Bush Pushes Environmental “Everything Is Beautiful Act”

4/22/05. Knoxville-President Bush today celebrated “Earth Day” by visiting an airport near America’s most polluted National Park. He used the opportunity to urge Congress to pass his top environmental bill, the “Everything Is Beautiful” act.

“God gave us this beautiful world and all the things in it,” he espoused. “It’s right there in the Bible, ya’ll look it up!” the President urged to steady applause from the hand picked campaign workers, airport employees, cops and soldiers ordered into attendance. Though the crowd was small the clapping reverberated off the hard metal walls of the hangar.

The threat of light rain caused Bush to cancel a trip into the Park. Instead he spoke at a podium while Air Force One revved it’s engines impatiently nearby.

“The Almighty blessed America and Americans with more natural resources then anywhere else," Bush said. "He instructed us to, 'Go forth and propagate!' Ya’ll know what that means?" a few muttered “no’s" rose from the assemble. “That means we must go forth and take what we need from the earth. Take it, use it! God has told us, ‘I will provide for you,’ who are we to doubt the word of the Lord?” Bush preached to the hooting, supportive congregation.

Beside Bush stood Stephan Johnson Bush’s selection to lead the Environmental Protection Agency. Johnson appointment is being held up due to congressional objections to the “Everything Is Beautiful” act.

Opponents to the bill call it a “disaster,” a “nightmare,” some have labeled it, “Environmental Armageddon.” The bill would open up Federal forests to unlimited logging, with no replanting obligation; it opens all of the US coastline, including the fragile ecosystems of Alaska, Florida, Louisiana and New England to unrestricted oil drilling; it rolls back air and water pollution standards below their 1960 limits and removes all deadlines for industry to improve their polluting.

“I am not afraid,” said the President grinning. “Look at me, do I look afraid? I am not going to die from helping business, business is what creates JOBS, “ he hissed in a staged, theatrical manner. “Hear me people: Business creates jobs. Ya’ll want jobs don’t ya? Ya’ll want work, right?” A smattering of applause went up from the cold, confused crowd.

“These people..these eco-terrorists, as my friend Rush calls ‘em. They’re just wrong. God will provide. He always has. Who are we to question his wisdom?” the President asked with a big smile.”

Critics fear that the unilateral roll back of pollution standards will irreversibly effect not only the US but Canada as well. They also worry that the US will be providing a model for other unscrupulous industrialized nations to repeal their own standards.

“Lookit,” Bush continued, “God made the earth right? He didn’t make ‘scientists’,” the President making air quotes, “they come from man. These guys go out get a liberal education and become so-called experts. But who really knows!? Who besides them can understand all that scientific lingo, all that crazy jargon. We are just simple people, am I right?” Bush asked soliciting a muted applause. “God made the earth. God made America. He made the Constitution and gave us freedom. Who are these liberal educated woman and men to challenge the wisdom of God?” Bush went on, in an apparent hurry to finish.

“This law that me and my friends in industry have written will make America a better country, a stronger nation, a safer place!” The President urged the crowd. “Ya’ll want a better, stronger, safer America, don’t ya?” The crowd reacted with it’s most energetic applause. However an Air Force technician in the back of the hangar appeared to be adjusting the volume on a separate PA system.

“Let me just say this before I leave your beautiful state,” Bush said leaning forward to seem more intimate with the crowd, “Everything will be fine. God loves you. I love you. I won’t let anything bad happen to you. Business is a good thing. God and I will provide. We will take care of the environment. Don’t ya’ll worry about a thing!” Waving, the President was rushed from the podium and scrambled into his giant Boeing 757 aircraft.

Mr Bush was flying to his Texas ranch to spend the weekend preparing for meetings with Crown Prince Abdullah of Saudi Arabia . Both men are oil magnates and their families are close friends and business associates. According to Scott McAllen, White House press Secretary, Mr Bush was compelled to fly to Texas and back for the weekend, “So he will be fresh and relaxed for his meeting with the Crown Prince.”