CONSERVATIVES RALLY TO SAVE SHARON

Let him knosh!

Washington (WPI) - Conservatives from all across America rallied in front of the State Department in Washington yesterday to demand that Israel keep Prime Minister Ariel Sharon on life support systems in perpetuity and that a second, larger feeding tube be inserted to nourish the robust PM. The gravely ill Sharon, who has been in a coma since he suffered a deadly stroke in January, underwent emergency stomach by-pass surgery yesterday. Sharon’s wife claimed her husband told her that he desired a “Do Not Resuscitate” order in the event he was gravely ill, but that such order only take effect after his stomach was stapled.

“Ariel always said he would rather die then not eat good food. That is how he lived. If a miracle happens and he wakes up, cutting out his stomach was his pledge, his sacrifice to God for his mercy.”

Conservatives and the Religious Right are opposed to any person, domestic or foreign, having and implementing a DNR.

“You might argue that this is not our business,” said Jeb Bush governor of Florida, leading Budinski in the Terri Schiavo case, brother to President Bush and son of President Bush.


“You might argue that this is God’s business and we agree! We are here to do God’s business as we have been told to do it, Amen!” he told the cheering crowd of about 40 supporters.

“This man be just a Jew, and not entitled to place in heaven, “ declared Christian supremacist and televangelist Jerry Falwell, “But by God, it is our duty to keep his remains alive as long as technologically possible, so sayeth the Lord!”

Also at the rally were the parents of Terry Schiavo who fought a long losing battle to keep their daughter’s corpse alive in a macabre vegetative state for almost fifteen years.

“Life is life,” declared Bob and Mary Schindler, Schiavo parents, “It matters not if there are any functional components inside the skull, as long as the lungs and digestive track are forced to operate then we say, nay, God says, ‘This person has LIFE!’”

The Shindlers were signing advance copies of their book, “We Hear God,” which is being released by Time Warner on March 28. They refused to discuss on-going negotiations regarding a made-for-tv movie.

To the protestor’s disappointment Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist, who took a leading role in the Terry Schiavo case, did not attend this event despite the broad coverage by 24 hour news channels. Asked on NBC's Meet the Press in January if he had any regrets regarding the case, Frist said: "Well, I'll tell you what I learned from it, which is obvious. The American people don't want you involved in these decisions." Frist was referring to both Frist himself and the federal government.

Frist, a medical doctor, was widely mocked for making a video diagnosis of Shhiavo’s condition.

"I didn't make the diagnosis," Frist fudged to NBC, "I raised the question of whether or not she was in a persistent vegetative state."

He also was derided for strong-arming Congress to pass a bill enabling a federal court to review the case for the 76th time. President Bush returned from his Texas ranch to sign the bill into law, marking the first time in six years Mr Bush cut a Presidential vacation short. But a radical Republican “activist” federal judge refused to order the tube reinserted, adhering to the precedent set in the previous 75 court decisions in the matter.

The State Department had no comment.