TEXAS HOUSE BANS ''SUGGESTIVE' SPORTS CONTACT

Taut buttocks and girl-on-girl moves Texas Legislators

AUSTIN, Texas - The Texas House, in a hotly debated session, approved a bill on Tuesday that restricts "overtly sexually suggestive" sports contact.

The debate which raged for hours was alternately, coy, charming, tender, revealing, painful, hard, and moist. An unusual mix of lawmakers supported the legislation. Conservative legislators found themselves allied with a block of gay Representatives.

“My boyfriend and I have been totally embarrassed more than once when we attended Black Rock football games and watched my niece cheerleading,” said Angel Toporido, representative from Austin’s Tenderloin District. “MyGod,” he continued ”they look like such ho’s humping and gyrating their little muffins like that. It was like a drag show from the French Quater!”

Joining Toporidi in disgust was arch-Conservative Bernard Sticke from Redlands, “I am personally flushed when I see these young men, Texas’ finest and fittest boys, touching one another on the buttocks and jerking their crotches.” He continued, “When I was a boy I couldn’t play sports because of my size. How I longed to join! I dreamt day and night about banging into other boys, about getting crushed under a big pile of the older fellas. Now this nonsense with butt slapping and jock adjusting, it’s repugnant!” claimed the 84 year old. “It has to be stopped.”

Democratic Rep. Al Edwards, who filed the legislation argued that arousing performances are a distraction for students and stimulate teen pregnancy, dropping out and the spread of sexually transmitted diseases. He offered no evidence to support this claim. “I don’t need to!” he shouted at a reporter “This is Texas! We just KNOW what’s right, don’t you?”

The bill would give the state education commissioner authority to request that school districts suspend students who exhibit behaviors, on or off the field, which an appointed statewide Sexual Review Committee deemed “overtly stimulating.”

Sexual behaviors are not defined in the bill. "Any adult that's been involved with sex in their lives, and even some who haven’t, will know it when they see it," Edwards sneered.

Some questioned the legislator's priorities. "Have we done anything about stem cell research to help people who are dying and are sick advance their health? No," said Democratic Rep. Senfronia Thompson. "Have we done anything to advance the mentally ill, school finance or ethics? No. But they have time for this crap."

Supporters of the legislation, including Torporido and Sticke will serve on the Review Committee. “We will study tapes of reported dirty deeds and frequently bring the accused before us to show us what they did and how they did it. We’ll make a ruling once we are satisfied.”

“You get the cheerleaders Bernie, I call the boys!” injected Torporido.