VATICAN & VIAGRA: WE WARNED YOU!

Cardinals Peck and Eloungo with reporters

Rome, WPI - Vatican spokesman Cardinal Pietro Eloungo announced today that the blindness associated with the use of Viagra was long predicted by Catholic teachings. Speaking to a largely Italian press corp assembled on the steps of Slt Peter’s Cathedral, the Cardinal, Directorate of the Holy Temple Society, a division of the Office of the Inquisition, formerly headed by Cardinal Ratzinger, the current Pope Benedict XVI, read a brief statement and answered questions.

US health officials are studying rare reports of blindness among some men using the impotence drugs Viagra and Cialis, The drug's label warns of erections lasting longer than four hours, painful erections lasting longer than six hours, headache, flushed skin and vision problems, but there is no mention of blindness as a side effect.

“This recent revelation proves to the world what we have been teaching generations of Catholic schoolboys: impure touching of one’s body can be very hazardous. Priests have been warning boys that blindness is often the result of lustful thoughts and self-abuse. We believe the news of the effects of this vile and craven drug proves that we have been right all along,” the statement read.

“Our prayers are with the families of these pitiful victims of illicit desire and we fervently hope that this disaster serves as a powerful warning to schoolchildren all around the world. Your body is a Temple of the Holy Spirit, when you abuse it with lustful thoughts and deeds you run the risk of terrible retribution by our offended Lord. Remeber, he hears all your thoughts and sees all your actions- even in the dark” he concluded.

Pfizer spokesman Richard Stiffie said the drugmaker was talking with the FDA about adding a disclosure to Viagra's label to say that in rare cases, men taking Viagra had developed blindness. However, he said there is no proof that Viagra caused the blindness.

“You see,” added Cardinal Woodrow Peck Archbishop of Phoenix assistant to Cardinal Eloungo, “this is less about Viagra then about self-abuse. We know, from the overwhelming insights afforded the Vatican through the global accumulation of data collected in confessionals, that many men misuse these drugs for private sessions of self-abuse, not for the healthy exercise of a man’s dominion over his wife as they were designed.”he continued nonstop.

“We have no doubt that the unfortunate victims in these cases were all self-abusers. This is a warning. Catholics worldwide should pray that young boys will heed the lessons of this terrible tragedy and keep their hands off their penises unless they are washing, urinating or following instructions from their parish priest.”

Viagra also is at the center of controversy over Medicaid's payment for prescriptions of the drug to convicted sex offenders in New York and other states.

Reprting from Rome, James Martin

“RUMSFELD BEMOANS GLOBAL INTERCOURSE

Secretary of Defense in proposed 'satellite-proof' military uniform


Philadelphia, WPI - Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld declared yesterday that international reporting and interpersonal communications is now a military issue. Speaking before the World Affairs Council of Philadelphia Rumsfeld said that dealing with the world press is the military’s new, “enemy combatant.”

Noting the speed of technologies which disseminate information on events often as soon as they occur Rumsfeld asserted that the United States needs to respond to anti-American messages with greater speed and agility if it is to triumph over the dark forces of Islamic extremists.

"This is really the first war in history that is being conducted in an era of multiple global satellite television networks, 24-hour news outlets with live coverage of terrorist attacks, disasters and combat operations," Rumsfeld operatically. “The bad press is really killing us,” he concluded absolutely.

“While we can, and do, reach right into communities and destroy foreign newspapers, radio and TV stations, the US does not have an inexpensive cruise missile-type weapon in its arsenal to shoot down offending broadcast satellites.” he added expansively.

“We have mastered the media in this country. They are compliant and nondiscriminating when we want them to be, reporting what we hand them, and they can be made subservient and apologetic if we demand it.” he said creatively.

“In addition, we control several sympathetic networks which are as adept at character assassination as the Navy SEALS are at the real thing.” he said with authority. “It helps too that the Federal government controls billions of dollars worth of band-width and can level millions in censorship fines!” he added commandingly.

“The hardest military challenge is damn cell phones. We used to be able to tap any line, any where, and trace the offender and shoot him where he stood, but no more!” the Secretary vented. “And we can’t very well destroy a Verizon satellite now can we?” joked Rumsfeld ethereally.

