ROBERTS IN; MILLER OUT

Rove, Libby, Cheney and others wait in the bushes for Joe Wilson to come out of Senate hearings


Washington (WPI) - Once John Roberts was sworn in as the new Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, Vice President Dick Cheney gave the green light to his Chief of Staff, Lewis "Scooter" Libby, to give a waiver to New York Times reporter Judy Miller, releasing her from jail.

The reporter had been incarcerated for three months for refusing to tell prosecutors the name of her source on a story she contemplated writing about the AWOL WMDs in Iraq.

Miller, a principle mouthpiece for the administration’s fanciful argument to invade Iraq, met Libby just two days after former Ambassador Joe Wilson blasted the Bush administration asserting that the allegations of uranium sales in Africa were pure fiction. Wilson’s wife, Valerie Plame, was a CIA operative and it was Rove and Libby who gave that fact to reporters, including Miller, thereby destroying Plame’s career and endangering her contacts and colleagues.

Until a few months ago, the White House maintained that Libby and presidential aide Karl Rove were not involved in leaking the identity of Plame. While rumors lit up the internet, the quiescent media carried that version of events pending action on a broad spectrum of issues, including limits on media ownership, which are pending before the FCC.

White House spokesman, Scott McCellen responding to a question from the foreign press, said, “Vice President Cheney in consultation with Assistant Chief of Staff, Karl Rove, and other high ranking White House officials, have determined that this was the appropriate moment to release Ms. Miller from any perceived obligations of confidentiality. If there are to be prosecutions in the matter Attorney General Gonzales desires to move the process through the various courts as quickly as possible.”

Later, responding to another question, McCellen said, “Presidential pardons are always a complicated issue. The public is frequently confused by them. We prefer to see this matter resolved in the courts.”

"We also want to commend Judy Miller for her staunch defence of freedom of the press and asure her that the White House acted a swiftly as possible to relieve her discomfort from imprisonment. She's a good soldier and a tough cookie!" he added.

NRA LEADS RELIEF EFFORTS

Hundreds of suspicious people, some possibly looters

New Orleans (WPI) - While the whole country pulls together in an extraordinary effort to donate money, clothing and materials, one group has been quietly leading the way helping small businesses throughout New Orleans get back on their feet.

Beyond the devastation caused by the hurricane Katrina looters also destroyed many businesses, often walking off with entire inventories. Especially hard hit were pawn shops, sporting goods stores and small groceries that cashed checks and sold guns.

Typical of these shop owners is Abdullah Abasshadabe, a first generation Lebanese who has lived in New Orleans for 27 years. Abasshadabe, who’s extended family owns numerous neighborhood grocery stores throughout the poorer sections of the city, claims he lost everything in the aftermath of the storm.

“They took eveything! These people! I have been helping them for years. They have no banks so I cash their pay checks. I take their food stamp, I let them buy beer and cigarettes- I know I shouldn’t but they are my customers. Yes, I sell guns but not ammunition. I am legal for this.”

Abasshadabe’s store, Buddy’s Mini-Mart, has been serving the area for more almost forty years. Abasshadabe bought the business for back taxes in the late 1980's and he, his wife and children have run it ever since.

“I am no bad person. Why they do this to me? I no steal from these people, I charge only 18% to cash check. Some people charge 20, 25%. Why they steal from me?” The bewildered man asked.

There are similar stories all over the area.

Moshe Mendlebaum has operated the Midas Pawn Shop on Elford Street for nearly forty years was equally distressed.

“I have been serving this community all my life. I gave everything I have- my heart, my soul, my sweat, my tears, my very blood for this businesses, trying to help these people- and this is how I am repaid!”

Mendlebaum’s shop was one of the first to be looted. Thieves hooked a chain to the bars sealing the back door and ripped it off with a pick-up truck.

“My alarm went off at home on Monday morning just when the eye was passing over. But there was no way I was gonna come down here!” said the store owner who lives in the wealthy suburb of Saint John The Conquerue across Lake Ponchatrain.

“There was no food or water in the shop! All I had was stereo equipment, jewelry, power tools and guns. They cleaned me out, they took everything. The insurance company is going to bleed me dry, I just know it.

Under Louisiana law hand guns may be sold in any type of store.” No permit is required nor is there a waiting period. Perhaps fearing for personal safety, guns were the first item looters targeted.

“Man, there was people all over with guns. Bad dudes you know, gansta types. I hadda get a gun too. You know, for self-protection.” Said a man who admitted looting. He spoke on condition of anonymity.

“It was a natural niche for us,” declared Wayne LaPierre, Executive Vice President and CEO of the National Rifle Association, describing the plan to collect guns to replace those lost in the storm or by looting.

