RELIEF FINALLY ARRIVES FOR DISASTER VICTIM

President Bush and Director Michael Brown review layout of golf course planned for FEMA campus in suburban Langley, Va., on August 31.

New Orleans (WPI) - After nearly two weeks of unexplained delays, bungled relief attempts, conflicting messages from the government and stalled efforts by local and state leaders, FEMA Director Michael Brown has finally received some long promised relief.

On Friday, Michael Chertoff, head of America’s biggest bureaucracy, Homeland Security, relieved Brown of his duties overseeing the Hurricane Katrina disaster.

“This is just too damn little, too damn late!” thundered Brown’s cousin Thomas Thurddie, of Bridgeport RI. “This individual has been suffering like you wouldn’t believe. What took them so long- that’s what I want to know!”

“How much is a person supposed to bear?” wondered Brown’s friend and college roommate Rich O’Blivesse. A horse breeder from Louisville. O”Blivesse was angry and frustrated. “This man has tolerated so much! One day he’s innocently working from his office at home and then, with hardly any warning, he’s just about drowned by this overwhelming storm of controversy. Where is the compassion?”

“It just been a nightmare for him,” said old chum Bentley Oanner, “for almost a week he’s been alone, abandoned wondering if anyone was ever going to come to rescue him. This is a real national tragedy!”

The sentiment was much the same throughout the emergency management community.

“‘Brownie’ was a disaster waiting to happen, right from the start,” stated FEMA administrator Stoney Whalls. “I think he would have gotten out if he could- he didn’t have the means to leave by himself. I think he really believed he could tread water until the storm passed.”

President Bush has been the target of harsh criticism for apparently ignoring the developing tragedy.

“I told the President that the levee had broken and Mr. Brown was in way over his head.” Said Senator Mary L. Landrieu, D-Louisiana, “He grinned at me and said,’Mary, I ain’t made a mistake yet, I ain’t making one now!’ and got on the helicopter.”

Breaking down in tears she added, “I was speechless- powerless- to stop him!”

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WASHINGTON (WPI) - Homeland Security Director Michael Chertoff has ordered that all FEMA executives watch the History Channel at least four hours per week.

“They had an excellent program on last night about category five hurricanes that had hit the US. Camille and a couple of others. It was very informative. I believe that every FEMA employee would benefit from watching and encourage them to do so. Education is the key to disaster prevention.” Mr. Chertoff said in his memo to FEMA workers.

He conclude it with a word of praise to a local educator. “I want to thank my son’s seventh grade science teacher, Thomas B. Swiftte, for having the class watch the program for homework. I may not have seen it otherwise.”