Bush Pledge: “We will not run”

ANNAPOLIS, (WPI) - President George W. Bush told a tepid sea of blue Naval Academy students today that the US would not leave Iraq as long as he was Commander-in Chief, "Pulling our troops out before they achieve their purpose is not a plan for victory.”

During the lavishly overproduced appearance, which seemed to mark the re-emergence of Karl Rove as splashy theatrical stage manager, Bush offered a new strategy, apparently designed to confront his falling popularity ratings, only 37 percent of Americans approve of his handling of Iraq. The President abandoned his standard reasons for the Iraqi invasion- weapons of mass destruction, Hussein’s alliance with al queda and Iraq’s development of long range missiles- offering instead simpler, more contemporary and visceral ideas: “I make you this pledge, America will not run in the face of car bombers and assassins.”

Tacitly acknowledging that everything he had once claimed as justification for a foreign invasion was no longer applicable, though stopping short of an admission, Bush sought to give the American people a new rationale for staying in the war: Americas must continue to fight to defend the Iraqi people from car bombs.

As the scenes of trampling during the Black Friday shopping rush demonstrated, the average American will stand by chuckling while fellow citizens get crushed underfoot, but surprisingly they care deeply about the safety of the swarthy, garbeled Moslems of Iraq.

Prior to 9/11, polls showed that 99.9% of Americans could not identify Iraq on a map of the world. However, in the flood of propaganda that followed the attack normal Americans were influenced to “love” the Iraqi people with their strange customs, lilting death keening and obviously bad personal hygiene. Marketing schools are still studying the phenomena in the hope of developing new, more efficient advertising methods.

Addressing increasing congressional criticism Bush said, "Some are calling for a deadline for withdrawal. The many advocating an artificial timetable for withdrawing are sincere.” Then, flashing his trademark snide grin, added, “ But I believe they're sincerely wrong!” and mugged for the baffled seaman. The assembled syncophants, including Secretary of Defence Donald Rumsfeld, laughed too uproariously.

Later, at a White House press briefing, spokesman Scott McEllen explained the President’s comments, "While the original intelligence supporting the invasion has proven to be faulty, and some congressional radicals claim the Vice President concocted them, our troops are in real danger. The President recognizes this. Though our original objectives have evaporated we must still fight on, if for no other reason then to defend our fighting men and woman!”

Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid responded to the President’s remarks saying, “Let’s take him at his word. If he said that the US will not leave Iraq, as long as he is ‘Commander-in-Chief,’ we can fix that. I’ll start the impeachment paperwork tomorrow morning!”