“We wanted to make our contribution, as an organization, to the flood victims and this clearly was the best way to do that. Collecting clothing or having a bake sale is really not our thing. ”

Under the program, each of six regional “Command and Control Centers” has transmitted a call for donations of hand guns to the local “Platoon” level groups.

“We have an excellent organizational structure,” said LaPierre. Guns are collected locally then transported by truck to the C&C. Once there the weapons are cleaned and tested by our Militia Units. So far the quality of the guns donated has been exceptional. Glock 9's, Smith & Wesson 38's and 357's. There is some excellent hardware.”

Store owners who lost their inventory of weapons can apply to the NRA for replacement guns.

“We are going to make this a very simple and seamless process,” LaPierre said, “All they need to do is send us a request on their letterhead and one of local “Ambassadors” will deliver a fresh inventory of guns directly to them.”

Mendlebaum, who had not yet heard about the project, was delighted at the news.

“Thank God!” He exclaimed. “At least someone out there cares about the little guy! I lost more then 100, I mean 200 guns, to those thieves. I’m very grateful to the NRA. I’m sure I will join their fine organization soon.”

MILITARY EXPLAINS PROLIFERATION OF “NUMBER 2 MAN"

Iraqi press corp examine trampled pastry

Bahgdad (WPI) - Despite a sleepy and frightened press corps, entirely reliant upon the military for food, shelter and safety, members of the media challenged the Army to explain why there appear to be so many “Number 2 Man" men in Iraq and Afghanistan.

During a regular press briefing, catered by Kellogg/Brown the Halliburton subsidiary which supplies all the food and dining services to nearly 150,000 military in the region, a reporter from Knight Rider ventured to ask the question that has been nagging reporters here for months.

“General,” asked a groggy Lance D. Integritti, addressing General John Abizaid, the commander of U.S. forces in Iraq and Afghanistan, “I don’t have an exact count but since the war started I think the US has killed about 12 or 13 “Number 2 Man" men. How is that possible?”

The normally docile press group, most just settling in for their first cup of Starbucks coffee, visibly stiffened when they heard the question. Fearing hostility from their hosts the room went eerily silent.

“Well,” the apparently confused General began, “ We have so many Number 2 Man men because we kill so many of them. So when you kill the first Number 2 Man, then another guy moves into the Number 2 slot. Then we kill him.”

Integritti, mysteriously failing to drop the subject despite the General’s obvious discomfort, pursued the matter. “But General, we haven’t killed all the Number 2 Man men, we’ve captured some. Aren’t they still Number 2 even if they are captivity.”

“No!” the stiffening commander replied gruffly. “Once they are in custody they loose their ranking!”

The reporter shot back, to the growing nervousness of the assembled press, “When I covered Organized Crime in New York we always kept the designation. Just because a guy is in jail doesn’t mean he loses his standing.”

“Well, we don’t do it like that mister!” fired back the General, clearly irritated.

Integritti, failing to notice the anxiety he was causing in his peers, or the slowly approaching Mps, continued on the General.

“Doesn’t the repetition of the claim give a false impression of the progress we’re making here?”

“Of course not, “ shouted Abizaid, “Whenever we capture another Number 2 Man it’s newsworthy!”

“Don’t you think the public is going to catch on after awhile? They know that almost 2000 GI’s have been killed over here and all we ever do is catch the Number 2 Man. They’re going to figure it out you know!”

At that, the red-faced General waved his arm and the MP’s cleared the room, sending reporters scrambling to grab a Danish or bearclaw on the way out. Many fell to the floor and were trampled.

Integritti was detained but later released.

“I want to apologize to my fellow reporters,” he said in a written statement issued upon his release. “I was a little cranky because I hadn’t had my morning coffee. I also apologize to General Abizaid for any discomfort I may have caused him. I meant no disrespect to him or the wonderful men and women defending our freedoms here in the middle east War on Terror.”

GIRL 11, EXPELLED FROM SCHOOL IN 'INTELLIGENT DESIGN' FLAP

Dowery in hapier times

Dover, Pa. (WPI) - When pretty Dowery Magellan went to school on Monday the furthest thing from her mind was the possibility of being expelled. But that’s exactly what happened to the personable 11 year old when she returned to Dover Hills Christian Academy in Dover Pa.

What Dowery really feared as she approached the school she had attended for seven years was having to face her peers. The girl was deeply humiliated and ashamed. On the previous Friday Dowery had left school in tears and outrage when her first menstrual period exploded like a bomb inside her brand new Old Navy white pants.

