STONE PHILLIPS TO TELEVISE SUICIDE

Katie will finally give him a blow

NYC, WPI - Stone Phillips, anchor of NBC’s Dateline program, has announced his intention to commit suicide in a televised episode of the award winning faux journalistic program.

A graduate of Yale, Phillips has been a pseudo-journalist since 1978. The handsome, photogenic anchor joined NBC’s Dateline in 1984. The program, a “soft news” show has in recent years morphed into a desperate mix of celebrity drivel and tedious courtroom drama.

“I’m largely to blame,” Phillips told TIME magazine in 2004, “I have great authority over the show and that’s actually the best I could come up with.”

Friends have reported that Phillips has been depressed about his career. “I know he received some kind of treatment for depression last year,” said friend and colleague Debra Norval, “I was very busy at the time so I think I just figured, ‘it’ll pass.’”

According to sources close to NBC the suicide is slated for fall during the TV sweeps week.

In a special appearance on the Today Show to announce his demise Phillips, looking tired but relaxed, told co-host Matt Lauer, “I’m absolutely committed,” he stated. “I just can’t do this anymore,” gesturing around the TV studio. “I mean, did you see Dateline Tuesday night? It was about Jessica and Ashlee Simpson! Honest to God. An entire hour pondering whether or not Jessica is genuinely stupid or if it’s a put-on to become a celebrity. Can my career sink any lower?” he asked the sympathetically mugging Lauer.

“I got into the business because I believed in it, I thought it was important, a medium for change. Now look at it- intellectual, spiritual pornography.” Lauer nodded with a profound look of saddened understanding then set up the commercial break.

Planning to assist in the suicide is Katie Couric who last year thrilled American audiences by televising her colonoscopy. Other ‘organ donors’ as the stunt has come to be called include Al Roker who televised his stomach stapling and Star Jones’s televised D&C on ABC’s “The View.” Phillips is the first to propose an actual death however.

I intend to commit ‘Seppuku’ or as it is popularly know, hari kari. I will ritualisticly stab myself in the abdomen and try to cut a large rectangle out, severing all my bowels as I go. If I manage to still be alive after that Katie will cut off my head with a razor sharp samurai sword.”

“I know it sounds ugly and painful but it’s good TV. I’m hoping we’ll set an all time ratings record. That is what I’m shooting for anyway. I need to accomplish something in my life.”

Allan Kishmeyer, legal correspondent for World Press International, said that NBC may have to broadcast from Oregon, the only state that permits assisted suicide. “I’m sure their lawyers will have to check the statues very carefully to see if there are any federal violations. God knows we don’t want anything bad to happen to Katie!”