MILITARY EXPLAINS PROLIFERATION OF “NUMBER 2 MAN"

Iraqi press corp examine trampled pastry

Bahgdad (WPI) - Despite a sleepy and frightened press corps, entirely reliant upon the military for food, shelter and safety, members of the media challenged the Army to explain why there appear to be so many “Number 2 Man" men in Iraq and Afghanistan.

During a regular press briefing, catered by Kellogg/Brown the Halliburton subsidiary which supplies all the food and dining services to nearly 150,000 military in the region, a reporter from Knight Rider ventured to ask the question that has been nagging reporters here for months.

“General,” asked a groggy Lance D. Integritti, addressing General John Abizaid, the commander of U.S. forces in Iraq and Afghanistan, “I don’t have an exact count but since the war started I think the US has killed about 12 or 13 “Number 2 Man" men. How is that possible?”

The normally docile press group, most just settling in for their first cup of Starbucks coffee, visibly stiffened when they heard the question. Fearing hostility from their hosts the room went eerily silent.

“Well,” the apparently confused General began, “ We have so many Number 2 Man men because we kill so many of them. So when you kill the first Number 2 Man, then another guy moves into the Number 2 slot. Then we kill him.”

Integritti, mysteriously failing to drop the subject despite the General’s obvious discomfort, pursued the matter. “But General, we haven’t killed all the Number 2 Man men, we’ve captured some. Aren’t they still Number 2 even if they are captivity.”

“No!” the stiffening commander replied gruffly. “Once they are in custody they loose their ranking!”

The reporter shot back, to the growing nervousness of the assembled press, “When I covered Organized Crime in New York we always kept the designation. Just because a guy is in jail doesn’t mean he loses his standing.”

“Well, we don’t do it like that mister!” fired back the General, clearly irritated.

Integritti, failing to notice the anxiety he was causing in his peers, or the slowly approaching Mps, continued on the General.

“Doesn’t the repetition of the claim give a false impression of the progress we’re making here?”

“Of course not, “ shouted Abizaid, “Whenever we capture another Number 2 Man it’s newsworthy!”

“Don’t you think the public is going to catch on after awhile? They know that almost 2000 GI’s have been killed over here and all we ever do is catch the Number 2 Man. They’re going to figure it out you know!”

At that, the red-faced General waved his arm and the MP’s cleared the room, sending reporters scrambling to grab a Danish or bearclaw on the way out. Many fell to the floor and were trampled.

Integritti was detained but later released.

“I want to apologize to my fellow reporters,” he said in a written statement issued upon his release. “I was a little cranky because I hadn’t had my morning coffee. I also apologize to General Abizaid for any discomfort I may have caused him. I meant no disrespect to him or the wonderful men and women defending our freedoms here in the middle east War on Terror.”