MINNESOTA SCHOOL BOARD TO CHALLENGE EVOLUTION

Viking 'Tree of Life' resembles crucifix

Minneapolis, WPI - Taking their cue from the modern day Scopes Trial being renewed in Topeka, Kansas, the Minnesota School Board will hold hearings next week in an effort to introduce Viking religious thought into science classes which discuss evolution.

“Almost all of the people who live around here are descended from solid viking stock,” explained Helga Gudmutter, chairwoman of the Minnesota Board of Education. “Darwin’s teachings are becoming a dangerous dogma, in our humble opinion.”

Last November in a shock to voters, the Minnesota school board was taken over by advocates of “Viking Heritage,” a locally popular and expanding social and religious movement in this cold northern state.

Founded in the late 1960's by Helgard Balder Viking Heritage holds that the ancient Scandinavians were in fact the lost tribe of Israel and migrated to North America more than 5000 years ago.

“We have rich creation stories which are at least as valid as Darwin’s verison,” said Loki Thorson, spokesman for the group and leading advocate for the hearings.

“There are a great many things which cannot be explained by Natural Selection. Why should it have a monopoly on our children’s minds?” he asked.

Principle theorist for the Viking Heritage Foundation is Hod Friigrson, “Our explanations are simple and pure. They are integral to our people in the same way the Skreelings (Native Americans) have creation stories. We believe that the act of creation is, in fact, beyond human comprehension.”

“In the beginning there was nothing. Nothing but an abyss that extended through all space,” described Friigrson. “This was called Ginnungagap. At one end of the abyss was was Niflheim. It was cold, filled with ice, mist and darkness and from a huge spring flowed twelve large rivers. As the waters flowed into the abyss, ice blocks formed and filled one end.”

Friigrson continued,” On the opposite end of the abyss was Muspelheim. It was a place of fire, warmth and brightness and was guarded by a Flame-Giant named Surt whose sword sent great showers of sparks into the gap.”

“When the sparks met the ice a mist rose then froze creating a primordial cow. Along with it, Ymir, the first frost-giant was created. Sometime later he sweated two drops from his armpits and created a giant and giantess. Then he touched his feet together and two more giants were created. There also arose a large block of salty ice which was licked by the cow. From this licking a beautiful human-like creature was shaped, his name was Bori, the born one. He was the first god!” Said Friigrson catching a fast breath.

“Soon many more gods were created. Eventually they became bored and conflict arose between gods and giants. The struggle continued until the birth of Odin and his two brothers Vili and Ve. Their father was Borr, the son of Buri, and their mother Bestla, the offspring of a frost giant. Plotting to destroy the Frost Giants the brothers and their father killed Ymir. His blood surged into the abyss, drowning all but two of the frost giants who escaped the torrent in a boat. All remaining frost giants descended from these two.” rushed on Friigrson breathlessly.

Sitting down, he continued, “Odin and his brothers decided to build a better world. Raw materials were needed for this new world and so Ymir’s corpse was ground between two great millstones. The earth was made from his flesh, lakes and seas from his blood and mountains from his bones.

Friigrson, looking flushed, continued, “With the dead giant's skull, they fashioned the endless crown of sky supporting its corners with four dwarfs, which they made from the rotting entrails. Using Ymir's brains they produced the clouds and from the sparks of Muspell, they originated the sun, moon and stars to bathe the world in light. They placed the sun and moon in golden chariots with drivers named Day and Night to guide them in their daily journey across the sky.”

Professor Friigrson paused and wiped his brow, “They grew bored again and created the first humans. Odin took a branch from an ash tree and made a man named Askr. Then from an elm tree, he created a woman named Embla. They were put in Midgard and our human race grew. Because Odin cares for his human creations, future generations have been watched and protected by the gods. Of course then there is Loki...” the man slowed, looking around. “Did I explain about Midgard, yet? Listen, why don’t you come to one of our lectures, or enroll in high school next year.”

“Look, the point is,” interceded Thorson, “this is a wonderful explanation for how the world and people came into being. If these damn scientists can’t prove evolution, why should our children be denied alternate, equally plausible, explanations?”

Scientists, high school teachers, Christians, Moslems, Jews, agnostics, atheists and almost everyone else have vowed to stay away from the hearings.

“I am witness to the one and only truth, Jesus Christ is my savior,” said 16 year old Geoff Teddeons of Saint Paul, “Who would listen to crazy, made-up stories like those?”