FEMA FAILS TO ACT: NOT ENOUGH GUNS

Customers clean out Dallas Wal-Mart

Baton Rouge (WPI) - As thousands of southerners clogged gun shops, sporting goods stores and Wal-Marts demanding additional weapons and ammunition, new voices clamored for the resignation of FEMA director Michael Brown.

“This is a national disgrace!” shouted Butch Warner who had stood outside the Pistol Palace in suburban Austin for five hours only to have the store close before he got inside. “They didn’t have one damn handgun left!” he said in disgust.

Residents all across the Gulf States have rushed to “arm up” as their communities have been overrun by evacuees from hurricane Katrina.

“I know these people ain’t got nothin’, but they ain’t gettin’ mine!” exclaimed Willis Sheathed of Baton Rouge showing off the two new 12 gauge shotguns he just bought.

He was one of the lucky ones.

In Hattiesburg customers stood outside in a burning sun for hours trying to enter Shooter’s Paradise, some suffered the consequences.

“I seen a woman, probably about 50 year old, she just collapsed on the street from the heat. Right there, standin’ an waitin’. Some folks even left there place in line to help her. They drug her over to her pick-up and one feller went and got her husband outta Willie’s Tavern there.” Said local resident Whitey Dealerauxe. “It’s a damn shame an’ somebody orter do somin’ ‘bout it.”

There are similar stories of shortages and suffering throughout the disaster area.

Even hardened reporters have become infuriated at the sights. “This is unforgivable!” raged Houston Sentinel reporter Fester Soares. “I have seen things...I cain’t describe it.” Gesturing around the bustling Galleria mall, ”Ya’ll cain’t find a single 9mm shell between here an the Mississippi!” The visibly shaken reporter added, “Somebody must be held accountable!”

Gun makers have denied responsibility. Werner Von Auswitz, spokesman for Glock Manufacturing USA admitted they were unprepared. “We had no warning,” he claimed. “We rely on the government to tell us if there is an emergency coming.”

“It’s really the fault of local authorities,” said Lance Goodbloode spokesman for Smith & Wesson. “They are the front line in these matters. They are our eyes and ears on the ground.”

“This is a total failure on the part of the federal gument!” lashed Rex Castile, president of Beaudraux Parish, who called for the resignation of FEMA Director Brown. “He knew that hurricane would push thousands of poor nigras inna white neighborhoods. Those goddamn Washington yankees just don’t care ‘bout us folks!”