The Secretary noted that news of torture combined with cultural and religious atrocities inflicted upon “detainees” raced around the world inflaming the passions of Moslems and inciting fatal riots.

“Twenty five years ago we could have quashed that story like a cockroach,” stomped the bugeyed Rumsfeld. “We would have raided the newspapers offices, arrested the editors, unleashed the IRS or Marines and sent a clear, chilling message to the foreign press.” the agitated Secretary sprayed.

Today, the military must cope with "a global Internet with universal access and no inhibitions, e-mail, cell phones, digital cameras wielded by anyone and everyone" he explained arbitrarily.

“If the American military could enjoin these devices, make the internet transparent, have open access to cell phone conversations and the capacity to seize anybody’s digital camera- then, we would be on the path to safety!” he said arrestingly.

Rumsfeld’s harshest words were saved for Americans themselves. “Worse yet is a seemingly casual disregard for the protection of classified information, resulting in a near continuous hemorrhage of classified documents, to the detriment of the country." he erupted. “It is a terrible example we set for the world when we cannot deter our own population’s irrational impulse for freedom from governmental control,” he discouragingly.

Arms Industry Salutes N. Korean Dictator

Kim and the Jongettes

St. Louis, WPI - An association of the west’s most important arms contractors yesterday recognized North Korea’s dictator Kim Jong II with their “Lifetime Achievement Award,” the highest honor the industry can bestow.

Comprised of large and small defense contractors and powerful lobbying groups the companies meet annually for strategic planning sessions. Corporations as diverse as Raytheon, Boeing, Lockheed Martin, Smith & Wesson, Ford Motor and Halliburton gather to, “ design new, more gruesome scenarios of menace to the free world,” as their invitation states.

This year’s organizer, Raytheon’s President Andrew Bloode added, “The demands of the defense industry are limitless but the pie is finite. Fortunately we have an extremely compliant administration willing to go to any lengths to finance the immeasurable costs of freedom.”

Added, William DiCaye spokesman for Lockheed Martin, “Not only do we have to defend freedom on our shores but now America must defend it anyplace we choose to export it, like Iraq and Afghanistan. Awesome!”

The award, given periodically, is known as a MICA. It is presented only, “to those persons, companies and corporations which make tangible contributions to the perceived safety of America and it’s citizens.” Previous winners have included Osama Bin Laden, Fidel Castro, Abdul Qadeer Khan, Fox News Network and Ronald Regan.

In making the announcement Bloode said, “The prolonged media coverage of Mr. Jong’s nuclear and missile ambitions which dramatically outstrip his nation’s capacities, and North Korea’s recent launching of rocket 65 miles into the sea have been highly significant events effecting the defense industries of the western powers. Recognized and promoted by ourselves, the sympathetic media and the Republican Congress and Administration these events have greatly enhanced our ability to lobby for, and acquire, billions of dollars for research and development of brand new weapons.”

Admitting privately that the North Korean weapon’s program was, “about as scary as the Navaho Indian program,” and that “the ‘new’ missile has a range of maybe750 miles- only 18,000 more to go!” members of the nominating committee were unanimous in their support for Mr. Jong.

“Just look at this guy,” enthused Sam Rekmore, lobbyist for Halliburton. “He’s perfect. He looks nuts, he’s a shrimp, funny haircut, glasses and he acts totally off the wall. Central casting couldn’t have come up with a better nut-job.”

Dee Kompoce, VP of Weapons Development at Microsoft, concurred adding, “We were prospering with the invasion of Afghanistan and Iraq but the focus groups were showing that long-term defense programs were not falling into place. The industry’s dream for the next quarter century is the ‘Star Wars” space based missile shield. We will never be funded for such a ‘research-intensive’ project without some very scary, photogenic whacked-out dictator with nuclear weapons and a doctored ‘delivery system.’”

“I would just like to add that the Vice President, Secretary of Defense and the press have given us invaluable support in this effort,” added Rekmore diplomaticly.