“I was just sitting in science class and we were reading the book, "Of Pandas and People," Mrs. Peterbuilt was explaining about Intelligent Design.” The petite girl explained to WPI. “My stomach hurt but I thought it was just from eating too fast at lunch. Then I felt wet between my legs. I looked down and my pants were soaked with blood. I guess I just started screaming.”

Dowery’s teacher rushed to help the girl, trying to calm her and wrapped a sweater around her waste. The girl calmed slightly.

“It seems her mother had never told Dowery about ‘the Visit,’ said the matronly 54 year old teacher. “When it arrived the poor girl thought she was dying.”

What happened next is in some dispute. Apparently in her effort to calm the hysterical girl Mrs. Peterbuilt tried to make the event an example of “God’s will” and referred to the process as part of “God’s glorious process of reproduction.”

“The teacher said that my bleeding all over the place and wrecking my pants was an example of “Intelligent Design.’ I guess I just started screaming at her. I don’t remember it all too well.”

“Dowery just went nuts,” said a student who wished to remain anonomyous for feear of reprisals. “She started screaming and swearing stuff like, ‘You call THIS intelligent?!’ Blood is pouring out from between my legs and you say I should 'rejoice in God’s plan?!’ Are you f—ing crazy?”

The tirade continued even as the school nurse arrived to take control.

“She started in on it too,” said Dowery. She went, ‘Oh, this is all God’s divine plan for human reproduction!’ stuff. I’m standing there in front of all the boys and my friends bleeding to death and they are going on and on about God. I didn’t feel too friendly toward God right that minute! I guess I lost it.”

According to School Principle Adolph Saltsimmons young Dowery launched into a tirade that was, “Abusive to Christian doctrine, blasphemous and profane. These were not words easily forgiven. I’m afraid Ms. Magellen has exerted an extremely bad influence on her peers and we cannot forgive that.”

Another Dover Academy teacher, also speaking anonymously for fear of reprisals, who came down the hall after hearing the screams said, “The poor child had lost her mind. She was saying things like,’If God does sh-t like this then to hell with him!’ and, ‘I wet myself and ruin my brand new pants so I can have a baby? You people are crazy. There’s nothing “intelligent” about any of this mess!’ It was most distressing.”

When Dowery went to school Monday she was met by Mr. Saltsimmons who escorted her to the office where she was informed that she was expelled. He parents were called and told to pick the girl up. They had no comment on their attorney’s recommendation.

“We simply will not have sound Christian dogma denigrated publicly, especially by a child. It is most dangerous that other students should be exposed to this extreme and derogatory viewpoint. Plus the cursing was very unladylike.”

“Well, they were my pants not his,” replied Dowery.

The matter will now likely move to County Court.

CORPUS CHRISTI EVACUATES

Monster Vaticane threatens lives

Texas (WPI) - As the huge Vaticane roared toward Texas, the largest Catholic seminary in America, Corpus Christi, prepared to evacuate it’s student body. The Vaticane, named Inquisition 2, was expected to make landfall early Monday. The threat spurred a traffic-snarled exodus toward more liberal ground and fears it could cripple the heart of the nation's priest producing industry.

Inquisition 2 appeared to be headed directly toward Corpus Christi but warnings were also issued for seminaries in Houston and fragile New Orleans, still recovering from a category 4 barrage of priestly predation.

“Why us, why now?” wondered seminarian Richard Elongue of Dallas, as he prepared to evacuate. “I doubt we have any more gay students then any other school. Why is the Vaticane striking here?”

Inquisition 2 is expected to inflict severe damage on the priestly community. Excommunications as high as 100% are expected. Even the damage from mere expulsion is expected to cause sudden and long term harm. Lives will be ruined, people’s home destroyed.

The magnitude of the storm has not been seen in modern times. The last religious attack of these dimensions was Inquisition I which began in the Middle Ages. Forecasters are predicting the worst.

“This seems to be the culmination of so-called Christian Conservatism and abject bigotry ever seen in modern times,” said Peter Saint Thomas, theologian at Georgetown University. “Despite the clarity and purity of Christ’s directive to ‘Love thy neighbor’ secular intolerance has merged with the Pope’s demand for more US funding to produce a war on homosexuals. As they say, the first casualty of religious war is virtue.”

Seminaries along all of inland America were on alert for the pending storm. “This could spell the end of the Church,” said Dusty Sandell a student at Corpus Christi. “Unless they plan on allowing women priests!”

ROVE v. WADE

New Director of Reconstruction collects data

Washington, (WPI) - Largely ignored by the mainstream media was a report out of the White house that President Bush had named his top political adviser, Karl Rove, to manage the reconstruction of the Gulf Coast. Previously Vice President Dick Cheney had been in charge.

