Bush Urges Private SSI Investment in “Gasoline Futures”

Bush patronizes Negro to amuse Virginia Whites

Fairfax, WPI - President Bush unveiled a new proposal in his campaign to restructure Social Security in a Fairfax County community gym filled with ringers yesterday. The concept, first developed by oil researchers from Tulane University, will permit individuals to invest their Social Security earnings in private gasoline-futures accounts.

Bush has said that the Social Security system must be fixed because it is headed for bankruptcy by 2041, then added, “that ain’t the worst of it. Fossil fuels are gonna be all used up in about 50 years. By 2041 ya’ll be payin’ $400 a gallon for gas.”

Energy experts have been predicting for decades that the world’s reserves of fossil fuels- oil, coal, natural gas,- with be exhausted by 2050. Leading researcher Kyle Bindiger of the Energy Institute said, “Reserves are measurable and finite. As the economies of third world countries, especially China grow, consumption will accelerate. If there is any oil left on the entire planet by 2050, I’ll be surprised.”

Bush’s new proposal will permit people to invest their Social Security earnings in private “Energy Accounts.” This will be a portfolio invested in various oil producing companies.

Bush explained, “See, as we run out of oil these big companies are gonna have to move into some other kinds of business. They’ll need lots of money to do that, your money.” In exchange, the President said, oil companies will withhold thousands of barrels of gasoline from the public to be distributed exclusively to their investors when they retire.

“This a win-win situation!” Bush gushed. “You invest your retirement savings now, and when you get old you’ll have gasoline when nobody else does.”

Skeptics have suggested that the plan is nothing more than a thinly disguised scheme to kite Social Security money and deliver it to his cronies in the oil industry. Warren Rieder of the American Center for Alternate Energy said, “What kind of a plan is that? How about a government program to face the dilemma? Develop other sources of energy- bio fuels, wind, hydroelectric. The world faces a disaster of biblical proportions and he suggests people give their money to oil companies? Man, I have heard it all!”

“Don’t listen to those ‘cynics’” Bush said. “Ya’ll gonna be rich!” he urged the throng.