ROVE v. WADE

New Director of Reconstruction collects data

Washington, (WPI) - Largely ignored by the mainstream media was a report out of the White house that President Bush had named his top political adviser, Karl Rove, to manage the reconstruction of the Gulf Coast. Previously Vice President Dick Cheney had been in charge.

A top White House aide, familiar with the events leading up to the change, speaking anonymously for fear of reprisal, said that the negotiations had been bitter at times.

“Cheney was very upset at first. He argued to the President that he had the best contacts in the business world. He could get reconstruction contracts into place quickly and efficiently. Dick said that most deals were already done and changing things now might screw some of them up.”

The aide went on, “Rove was quick to seize on the argument. ‘That’s why we have to move you away, Dick!’ Karl said. ‘You own Halliburton, everybody knows the White House’s connection to Flouron, Bechtold and the others. It’ll look like just another huge give-away. I don’t have your personal connections. Besides, people are afraid to mess with me- the press rags on you all the time.’”

Another White House staffer, also speaking anonymously for fear of reprisal, agreed.

“The turning point came when Karl promised that Dick could still cut all the construction deals. Karl made it clear that his own role was strictly PR and spin. He argued that what the president needed most was a way to recoup his image. It was obvious that Cheney was not the man. Dick finally agreed.”

Given the degree that this announcement was ignored in the media it is widely acknowledged that Rove was right saying, “people are afraid to mess with me.” Still, there are critics.

Former FEMA Director under President Clinton, James Lee Witt, has been especially harsh. “Rove? Rove? What does he know? This isn’t a ‘press crisis,’ this involves real human beings, real citizens in dire distress.” Witt said. “Has the guy ever even shown compassion for anybody in his entire life? He’s a hatchet-man and propagandist. What the hell is going to do besides push the blame onto others and manufacture a fantastic excuse for the President’s and FEMA’s failures?”

Barbra Boxer, D-Ca., said, “Karl Rove was born an illegitimate child in Utah. He didn’t know he was a bastard until he was nineteen and has been trying to improve on the title ever since. The man didn’t graduate from college and has claimed that George W. Bush was ‘the most charismatic man I ever met.’ What kind of decision-making can you expect from a guy like that?”

Liberal Democrat Ted Kennedy, D-Ma., said that the only reason Rove has been appointed is for damage control.

“What is this man’s management experience? “ Kennedy asked. “He ran a political direct-mail printing company in Texas, that’s it. Is he qualified to oversee a two hundred billion dollar reconstruction project? Karl Rove only does one thing well- he plans and directs large-scale programs of deceit, like the ‘Swift Boat Veterans.’ By the time he’s finished, Americans will believe George Bush spent all of hurricane Katrina with his finger in the dyke instead of vacationing in Texas and fund raising in California!”

Scott McCellen, White House spokesman said, “The President believes this is the right man for the job.” Mr Rove was not available for comment.