Mr. Jong could not appear in person at the event. His spokesman, Mr. Lee, said that the nation’s leader was supervising the installation of magical herbs in mattresses at one of his 500 vacation homes in North Korea but that he was both, “Honored and Offended,” by the award.

KARZAI KRACKS KRITICS

Krazy Krackheads

Washington, WPI - Afghan President Hamid Karzai today took on those reporting on his country in America.

Karzai exonerated Newsweek magazine for riots attributed to a one sentence allegation that American prison guards had flushed a copy of the Koran down a toilet in an effort to torment Muslim prisoners in Cuba. “Those demonstrations were in reality not related to the Newsweek story," the Afghan president said, “besides there have been hundreds of reports of similar behaviors for the past three years. Putting the most sacred book of our culture and religion in a toilet is just one of many insults, some far worse, that these soldiers inflicted on our people.”

Distancing the Newsweek allegations from the riots, Karzai said, “They were more against the elections in Afghanistan. They were more against the progress in Afghanistan. They were more against the strategic partnership with the United States.”

Quickly dismissing the topic Karzai lacerated the US State Department for, “deplorable, reprehensible and completely, irresponsible allegations about the agricultural industry in Afghanistan!”

Citing a report released in March which characterized Afghanistan as a, “narco-state” Karzai lashed out at the authors. “In the United States there is a law which limits the free speech of citizen’s forbidding them from ‘corporate product disparagement.’ Oprah Winfrey was sued for saying that beef was bad for the diet, remember?” he asked the assembled press corp gathered in the White House.

“Yet your own State Department is free to attack the largest segment of Afghani agriculture!” he stormed referring to opium poppies, the raw material for heroin.

“What would happen to me if I said the food industry in the United States was a criminal conspiracy?” asked the Afgahni president. “ The entire American population suffers from a national crisis of obesity,” he pointed out, “but what would happen if I stated that the fast food industry, processed food manufacturers and the giant agri-businesses that lobby for monestrous and disastrous subsidies were to blame?”

“I would be sued into destitution! That’s what would happen!” he thundered.

The State Department report claimed that more than 510,000 acres of land was now dedicated to poppy production and that the Afghan narcotics situation "represents an enormous threat to world stability."

“I could say the exact same thing about the sugar industry in the US!” Karzai blared.

“Oh, but in America it’s never the government’s fault or businesses fault is it?” he challenged the press rhetorically. “In America it’s never the forces of profit that are to blame. NO, it is always the fault of the individual! It is always a failure of ‘personal responsibility,’ isn’t it?” thundered the normally sedate chief executive.

“Well you know what? Afghan farmers don’t make heroin! We just grow poppies. We grow poppies because there is a huge market for the products made from it. We grow poppies because the market demands it! It is capitalism, it is free enterprise!” he stormed.

President Bush, standing beside Karzai wore a frozen smile which suggested that he knew something was wrong but wasn’t sure what.

“You don’t blame American tobacco farmers! You don’t blame US sugar producers for selling their product to Coca-Cola do you? When southern black children are obese by twelve years old from drinking that poison, no State Department reporters accuse them of being a, ‘threat to world stability!’ Do they?" he asked accusingly.

“Your entire culture is organized around encouraging the citizenry to consume worthless, harmful products and when they do, you blame the individual for the ill effects they suffer! Why is Afghanistan different. All we do is grow flowers, it’s the American individual who shoots it’s venomous product into their veins!” The visibly shaking Karzai shouted.

At that moment, apparently reacting to a message in his earphone, President Bush intervened, cutting of the Afghan leader, saying "We want these new democracies to be able to defend themselves. And so we will continue to work with the Afghans to train them and to cooperate and consult with the government."

Scott McClellan, White House spokesman, explained that President Bush was merely picking up the prepared comments where they had left off.

MILITARY RECRUITING REBOUNDS

18 year-old Julio Sanchez of East LA is latest Marine recruit

Washington, WPI - In a joint statement today the armed forces announced that it had met and exceeded its recruiting goals for the first time in four months. They attribute the improvement to an aggressive new enlistment program named, “Project Shanghai.”

