ROBERTSON CLAIMS KATRINA CREDIT

Robertson salutes destruction

Virginia Beach, (WPI) - Televangelist Pat Robertson took credit for the enormous destruction of hurricane Katrina today on his 700 Club program.

“Just last week, we all prayed together, right here, for the Lord to cleanse the vile approbates that inhabit this godless swath of earth!” Robertson told viewers, referring to New Orleans.

“This devil’s den was the epicenter of the sinful, orgiastic depravities which so besmirch the American population. God Almighty has answered our fervent prayers. In His blessed wisdom He has heard us, and like the Aegean Stables of Hercules, he has purified this despicable headquarters of sin.”

Co-anchor, Blanche Swalloe, earned Robertson’s ire when she added, “Thank you Lord for your power, for showing Christians your will. Thank you Almighty God for smiting this evil hub of drinking, gambling, fornication, drug use and colored music.”

“That’s not why God did it!” snapped the visibly angry Robertson. “We prayed to destroy the Fifth Federal Court and wipe out the last vestiges of the French on American soil! Weren’t you listening?”

New Orleans Mayor, Ray Nagin, on learning of Robertson’s comments said, “Look, we have a lot on our plate right now. He really said that about the French?"

Traditional supporters of the televangelist also moved quickly to distance themselves from the remarks.

Senate Majority leader, and unabashed Christian poser, Tom Delay released a statement saying, “The Republican Senate is deeply sorrowed about the loss of life and property caused by Hurricane Katrina. Our prayers are with all those who are suffering. The contributions of the French to America are great and cannot be denied. I’m sure my friend Pat was referring to the unforgivable failure of the arrogant French government to join the war on international terrorism. I agree about the Federal Court, however. God recognized the need to remove these activist judges. Remember, they were the ones who ordered the removal of the Ten Commandments from the courthouse. I believe this is the intervention of the Almighty that we all have been asking and praying for.”

Gov. Kathleen Blanco said, “I think these people are a little bit crazy.”
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BUSH SENDS GUARD UNITS TO HELP

Carlsbad, Ca. (WPI) - Reacting to the unease created by Suni dissatisfaction over conditions in the proposed Iraqi constitution President Bush today announced that more troops will be sent to Iraq.

Taking a break from his month long vacation, the President and First Lady spoke to the press after exploring the famous caves nearby. Not in their original vacation plans the Bushs traveled to California on Air Force One after heavy rain was forcast for their ranch in Crawford Texas.

“Donald called me this morning,” Bush said referring to Secretary of Defense Rumsfelf “It is the opinion of our generals on-site that we beef up the forces until we pass through this remarkable, historic moment in the evolution of democracy in the Arab world.”

“I spoke to the Army Chief-of-Staff and we have 1500 reservists actually already prepared and everything in Mississippi so we’re shipping them out today.”

The President then asked members of the press corp for new information on victims from hurricane Katrina. “That’s sad.” he said on learning the latest casualty figures from an AP reporter.

The President and Mrs Bush are scheduled to visit the famous Hearst Mansion at San Capistrano later today.