which really just pre-qualifies kids for military service. It’s a pretty clever plan.” revealed Lowe. The test includes religious and ethnic heritage so the Army can tailor it’s recruiting efforts to specific demographics.

“They don’t want to send a black, gangsta, hip-hop brochure to some geeky white kid in suburbia- and vice versa.” said Lowe. “This whole virgin thing is targeting Muslims. They can’t get laid in real life I guess.”

In England it was revealed that the four suicide bombers whose bombs failed to go off had each been promised by their cleric handlers that 100 virgins would be waiting for them in heaven. This was sufficient motivation even though some of the would-be killers were married with children.

“This is crazy bullsh-t.” exclaimed Rasheed Al Ammana, a high school junior from Detroit who received one of the recruiting pamphlets. “I’m going go get my ass shot off, or worse, ‘cuse I’m gonna get virgins in heaven?! Sh-t, i can nail all kind’a skanks around here and the worst I’ll get’ll be herpies.” Al Ammana describes himself as a devoted Muslim.

The Office of Recruiting for the Army did not return repeated calls for comment.