PANIC DRILL A 'SUCCESS' IN DC

'Monsters on Maple Street' updated

Washington, WPI - An unannounced emergency evacuation of the Federal government went exactly as predicted yesterday as most of the government infrastructure dropped everything and ran like terrified schoolchildren when a tiny two-seater plane penetrated inviolable government air-space.

The aircraft, a single engine Cessna 150, weighing barely 1500 pounds and having a top speed of 125 mph, was selected for the drill.

“This was the least menacing, least harmful aircraft we could find,” said Ali Abu Hassan, Director of Homeland Instability, sponsors of the drill. Homeland Instability is a little known department of the Office of Homeland Security, the powerful monolithic federal agency created after 9/11.

Tom Ridge, former director of Homeland Security, said in a private briefing to the Board of Directors of the Cato Institute in 2004 announcing formation of H.I. that increased measures were necessary to keep the public jittery and fearful. “The color coded national alert system is inadequate. Karl’s research shows that voters have grown steadily more comfortable relaxing their perceptions of imminent, personal threat. That can only hurt us in the up coming elections.”

The drill, designated, “Al Quacker,” to honor the president was closely observed by terror organizations worldwide.

Jut Sung Lee of North Korea said, “It was surprising how easily all these people panicked. Of course they are nothing but low level bureaucrats, little better than dogs. Frankly, I am accustomed to more discipline.”

Amam Ali Hebee of the Taliban remarked, “We did not believe that paralyzing the national government would be this simple. It is a humbling message to us all.”

Palestinian Mockbar Sheriff commented, “This must be very humiliating. All these workers, fleeing their duties like frightened schoolgirls. A once proud and strong country is now shown to be made up of cowards and sniveling women.”

The panic and fleeing was so robust that three people were trampled, two seriously.

In the Capitol, panic spread so fast that women abandoned their expensive Gucci shoes. Men ran leaving behind costly alligator briefcases and sunglasses. At the Supreme Court, three justices were manhandled into an underground parking garage where they stood pointlessly looking at one another for 50 minutes.

“It was a nightmare and wasted an entire day,“ fumed Justice Sandra Day O’Conner. “The only good part was to see Scalia hauled out of the men's room with his trousers around his knees!”

And at the White House, Vice President Dick Cheney, Laura Bush and Nancy Reagan, who happened to be visiting, were all evacuated. Cheney was whisked to his private 1.5 billion dollar nuclear bomb-proof bunker in suburban Maryland. The present and former first ladies went down to the White House root cellar.

“This is the best place to be in a tornado,” Mrs Bush told the quizzical Mrs. Reagan.

Senator Lisa Murkowski, Republican of Alaska, was presiding over the chamber when alarms sounded. Ms. Murkowski kicked off her stilleto heels and ran from the rostrum, then hastily doubled back to scream, "The chair will recess, the chair stands in recess! Run for your lives!" At that the panicked Senators knocked over desks, computers and each other all scrambling in an attempt to escape.

An unruffled Senator Charles E. Schumer, Democrat of New York, was in a telephone booth when he heard the commotion. “I looked out and a Senate aide, a young man with tears streaming down his face, he said they'd sounded the air-raid alarm. The poor fellow had wet himself, so I guided him to the lavatory telling him not to worry.”

Capitol Police, clearly terrified themselves, were seen shouting and striking stragglers, "Run, run, this is for real you idiots!"

Meanwhile, the Commander-in-Chief was out for a liesurley bike ride with an old chum from high school at the Patuxent Wildlife Research Center in suburban Maryland, a half-hour's drive from the White House. The President’s Secret Service detail - following him on bicycles, buses, jeeps and several heavily armed SUV’s, decided not to bother telling him what was happening.

White House spokesman, Scott McClellan, said, “What was the point? The Vice President was safe. Bush was twenty something miles away. Besides, you don’t interrupt the President’s visit with an old high school buddy unless it’s important.”

Asked who was in command McClellan replied, “Oh, who ever is head of the Secret Service detail that day can make that call. They decide what the President is told. Anyway, Cheney was safe, like I said.”

New Secretary of Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff proclaimed the drill an overwhelming success. At a late afternoon press conference called to clarify the day’s events, Chertoff told the assembly of reporters, arms manufaturers and terror groups, “This has exceeded our best projections. First off, the network media graciously cooperated in disseminating all the fear and panic that the citizens of Washington DC rightly felt, and I’d like to thank them for their efforts. Secondly, we have, directly for policy makers and indirectly for the rest of the country, reenforced the need to be diligent and afraid at all times.” His commets were met with resounding applause.

He continued, “Exercises like this one are what keeps moms and dads across America in a state of tension and dread. In turn, they look to a strong federal government to give them protection. Finally, I would like to thank the third world representatives who observed today’s drill. We hope that in the future they will adopt highly visible and reportable, but less lethal, forms of attack.”

Concluding, Secretary Chertoff said, “Homeland security is not about suppressing the rights of foreign peoples who disagree with us. It is about managing those disagreements in a way that keeps the American public in a perpetual state of wary defensiveness. That is good for the economy and the supporters of a strong decence. Remember, instability keeps the world goin' ‘round!”