A top White House aide, familiar with the events leading up to the change, speaking anonymously for fear of reprisal, said that the negotiations had been bitter at times.

“Cheney was very upset at first. He argued to the President that he had the best contacts in the business world. He could get reconstruction contracts into place quickly and efficiently. Dick said that most deals were already done and changing things now might screw some of them up.”

The aide went on, “Rove was quick to seize on the argument. ‘That’s why we have to move you away, Dick!’ Karl said. ‘You own Halliburton, everybody knows the White House’s connection to Flouron, Bechtold and the others. It’ll look like just another huge give-away. I don’t have your personal connections. Besides, people are afraid to mess with me- the press rags on you all the time.’”

Another White House staffer, also speaking anonymously for fear of reprisal, agreed.

“The turning point came when Karl promised that Dick could still cut all the construction deals. Karl made it clear that his own role was strictly PR and spin. He argued that what the president needed most was a way to recoup his image. It was obvious that Cheney was not the man. Dick finally agreed.”

Given the degree that this announcement was ignored in the media it is widely acknowledged that Rove was right saying, “people are afraid to mess with me.” Still, there are critics.

Former FEMA Director under President Clinton, James Lee Witt, has been especially harsh. “Rove? Rove? What does he know? This isn’t a ‘press crisis,’ this involves real human beings, real citizens in dire distress.” Witt said. “Has the guy ever even shown compassion for anybody in his entire life? He’s a hatchet-man and propagandist. What the hell is going to do besides push the blame onto others and manufacture a fantastic excuse for the President’s and FEMA’s failures?”

Barbra Boxer, D-Ca., said, “Karl Rove was born an illegitimate child in Utah. He didn’t know he was a bastard until he was nineteen and has been trying to improve on the title ever since. The man didn’t graduate from college and has claimed that George W. Bush was ‘the most charismatic man I ever met.’ What kind of decision-making can you expect from a guy like that?”

Liberal Democrat Ted Kennedy, D-Ma., said that the only reason Rove has been appointed is for damage control.

“What is this man’s management experience? “ Kennedy asked. “He ran a political direct-mail printing company in Texas, that’s it. Is he qualified to oversee a two hundred billion dollar reconstruction project? Karl Rove only does one thing well- he plans and directs large-scale programs of deceit, like the ‘Swift Boat Veterans.’ By the time he’s finished, Americans will believe George Bush spent all of hurricane Katrina with his finger in the dyke instead of vacationing in Texas and fund raising in California!”

Scott McCellen, White House spokesman said, “The President believes this is the right man for the job.” Mr Rove was not available for comment.

CONSERVATIVES CALL FOR BIGGER GOVERNMENT

The Silver Lining

Washington (WPI) - Responding to the dramatic need for aid to the suffering millions from hurricane Katrina members of the country's largest Conservative organizations have reversed years of rhetoric and are now calling for an histrionic increase in the Federal government.

Tom Delay, Senate Majority Leader, began the call from his home state of Louisiana. “This is a disaster of biblical proportions,” he told a crowd of construction company representative gathered to learn the bidding process for state contracts. “It will require an epic relief program to repair the damage.”

Quoting President Bush Delay told the excited crowd, “The President hears you! He knows your suffering! He has declared, and I quote, ‘It's going to cost whatever it costs!’”

Cheers and applause went up from the group. Delay was speaking from the porch of an antebellum mansion, part of a former cotton plantation, owned by the head of the Louisiana Department of Agriculture, Peter Lagree.

Estimates of the cost to repair the Gulf Coast damage run as high as 500 billion dollars. On Friday President Bush’s advisers warned that Hurricane Katrina relief and reconstruction costs will swell the national debt by $200 billion or beyond.

However, Bush ruled out raising any taxes to pay for even a little bit of Gulf Coast reconstruction. Describing a spending policy authored by the Heritage Foundation under the direction of Karl Rove, his Chief of Staff, Bush said the staggering cost of relief will have to be taken out of other government programs. "We're going to be wise about the money we spend."

Bush did not put a price tag on the costs or say what government programs will be cut.

Democrats have been skeptical of the President’s plan.

“This is no plan at all unless the goal is to exploit this disaster to finally and completely fulfill Grover Noquist’s sick dream of ‘drowning the federal government in a bathtub’” said Nancy Pelosi of California.

Pelosi was referring to the lobbyist and head of the conservative lobby group Americans for Tax Reform, a political partner of the Heritage Foundation among other extreme right-wing organizations. Norquist’s famous quip, "I don't want to abolish government. I simply want to reduce it to the size where I can drag it into the bathroom and drown it in the bathtub!" Has become the motto of the Neoconservatives who are determined to convert the Federal government to a simple tax feeding machine for the super-rich.

