2ND FEMALE PUNISHED, ARABS APPEASED

Ex Female General Karpinski and brother Rutger Hauer

WASHINGTON, WPI - The Army today demoted Brig. Gen. Janis Karpinski, whose Army Reserve unit was in charge of the Abu Ghraib prison compound during the period of abuse. The Army also cleared three other, more senior generals of misdeeds, all men, in the prisoner abuse scandal.

Karpinski is now the only general to be disciplined thus far. She is the only officer above the rank of Major to be punished. The demotion means her career in the military is effectively over.

The Army's inspector general investigated four allegations against Karpinski: dereliction of duty, making a "material misrepresentation" to investigators, failure to obey a lawful order and shoplifting. Only the shoplifting and dereliction of duty allegations were substantiated.

An anonymous government official said Karpinski was accused of shoplifting a cosmetic item from a store on an Air Force base while she was a colonel. Karpinski did not report her alleged arrest because she denied it ever happened.

A spokesman for the Inspector General said, “Look, I know it seems like a reach that an Army Colonel would shoplift a lipstick much less get busted for it, but several impoverished women employed in the commissary swore to it after lengthy questioning by military police.”

Many in Congress have harshly criticized the Pentagon for refusing to hold more senior officers in Iraq accountable and instead putting the bulk of the blame on lower-ranking female soldiers like Karpinski and Pfc. Lynndie England.

Shelby Kickis one of Karpinski's defense team pointed out that, “the Army is saying ‘she's the only senior leader that had any part in this,’ but then they say she didn't have a direct part in it. Make any sense to you?" Kickis accused the Army of protecting the good-ole-boys, “They picked the easiest link in the chain of command to cut- right at my client’s prettily made up eyes.”

In addition to being demoted, Karpinski received a written reprimand and was formally relieved of command of the 800th Military Police Brigade. Dropping her in rank to colonel required approval from President Bush, and officials said that he readily granted it.

Speaking at a later press conference Bush said, “When I met With Crown Prince Abdullah of Saudi Arabia last week he said we could get the Arabs to clam up, you know be satisfied and let it go, if we punished, ya' know humiliated, a few females.

The exiting president added, “Ya’ see, they don’t give a armadillo’s turd about the prisoners. They do far worse to their own people then what them young kids did at Aboo Grabby (sic.) They just wanna see us eat a little crow on this female equality deal. It’s an Islammy thing!”