The project, jointly developed by the Army, Navy and Marine Corps works closely with local governments and community activist groups to target youths who might benefit most from military service.

In San Diego recruitment is up nearly 500% over previous months. Regional recruitment officer, Colonel Drew Malfortunato, says his close coordination with local authorities has made the difference. “We work with the schools, police agencies, truant officers, drug and probation agencies to find kids that need a fresh start.”

Maj. Gen. Michael D. Rochelle, who oversees Army enlistments explained, “There are many teenagers who really want an opportunity to get off the street, to leave the dangers of their ghetto-type neighborhoods behind. They don’t always know it right away but that is what this program is about. We create that opportunity for them.”

Using various governmental data bases, some of them only recently available under new “Patriot Act” rules, the recruiters go right into the streets to find enlistments. Often working at night, and in large groups, the recruiters will encircle a local “target of opportunity”to sweep for prospects.

“We identify trouble spots,” said Col. Malfortunato, “Playgrounds, parks, street corners, wherever local authorities have identified problems and groups of kids who are either drop-outs or otherwise ‘at risk.’ These are our primary targets.”

Specific recruiting tactics are not revealed, “Hey, this is a competitive business,” laughs Sargent Mannley Butcher who oversees operations in the Oakland, California region. ”The Air Force didn’t sign on and we have to contend with the Peace Corp, Americorp and a few other goodie-goodie agencies who are looking for volunteers. There’s only a limited number of warm bodies out there, we’re not revealing our tactics to ‘the enemy!’” Butcher added good naturedly.

Butcher, a former Marine drill instructor at Fort Pendelton, is a hand-to-hand and small arms expert and a veteran of both Desert Storm and the current Gulf War. “Without getting into specifics, we run our recruiting like an operation. We sweep into a target area and round up prospective recruits, ‘detainees’ we call them- using combat terms seems to help the patrol go efficiently,” said the now serious Sargent.

Critics have suggested that teens are intimidated by the fact that the recruiters are armed soldiers with M-1 rifles, 9mm side arms, stun grenades, pepper spray, night sticks, bullet-proof vests, handcuffs, black bags, helmets and masks. Some community organizations claim the enlistees are not permitted to visit their families before being sent to boot camp.

Reverend Arthur Condone of the Pentecostal Church of Latter Day Visionaries in Oakland charged that recruits are transported out of the community in the middle of the night without any opportunity for contemplation or consultation with family and friends. “These young men and women are hearded together at gun point and shipped out to boot camp without even saying goodbye to their Mommas!”

Sargent Butcher denies the claims, “We are soldiers. These are the tools of our trade. Kids like to see the weapons, they like riding in Bradley vehicles. I’ll tell you something, a lot of these kids, when they see the guns, they get very enthusiastic about joining up.”

Rev. Condone alleges that some teens have been enlisted even though they are under age. Butcher admits there have been mistakes.

“When we run an operation we storm into a ‘hot spot,’ as we call it, and we never know what we might find. Sometimes there are drug dealers around, some of these kids have weapons, we make every recruit produce identification. If they aren’t old enough we throw ‘em back in.”

Objecting to the allegations he added, “Every one of our recruits signs up, nobody is forced to do nothin’ they don’t want to. We make it clear that we won’t be around like this again, that this is their last chance. Hey, most of these kids are very glad to have an alternative.”

General Rochelle said the program is an overwhelming success. “We merely had to take a military approach to a military problem. Once we employed the tactics which have been successful in other theaters-of-operation we have become successful in this one.”

Captain Able Seshure, commander of Naval recruiting said, “I don’t know about the critics but the results for the Navy have been very impressive!”

PENTAGON OUTRAGED OVER WELL DOCUMENTED ALLEGATIONS

The guilty potties.

Washington, WPI - The Pentagon charged that a report in Newsweek Magazine accusing US soldiers in Guantanamo of desecrating the Koran was "irresponsible" and "demonstrably false."

"We can prove, by showing that there are no supporting documents, that such desecration never occurred!” asserted Pentagon spokesman Bryan Whitman.