The pledge of "no new taxes" that many Republican legislators have signed was his project.

Senator Joseph Lieberman of Connecticut said, “Hurricane Katrina is seen as a divine act of God confirming the righteousness of the Neocon philosophy.”

Speaking alongside Senator Pelosi on the steps of the Capitol he explained his shocking comment.

“First, by stubbornly stripping talent and resources out of FEMA a calamitous failure of government response resulted. This is proof, Conservatives argue, that government doesn’t work. Next, as all America demands funding to rebuild the Gulf Coast, the Neocons see an unparalleled opportunity to feast. They will feed billions of tax dollars to the owners of companies like Bechtold and Halliburton who are, after all, the real Neocons. The billions of dollars dolled out in corporate welfare will further impoverish federal agencies and programs resulting in drastic cuts in services. Finally, after gutting them, the Halliburton-Neocons will call for ‘privatization’ of agencies like FEMA, pointing to how poorly they performed.

Concluding, Liberman explained, "The goal is to create a new government structure designed to efficiently funnel money directly from tax-payers to shareholders with no sticky government oversight involved. Nice plan isn’t it?”

“Aww, pshaw!” Exclaimed Mr. Delay when informed of Senator Libermann’s comments. “Those Democrats always gotta find the dark cloud in the silver lining. This is a great day for America!”

ROBERTS SHOCKS DEMOCRATS

Breathtaking!


Washington (WPI) - Entering his third day of hearings to become Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, President Bush’s nominee John Roberts shocked Democrats with his startlingly handsome appearance.

“You know, he is very good looking,” enthused panel member Senator Joe Biden. “A few times I just stopped listening and found myself staring.”

Senator Ted Kennedy agreed, “He is so handsome! Even when I feel like he’s being a little evasive I just can’t get mad at him. He’s too good looking.”

Senator Orin Hatch of Utah was quick to point out what he called “the Democrats slow recognition of the obvious.” He said, “President Bush was well aware of Judge Roberts appearance when he nominated him. He is a very handsome man, just the kind we need to lead our Supreme court in these very difficult times.”

While reporters have contested that the nominee has blankly refused to describe his personal legal beliefs, shedding doubt on his position on key issues like abortion, right-to-die, school prayer, eminent domain, the death penalty and voter rights among others, they too agree that Roberts is very good looking.

“He’s a judge a girl could swoon over!” gushed Cokie Roberts (no relation) of NPR. “I’m not sure where he stands on issues important to America but he is a ‘looker,’ that’s for sure.”

Legal scholars surprisingly are divided over Roberts qualifications.

“We’re talking about a man who might head the court for the next forty years!” exclaimed professor of law, Abe Baker-Charles of Georgetown School of Law. “It’s easy to get lost in that smile, but just once I’d like to hear a straight answer.”

Joked friend Lief Notturne Law Professor from Antioch School of Law, “Roberts is polished, buff, slick, mature, witty and wiley. Abe needs to clean those coke-bottle glasses he wears!”

It is predicted that Roberts will easily win the appointment when the senate votes next week.

“This man looks exactly like a Chief Justice should.” summarized Hatch. “He is a fine Republican. He is educated and savvy. Judge Roberts is far too slick and well coached to get trapped into answering those tedious questions from the Democrats. He’s what America needs.”

Biden added, “It’s interesting. He actually reminds me of Bill Clinton a little bit. Just more handsome.”

RELIEF FINALLY ARRIVES FOR DISASTER VICTIM

President Bush and Director Michael Brown review layout of golf course planned for FEMA campus in suburban Langley, Va., on August 31.

New Orleans (WPI) - After nearly two weeks of unexplained delays, bungled relief attempts, conflicting messages from the government and stalled efforts by local and state leaders, FEMA Director Michael Brown has finally received some long promised relief.

On Friday, Michael Chertoff, head of America’s biggest bureaucracy, Homeland Security, relieved Brown of his duties overseeing the Hurricane Katrina disaster.

“This is just too damn little, too damn late!” thundered Brown’s cousin Thomas Thurddie, of Bridgeport RI. “This individual has been suffering like you wouldn’t believe. What took them so long- that’s what I want to know!”

“How much is a person supposed to bear?” wondered Brown’s friend and college roommate Rich O’Blivesse. A horse breeder from Louisville. O”Blivesse was angry and frustrated. “This man has tolerated so much! One day he’s innocently working from his office at home and then, with hardly any warning, he’s just about drowned by this overwhelming storm of controversy. Where is the compassion?”

“It just been a nightmare for him,” said old chum Bentley Oanner, “for almost a week he’s been alone, abandoned wondering if anyone was ever going to come to rescue him. This is a real national tragedy!”

