RUMSFELD REASSURES VICTIMS

Attaboy!

New Orleans (WPI) - Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld yesterday visited military rescue workers at a makeshift triage unit at the New Orleans International Airport as evacuations of Hurricane Katrina continued. Rumsfeld, accompanied by General Richard Myers Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, patted newly arrived soldiers on the arm and wished them well.

“Buck up, fellows!” Rumsfeld ordered the troops. “There is a lot of work to be done yet, they tell me.” The rescuers are being deployed for the gruesome task of collecting the dead. Teams will scour flooded streets and homes looking for survivors and recovering corpses.

The Secretary had been scheduled to visit the devastation in downtown New Orleans but the local National Guard commanders said they could not guarantee his safety with from thousands of angry citizens, starving and abandoned in the city. The number of National Guard on the ground here is estimated to be anywhere between 1,200 and 16,000, but even commanders are uncertain.

Col. Dirk Scabbard, from the Louisiana National Guard told Rumsfeld that rescue efforts were being impeded by an influx of new “refugees” who were wandering into the city believing it to be the best place to be saved.

Mr. Rumsfeld pleaded with the public, “Please, stay in your homes, we will be there to rescue you as soon as we can. Don’t come to New Orleans, our workers are already overloaded and you’ll just make matters worse. Watch your local stations or Fox News for more information. Hang in there folks, the calvary is on the way!”

After posing for pictures Rumsfeld, told the press he was returning to Washington for a scheduled meeting with top military advisers to formulate a new offensive in Iraq. “We have other disasters to deal with too you know.” he said flashing his famous deaths-head grin.