CORPUS CHRISTI EVACUATES

Monster Vaticane threatens lives

Texas (WPI) - As the huge Vaticane roared toward Texas, the largest Catholic seminary in America, Corpus Christi, prepared to evacuate it’s student body. The Vaticane, named Inquisition 2, was expected to make landfall early Monday. The threat spurred a traffic-snarled exodus toward more liberal ground and fears it could cripple the heart of the nation's priest producing industry.

Inquisition 2 appeared to be headed directly toward Corpus Christi but warnings were also issued for seminaries in Houston and fragile New Orleans, still recovering from a category 4 barrage of priestly predation.

“Why us, why now?” wondered seminarian Richard Elongue of Dallas, as he prepared to evacuate. “I doubt we have any more gay students then any other school. Why is the Vaticane striking here?”

Inquisition 2 is expected to inflict severe damage on the priestly community. Excommunications as high as 100% are expected. Even the damage from mere expulsion is expected to cause sudden and long term harm. Lives will be ruined, people’s home destroyed.

The magnitude of the storm has not been seen in modern times. The last religious attack of these dimensions was Inquisition I which began in the Middle Ages. Forecasters are predicting the worst.

“This seems to be the culmination of so-called Christian Conservatism and abject bigotry ever seen in modern times,” said Peter Saint Thomas, theologian at Georgetown University. “Despite the clarity and purity of Christ’s directive to ‘Love thy neighbor’ secular intolerance has merged with the Pope’s demand for more US funding to produce a war on homosexuals. As they say, the first casualty of religious war is virtue.”

Seminaries along all of inland America were on alert for the pending storm. “This could spell the end of the Church,” said Dusty Sandell a student at Corpus Christi. “Unless they plan on allowing women priests!”