OFFICIAL BLAMES REPORTERS FOR INCREASE IN TERROR THREATS

Rice seeks tissue after
wanked-off frat boys refuse hanky

WASHINGTON, WPI - The battle against international terrorism remains "formidable" for the United States and its allies, with 651 significant attacks killing 1,900 people worldwide last year, asserted two U.S. government reports released Wednesday.

Both the National Counterterrorism Center and the State Department released annual reports on global terrorism.

The State Department report said "international terrorism continued to pose a significant threat to the United States and its partners in 2004." While the preliminary NCTC report identified the number of events and casualties.

Terrorist attacks were up markedly from 2003 when the State Department reported 208 attacks killed 625 people worldwide. 175 of those attacks were deemed "significant," which was a world’s record according to the Guinness Book.

However, the NCTC's acting director, John Brennan, stressed Wednesday that the newest data cannot be compared accurately to previous numbers, saying a more comprehensive review was conducted for the 2004 figures.

“Just ignore these numbers.” Brennan told a hand picked group of reporters taken to lunch in an exclusive DC restaurant. “Our improved reporting techniques, along with the war in Iraq, are the primary reasons for the significant growth in the number of terrorist incidents being reported," Brennan said. "This increase in the number of incidents being reported today does not necessarily mean there has been a growth in actual terrorist incidents,” he strained to explain.

“What I’m trying to say is this: while there are many more terrorist attacks and casualties since we invaded Iraq, you shouldn’t pay attention to them. It’s really not any worse then it was. Even though the numbers are way up.” Brennan struggled.

“Wait, let me put it a different way. Now, first- we never tried to lie about the numbers in the past. That whole revision thing we had to do, remember where the data processing guys left six months out of the report last year, well, that was an accident, and you shouldn’t conclude that we’re lying now, or somehow trying to divert the reality of things or like I said, lie.” Brennan stopped, sweating.

"The data you will see today represents a break from previous years, and the numbers can't be compared to previous years in any meaningful way," he went on. “See, the problem is...before...the people who reported the data, I guess, they weren’t very good or whatever. The numbers last year, before the election, and this never had anything to do with Karl Rove like some of you cynics claimed, the numbers were just not collected too good.” Brennan’s eyes darted rapidly as he continued.

“What I'm saying is, this data doesn’t really show an increase in terror attacks, I mean it does but, the problem really is you reporters. See...before, WE were in control of collecting the data. Now you people, reporters, you... well, now YOU are mainly the ones keeping track and it seems you do it better and we have to include the stuff you find.” Brennan drank some water, wiped his brow and tried to conclude.

“This is a nice lunch isn’t it? Nice place. We’re picking up the bill here too you know,” he added as an aside. “See it’s not that we or anybody tried to suppress the numbers before the election, it’s just that you damn guys, well, you report too much, you see the problem?” he hadded with half a smile.

Brennan’s remarks contradicted a statement by Rep. Henry Waxman, D-Ca. who claimed that State Department and NCTC officials had briefed congressional leaders telling them that, "the methodology and definitions used to vet the data were identical to last year's."

Meanwhile, elsewhere in Washington, Secretary Condoleezza Rice refused to allow the State Department to release their statistics, information which had always been included previously. Rice claimed, “she wanted to allow intelligence officials to decide about releasing unpleasant information.”.

To date, Director of National Intelligence John Negroponte had not decided whether to release the data. Negroponte said, through a spokesman, "All the Democrats are going to do is say that the statistics don't support the President's claim that we are winning the 'war on terror,' Sometimes numbers lie you know."

Spokesman Conrad Alertae of the State department said, “This is sensitive information. Many God Fearing families throughout America might become alarmed about a threefold increase in terror attacks. The State Department is not in the business of frightening good, values-oriented Christians. That’s the job of Jesus-hating Democrats.”

Waxman statement also asserted that more significant attacks took place in Iraq alone in 2004 than in all the world a year earlier.

“See! That’s exactly what I’m talking about!” responded spokesman Alertae. “Democrats just take these facts and try to scare people. Good, God loving families don’t need to be scared. People should just follow the color-coded terror-threat chart from Homeland Security.”