PROPERTY OWNER: ‘WHITTINGTON DRUNK’

___________________ YeeeeHaa!

Austin, (WPI) - The owner of the game farm/ranch where Vice President Dick Cheney shot hunting partner Harry Whittington now alleges that the victim may have been drunk.

MS. Katharine Armstrong, who first reported the accident to the local newspaper more than 18 hours after it happened, now says that Whittington had been in his limousine drinking twenty five year old scotch in the hours leading up to the accident. The shooting occurred about 5:30 PM CT.

“This kind of hunting, where we drive around in limos an’ jump out at stations to shoot at the released birds is a social event as much a recreational hunt,” said Ms. Armstrong. “It is an important exercise in our second amendment rights as well.”

The Vice Presidents’s limousines, crafted by the Secret Service hosts “a complete wet bar,” according to a person who replenishes the food and beverages at the White House but wished to remain anonymous for fear of losing his job. Texas law does not prohibit drinking in vehicles on private property.

“It’s like big ole’ Chinese fire drill out he’ya,” drawled gamekeeper Sonny Downe. “They ‘al drive up to where we lettin’ the birds outta the cages, climb out, shoot at a few and pile back inna limos. They always changing who’s sittin’ with who. All them lobbyists, an’ the women too, they all wanna be with Mr. Cheney.”

Ms. Armstrong a popular Republican fund raiser and lobbyist did not deny the process.

“Oh, that’s the fun of it all!. We have a drink, chit-chat, maybe talk a little business, hunt for a while and then switch partners and do it all ova’ agin! It a classic Texas get-together!”

Ms. Armstrong was adamant that Vice President Cheney had not been drinking during Saturday’s hunt.

“Oh no! Dick loves his single malt scotch, I can say that, but last Saturday he didn’t touch a drop all day, an’ we all had been drinkin’ since about noon.”

“I know that po’ ole’ Harry was a little tipsey. He was with Dick just about two stations befo’ an’ when he got in the next limo he looked pretty sloshed.” Armstrong said.

Doctors, siting Secret Service agents and the HIPPA privacy law, refused to say if a blood test had been taken or if there were any signs that Whittington had been drinking.

“It is not ordinary practice in the state of Texas to test for drunkenness with a gunshot wound,” said hospital spokeswoman Sandy Overfaks. “In fact, I think it’s illegal unless the police request it. Besides, that’s all we’d be doing.”

Ms. Armstrong denied that the 18 hour delay before the press was informed about the incident was to minimize the effects of alcohol use by members of the party.

“Oh, of course not! We all just didn’t think it was all that important. Really it was Dick himself that suggested I call the paper on Sunday."

Whittington, reached for comment could not reply since his entire face is wrapped in bandages. Neither the hospital or the Secret Service would say when the wraps might be removed.

In a related story the National Rifle Association announced that it was in the process of rewriting portions of its Gun Safety Guidelines and had already changed the responsibility for shooting safety from the gun wielder to those coming up from behind.

Claiming that the code revision and the Vice Presidential shooting were coincidental, NRA spokesman Barry Armes said, “This has been in the works for some weeks. It’s only common sense that sneaking up behind someone relieves the person with the gun from being responsible for shooting them.”