The sentiment was much the same throughout the emergency management community.

“‘Brownie’ was a disaster waiting to happen, right from the start,” stated FEMA administrator Stoney Whalls. “I think he would have gotten out if he could- he didn’t have the means to leave by himself. I think he really believed he could tread water until the storm passed.”

President Bush has been the target of harsh criticism for apparently ignoring the developing tragedy.

“I told the President that the levee had broken and Mr. Brown was in way over his head.” Said Senator Mary L. Landrieu, D-Louisiana, “He grinned at me and said,’Mary, I ain’t made a mistake yet, I ain’t making one now!’ and got on the helicopter.”

Breaking down in tears she added, “I was speechless- powerless- to stop him!”

* * * * *

RELATED STORY...

WASHINGTON (WPI) - Homeland Security Director Michael Chertoff has ordered that all FEMA executives watch the History Channel at least four hours per week.

“They had an excellent program on last night about category five hurricanes that had hit the US. Camille and a couple of others. It was very informative. I believe that every FEMA employee would benefit from watching and encourage them to do so. Education is the key to disaster prevention.” Mr. Chertoff said in his memo to FEMA workers.

He conclude it with a word of praise to a local educator. “I want to thank my son’s seventh grade science teacher, Thomas B. Swiftte, for having the class watch the program for homework. I may not have seen it otherwise.”

FEMA FAILS TO ACT: NOT ENOUGH GUNS

Customers clean out Dallas Wal-Mart

Baton Rouge (WPI) - As thousands of southerners clogged gun shops, sporting goods stores and Wal-Marts demanding additional weapons and ammunition, new voices clamored for the resignation of FEMA director Michael Brown.

“This is a national disgrace!” shouted Butch Warner who had stood outside the Pistol Palace in suburban Austin for five hours only to have the store close before he got inside. “They didn’t have one damn handgun left!” he said in disgust.

Residents all across the Gulf States have rushed to “arm up” as their communities have been overrun by evacuees from hurricane Katrina.

“I know these people ain’t got nothin’, but they ain’t gettin’ mine!” exclaimed Willis Sheathed of Baton Rouge showing off the two new 12 gauge shotguns he just bought.

He was one of the lucky ones.

In Hattiesburg customers stood outside in a burning sun for hours trying to enter Shooter’s Paradise, some suffered the consequences.

“I seen a woman, probably about 50 year old, she just collapsed on the street from the heat. Right there, standin’ an waitin’. Some folks even left there place in line to help her. They drug her over to her pick-up and one feller went and got her husband outta Willie’s Tavern there.” Said local resident Whitey Dealerauxe. “It’s a damn shame an’ somebody orter do somin’ ‘bout it.”

There are similar stories of shortages and suffering throughout the disaster area.

Even hardened reporters have become infuriated at the sights. “This is unforgivable!” raged Houston Sentinel reporter Fester Soares. “I have seen things...I cain’t describe it.” Gesturing around the bustling Galleria mall, ”Ya’ll cain’t find a single 9mm shell between here an the Mississippi!” The visibly shaken reporter added, “Somebody must be held accountable!”

Gun makers have denied responsibility. Werner Von Auswitz, spokesman for Glock Manufacturing USA admitted they were unprepared. “We had no warning,” he claimed. “We rely on the government to tell us if there is an emergency coming.”

“It’s really the fault of local authorities,” said Lance Goodbloode spokesman for Smith & Wesson. “They are the front line in these matters. They are our eyes and ears on the ground.”

“This is a total failure on the part of the federal gument!” lashed Rex Castile, president of Beaudraux Parish, who called for the resignation of FEMA Director Brown. “He knew that hurricane would push thousands of poor nigras inna white neighborhoods. Those goddamn Washington yankees just don’t care ‘bout us folks!”

BUSH ENCOURAGES FEMA, EVACUEES

Brownie and Blackies- you're doing a heck of a job!

Washington (WPI) - President Bush today encouraged residents of from New Orleans to cooperate with authorities and evacuate the city. Speaking with GMA’S Mellody Hobson the President said that the rescue effort was progressing well and urged anyone remaining to leave.

“New Orleans is a cesspool right now. Mr. Bush added,laughing, "In the old days, when I used to 'induldge,' we used to call the Red light District 'The Cesspool' but now the whole city really is one!”

The President spoke with concern for the plight of the evacuees, “I know people are scared. I know they don’t want to leave their homes or property, but look ya’ll don’t have much and I promise that this government will do everything it can to get you new stuff.”

