MERCK RELEASES MEANINGLESS DRUGS

Nasty and ineffective

Washington WPI - Pharmaceutical giant, Merck Corporation, the today unveiled four new medicinal drugs but failed to identify the ailments they treat.

The drugs which affect a odd variety of nonlife-threatening symptoms have not been tested on humans and do not have FDA approvals.

Charles Ingestigina, product development manager for Merck made the announcement, “We believe these medicines will be very beneficial to a varied spectrum of discomforts the average person is likely to suffer sometime in their lives.”

One drug, Narcopropylene, helps prevent a persons foot from going to sleep. Another, Gastroapitel, helps a person to eat even if their stomach is full.

“There are minimal side effects so far,” reported Walter Coxise, chief pharmacologist overseeing the new products. “Narcopropylene makes people a little jittery, BP goes up a little. Gastroapitel may cause constipation or diarrhea, though the biggest risk is unrestrained obesity. Nothing very dangerous. That’s why we believe that they fall outside the FDA guidelines for human testing.”

George Goodrich, analyst with Kidder Peabody, who monitors the drug industry agreed. “Several years ago President Bush relaxed the review process for new drugs. Essentially, he allowed the FDA to get all its funding from industry in exchange for a streamlined approval process.”

Addressing the persistent questions regarding human testing and FDA approval Ingestigina said, “Look, most of these are simple derivatives of existing drugs or little twists on old stand-by’s like salicylic acid or ibuprofen. They’re nothing serious.”

The other drugs are Pistolumene, which purports to suppress the need to urinate in children and a “mildly psycho-active stress enhancer, Nicoplessibotinol.”

Goodrich pointed out that the drug industry has been pushing derivatives for years and that this is simply a new marketing approach, “Merck is simply going into the market place and saying to the public, ’Try this! It’s good for what ails ya!’”

Wendy Lappacanie, marketing director for new products, explained how the company intended to sell products which don’t treat any actual disease.

“Our, ’Ask your doctor for...blank,blank,blank,’ TV ads for prescription drugs has been a huge success. We have found that the right mix of images of healthy, happy, loving, active older people, mixed with lively but friendly music all capped with a logo for a mediciney sounding product works like candy.”

She elaborated, “Consumers don’t actually know what the medicine does but they ask their doctors for it anyway. They don’t want to miss out on something that’s good for them I suppose.”