ROBERTS SHOCKS DEMOCRATS

Breathtaking!


Washington (WPI) - Entering his third day of hearings to become Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, President Bush’s nominee John Roberts shocked Democrats with his startlingly handsome appearance.

“You know, he is very good looking,” enthused panel member Senator Joe Biden. “A few times I just stopped listening and found myself staring.”

Senator Ted Kennedy agreed, “He is so handsome! Even when I feel like he’s being a little evasive I just can’t get mad at him. He’s too good looking.”

Senator Orin Hatch of Utah was quick to point out what he called “the Democrats slow recognition of the obvious.” He said, “President Bush was well aware of Judge Roberts appearance when he nominated him. He is a very handsome man, just the kind we need to lead our Supreme court in these very difficult times.”

While reporters have contested that the nominee has blankly refused to describe his personal legal beliefs, shedding doubt on his position on key issues like abortion, right-to-die, school prayer, eminent domain, the death penalty and voter rights among others, they too agree that Roberts is very good looking.

“He’s a judge a girl could swoon over!” gushed Cokie Roberts (no relation) of NPR. “I’m not sure where he stands on issues important to America but he is a ‘looker,’ that’s for sure.”

Legal scholars surprisingly are divided over Roberts qualifications.

“We’re talking about a man who might head the court for the next forty years!” exclaimed professor of law, Abe Baker-Charles of Georgetown School of Law. “It’s easy to get lost in that smile, but just once I’d like to hear a straight answer.”

Joked friend Lief Notturne Law Professor from Antioch School of Law, “Roberts is polished, buff, slick, mature, witty and wiley. Abe needs to clean those coke-bottle glasses he wears!”

It is predicted that Roberts will easily win the appointment when the senate votes next week.

“This man looks exactly like a Chief Justice should.” summarized Hatch. “He is a fine Republican. He is educated and savvy. Judge Roberts is far too slick and well coached to get trapped into answering those tedious questions from the Democrats. He’s what America needs.”

Biden added, “It’s interesting. He actually reminds me of Bill Clinton a little bit. Just more handsome.”