Then Mr. Bush announced, “Vice President Cheney is meeting today with Kellog Brown & Root, a company whose business is providing disaster relief services, and people from Wal-Mart. They are going to sit down and negociate how to divide up federal funds to replace the stuff these refugees lost in this terrible flood.”

Mr Bush appeared to embarrassed Hobson slightly when he reffered to a different television network. “This relief effort is finally coming together the way it should!” he said. “Just look at the Fox News, there’s lots of really great rescue footage. It's workin'”

The President closed his interview with a word of encouragement for both FEMA boss Michael Brown and the citizens of New Orleans. “I said it before, and I’m not afraid to say it again- Brownie, you’re doing a heck of a job. You Blackies, you’re doing a heck of a job too. God bless you all!”

RUMSFELD REASSURES VICTIMS

Attaboy!

New Orleans (WPI) - Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld yesterday visited military rescue workers at a makeshift triage unit at the New Orleans International Airport as evacuations of Hurricane Katrina continued. Rumsfeld, accompanied by General Richard Myers Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, patted newly arrived soldiers on the arm and wished them well.

“Buck up, fellows!” Rumsfeld ordered the troops. “There is a lot of work to be done yet, they tell me.” The rescuers are being deployed for the gruesome task of collecting the dead. Teams will scour flooded streets and homes looking for survivors and recovering corpses.

The Secretary had been scheduled to visit the devastation in downtown New Orleans but the local National Guard commanders said they could not guarantee his safety with from thousands of angry citizens, starving and abandoned in the city. The number of National Guard on the ground here is estimated to be anywhere between 1,200 and 16,000, but even commanders are uncertain.

Col. Dirk Scabbard, from the Louisiana National Guard told Rumsfeld that rescue efforts were being impeded by an influx of new “refugees” who were wandering into the city believing it to be the best place to be saved.

Mr. Rumsfeld pleaded with the public, “Please, stay in your homes, we will be there to rescue you as soon as we can. Don’t come to New Orleans, our workers are already overloaded and you’ll just make matters worse. Watch your local stations or Fox News for more information. Hang in there folks, the calvary is on the way!”

After posing for pictures Rumsfeld, told the press he was returning to Washington for a scheduled meeting with top military advisers to formulate a new offensive in Iraq. “We have other disasters to deal with too you know.” he said flashing his famous deaths-head grin.

FIRST LADY EXPLAINS WHITE HOUSE DELAY

'I'm a little addicted!'

Washington, (WPI) - In an effort to counter blistering criticism that the President and his administration failed to understand and react to the hurricane Katrina disaster, the First Lady went on the offensive yesterday. Giving an exclusive interview on WE, the Women’s Entertainment Network, Laura Bush sought to explain why the President was ignorant of the dimensions of the tragedy, especially the plight of 25,000 people stranded at the Louisiana Superdome without food or water.

“Well, it’s my fault really” said the demure and lightly blushing Mrs. Bush. “I’m afraid I was watching my shows on the TV and George didn’t get to see the news.”

While the White House has both a Direct TV satellite system, donated by Rupert Murdoch, and a cable television system, donated by Time-Warner/AOL, there are actually only three tvs.

“In the first years we were in the White house we had dozens of tv sets. They were all over!” the First Lady noted. “But I couldn’t stand the noise! George and Dick (Vice President Dick Chenny) would have sports programs blaring all day long. I couldn’t hear myself think!”

Mrs. Bush, dressed in a lovely but reserved tiny-sequined pink jacket and skirt with a darling silk blouse from Veracci recalled “As soon as they went away for the first time, Europe I think, I had the Secret Service take out all the TV’s!” She giggled softly at the memory.

“I only kept the one in the bedroom, a little black and white in the kitchen and the one in George’s bathroom- but I think that one is permanently set on ESPN!” she laughed.

“George has told people that he doesn’t read the papers but actually that includes watching news on television too.” Mrs Bush revealed. “Oh, we’ll tune in to FOX news if somebody calls us and says there’s something important happening, but that’s about it.”

Leaning in to confide with guest host Mary Hart the First Lady revealed, “Usually, if the TV is on it’s because I’m watching QVC!” Laughing outright she said, “I’m afraid I’m a little addicted!”

QVC, created by former Paramount Pictures executive Barry Diller, is a 24 hour home sales channel. It markets mainly women’s clothing but peddles other products as varied as computers, vacuum cleaners and household cleaning solutions.

“I just love it! I can’t tell you how much I spend on it- George would just kill me!” Mrs Bush laughed and blushingly confided to the small, clearly delighted, live audience.

“I guess I was going through a little ‘cold-turkey’ because of all the vacation travel, so I had QVC on pretty much non-stop since we got back home. George didn’t have a chance to see any news I’m afraid.” confessed the repentant First Lady.

