JEWS CRASH NASCAR

No Passover here!

NYC, WPI - It's no secret that corporations don’t look at NASCAR for the competition, racing action or fiery, fan-thrilling crashes. Corporations, the life-blood of the sport, see only numbers. Numbers good enough to make even the most hard-boiled executives salivate on command.

Companies like McDonalds, Budwieser, Home Depot, Proctor & Gamble know good marketing opportunities when they see them, and NASCAR is one of the best. With 75 million loyal fans, spin-off TV programs, a cable channel, three endless racing seasons- what product manager could resist?

Certainly not Morris Fiengold, Director of Marketing for the American Jewish Federation, headquartered in the posh upper west-side of New York’s Manhattan island.

Yesterday Fiengold announced the Sponcership of car #17, owned by Team Morrey, in the Nextel Cup Series.

“We love these people,” Fiengold gushed at the press conference to announce the sponsorship. “I love Wallly like a brother!” he said referring to team owner Walter Morrey of Nashville.

Asked what the AJF hoped to achieve, Fiengold replied,”We want to improve the ‘Jewish Brand,’ if you will, in America. Jews enjoy some very positive market perceptions but continue to suffer some negative ones as well. NASCAR will help us turn that around.”

Asked to elaborate he replied, “We just want Americans to know we’re like everybody else! We drink lots of beer, watch too much TV, have domestic abuse issues. But we are also hard working, God-fearing people. We have the very same Family Values as race car fans.”

When questioned if the Jews wanted to recruit converts, Fiengold got angry, “Absolutely not! This isn’t about recruiting. Jewishness is hereditary, you can’t just ‘sign-up’ to become one of the chosen people. Calming, he continued, “We just want all those NASCAR Dads to know we are alike. We love the sport, we support their values, we love their fanatical allegiance to sponsored products.”

“Look, these people control the media,” interjected car owner Morrey, “If they didn’t support the sport it wouldn’t even be ON TV.”

Asked for a comment, driver Sean Kinsekser of E. Cestte W.Va., said, “Everybody thinks the Jews are just all banking and dry-goods and Hollywood and controlling the world through the World Bank and stuff. But really, they jus’ regular Americans like you and me...’cept for their dicks, I guess.”

“That’s the point,” injected Fiengold, “We’re not all Paul Wolfowitzs and Edgar Bronfmans!. You may not know this but many Jews hunt and fish. We buy boats and pick-up trucks, off-roads things- really, we are just average Joe and Mary Beercan, like you!” He added, “In fact I own the company that publishes Field & Stream!”

The car, the only Oldsmobile in the Nextel Cup competition, will be modified to reflect the new sponsors. “It’ll have a tighter wheelbase, a sloping front end with a curved grill.

“Just a little face-lift!” added the smiling Fiengold.
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