Congress to Probe Steroid Use Among Evangelicals

Senate Majority Leader Frist adresses the volks

WASHINGTON (WPI) - The U.S. congressional committee holding hearings on the use of steroids in major league sports announced today it will meet next week on efforts to curb the use of performance-enhancing drugs among the Christian Right.

The House of Representatives Government Reform Committee said that those invited to testify so far include: Tony Perkins of the Family Research Council; James Dobson, founder of Focus on the Family; and the Rev. Jerry Fallwell, Faux Leader of the Moral Majority.

The panel has already heard from some of the biggest names in Major League Baseball, the NFL and the NBA. A spokesperson for the committee said those sought from the Christian Right were expected to show up for the hearing’s without the need for a subpoena.

"I don't know how the public feels about it, but I think the committee members are pretty united on this. It's a huge issue, and it needs to be taken care of," chairman Tom Davis, R-Va., said in a statement.

“According to Gallup polls there are only about 30 million people who describe themselves as ‘Evangelical” or ‘born again’ yet they behave as if they are bigger, better, holier and more righteous then the rest of us. There is obviously a problem.”

Worried that steroid use among conservative Christians encourages liberal, Jewish and agnostic youths to try the drugs, the committee is examining the need for testing policies throughout the bible-belt.

"How is the average American supposed to look at the aggression, hostility and monumental self righteousness of today's fundamentalist Christian leaders and not conclude that they might be taking performance-enhancing drugs?" Davis asked.

Ralph Reed, representing an alliance of quasi fascist Religious groups, told a hastily assembled press conference, “We will cooperate fully with any investigation. It is God's will which is powering our unstoppable mission.”

Reed, in Louisville Kentucky for the “Justice Sunday” telecast, added, “We are bigger, stronger, faster and more sactified then other feeble doctrines. Jesus has provided, through His almighty powers of pharmacology, the remedies to empower us to choke the life out of heathen liberals. We shall fracture and gash the godless Bill of Rights and stomp Labor into a writhing, bloody mush.

The Reverend Jerry Fallwell was scheduled to join Reed at the press conference but was suddenly hospitalized last night. Said hospital spokesperson, Anesha Shareed, “All I can tell you is that his balls exploded.”