“I know that the President and FEMA and all the soldiers are now all working very hard to help all those people. I just wanted to apologize to them for any delay I might have caused.” Mrs. Bush said, looking directly into the camera.

The rest of the half-hour program was given over to conversation about the many celebrities Mrs. Bush has met in person.

The First Lady promised viewers that she would tour the disaster area, “as soon as it drys out.”

ROVE TO PRESS CORP: FOCUS ON CRIME

Find some criminals!


Washington, (WPI) - At what associates call a “Cabinet-Level” meeting yesterday Karl Rove, President Bush’s chief political advisor, summoned key members of the media to find a response to the devastation of Hurricane Katrina.

Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity, Bill O’Reilly, Michael Savage, Tucker Carlson, Ann Coulter, Katherine Harris, Robert Novak , Rupert Murdoch, Sun Young Moon and others hurried to the White House to formulate a unified response to the tragedy.

“It is vital that we do everything we can to help,“ Bradley Tanke, an aide to Limbaugh said. “This tragedy has devastated the President’s reputation. We have to get recovery operations under way as soon as possible.”

The gathering is highly unusual and suggests the severity of the situation. The last time they met was just before the 2002 election to coordinate the “Swift Boat Veterans for Truth” project.

“It is extremely rare that these highly paid experts are mustered in person,” said Les Rellevante, Professor of Media Studies at New York University. “It suggests that the devastation is much more widespread than anyone could have predicted!” he said.

“First, they have to find a dramatic distraction, “ explained famous playwright David Mamet, an occasional adviser to President Clinton. “They need a person or event to identify as the cause for Bush’s failure to act. It should be resonate with traditional American prejudices, there needs to be ‘witnesses’ and the best thing is video tape. They will replay it at every opportunity accompanied by ever improving ‘details.’”

An assistant to Mr. O”Reilly, a young blonde woman who asked to remain anonymous said, “They talked a lot about looting on the flight down here. They don’t have any footage or witnesses to actual shootings or rapes but they’re pretty sure they can find some. I think they want to focus on crime. You know, scary young Black guys with guns.”

Tia Coffee, Professor of Television Studies at Syracuse University’s Newhouse School concurred. “In the media it’s known as, BIGWIG, for ‘Black Guys With Guns.’ It’s the building block of Neocon propaganda- that and faux-Christianity. We teach it as “Black Devils & White Angels.” It’s very standard stuff in the US. Of course, it doesn’t fly in any other part of the world, but it’s white America’s model national fear. Even after 9/11 it still tests bigger than Arabs and terrorist looking guys!”

Mr. Rellevante said, “In the next few days Mr. Bush’s supporters will likely start to carp incessantly on the alleged crime and looting.
They’ll try to shift focus off the suffering of thousands of innocent families and claim that ‘widespread violence’ kept rescuers away. It’s thin but when you have a machine like theirs anything is possible.”

Added Ms. Coffee, “Throw in a few evangelicals like Robertson (Pat Robertson) to label the hurricane as a punitive ‘Act of God’ and the package is complete. In a week the public will blame the whole catastrophe on the victims.”

MEDIA STOCKS SKYROCKET ON DISASTER

That's Entertainment!

New York (WPI) - Share prices of the major media companies shot up yesterday as the full dimension of the hurricane disaster began to unfold.

Catastrophe is gold for TV, movies, magazines and books.” said Rich Koldart a media analyst for Smith Barney in Manhattan. “Ruin and destruction are the stuff of entertainment. TV ratings for Good Morning America, The Today Show and Sixty Minutes II have already gone through the roof. Ratings translate into advertising and that translates into profits.”

Untter Derrok, professor of Media studies at New York University agreed. “Whenever you have a vast arena of human suffering, especially if it involves Americans and white ones at that, you have a great potential for heart rending stories to be played out women’s magazines and endless made for tv movies.”

“When something like this happens we hire a cross section of personal injury lawyers, local talent agents, and high school drama coaches to spread out and sign victims to ‘first person’ contracts,” said publisher Seth Onlilyes of Harper Books. “They search local media for tragedies or heroic tales, locate the folks involved and for fifty dollars we sign them to a first-refusal deal. For every 100 we sign, we end up with maybe one big seller.”

“Some would say this is crude and cruel but suffering, for the media, is a commodity, “ said television producer Eve Ovdestruchen. “Audiences live for tragedy and the giddy relief of contrived salvation. It’s what sells the beer and soap.”

Shares of Time-Warner ended up the day up 12 points at 31.29; Shares of Viacom closed at 44.23 an increase of 11 points; and Sony Pictures was up to 45.22 with a pick up of 12.5.