Newsweek countered that an “absence of documents” is not proof of anything. Randolph Barlow, spokesman for the law firm Barlow, Jacke and Schlade, representing the magazine said, “Numerous released detainees have testified that throwing the Koran into a toilet was common practice.”

“We deny those allegations!,” stormed Whitman. “Is the world going to believe the testimony of a bunch of detainees who were wrongly held without charges, suffered abuse, starvation and possible torture? They all have chips on their shoulders- what the hell do you think they are going to say?”

Barlow replied, “Let’s see if I get this right: the Pentagon denies the testimony of the victims and has no evidence one way or the other but demands that a single national news magazine apologize for something that, for the past year, has been reported many times by numerous other news outlets?”

“Yes! Absolutely!” screamed a red-faced Whitman. “The facts are clear. American soldiers tortured detainees, they defiled the detainees religious beliefs in many ways including sexually, by using forbidden pork products, use of language, photographs and a few other things that haven’t come out yet, BUT, and this is a big but, Newsweek claimed that an ‘anonymous source’ told them that the toilet episode was in this new report. Well it’s NOT!”

Spewing saliva, the near hysterical Whitman concluded, “What can be more irresponsible then reporting unsubstantiated stories and lies about an important issue?”

The Pentagon has proposed that Newsweek return the “Certificate of True and Faithful Reporting” which the White House awarded to the magazine for it’s “reliable and unscrutinized coverage” of the fictions concerning WMD’s and Saddam Hussein’s links to terrorism during the ramp up to the invasion of Iraq.

“No way!” protested Newsweek publisher Blair Hourstkrepp. “We earned that award honorably. We will never give it back!”

NO CUMSTAIN: NO COVERAGE

RATPREC's

Media rejets ‘Smoking Gun' on Iraq as ‘not sexy enough’

Chicago, WPI - Adjourning their annual meeting this weekend in Chicago, America’s top news editors and publishers dismissed the historic disclosure that President Bush planned the invasion of Iraq as early as 2002 and sought British help to “fix the facts” to fit the policy as, “just not sexy enough.”

The Radio and Television Print Editors Club (RATPREC), the nation’s premier association of news editors from print and electronic media, meet annually to discuss the issues and challenges facing coverage and distribution of news in the US and abroad.

Topics discussed this year include “Digging for Details- Qualifing and Conditioning “Friends of the Victim” for broadcast; Checking for Facts- Extending the Definition of “Anonymous;” and The FCC and You - Free Broadband vs.Federal Scrutiny - How 'rockin the boat' results in onerous regulation."

The meeting, usually unnoticed outside the trade press, was itself the center of a media storm as thousands of protesters gathered to harass the jaded press corp demanding an explanation for why the media has ignored recent revelations in the UK regarding the origins of the war in Iraq.

On May 1, the prestigious London Times revealed the minutes of a confidential cabinet meeting of the Blair government which showed that the Bush administration had decided to invade Iraq as early as 2002 and sought British help to doctor data to invent a threat from Saddam Hussien.

The secret document labeled as, “Secret and Strictly Personal — UK eyes only” were minutes from a July 23, 2003 meeting attended by Blair, Jack Straw, the foreign secretary, Geoff Hoon, the defense secretary, Lord Goldsmith, the attorney-general, and military and intelligence chiefs. Also listed on the minutes are Alastair Campbell, then Blair’s director of strategy, Jonathan Powell, his chief of staff, and Sally Morgan, director of government relations.

In addition, a briefing paper specifically prepared for the July meeting reported that Blair had made his decision on Saddam when he met President George W Bush in Crawford, Texas, in April 2002. “When the prime minister discussed Iraq with President Bush at Crawford in April,” states the paper, “he said that the UK would support military action to bring about regime change.”

Luther Patriotis, Director of Responsible Reporting, a media watchdog group and organizer of the protest said, “This document is the ‘smoking gun’ in the record on Iraq. It proves, beyond any doubt whatsoever, that Bush planned to invade Iraq as early as six months after September 11th.

The US, Britian and a few other third world countries launched a military invasion of Iraq in March of 2003 with the purpose of deposing Saddam Hussien using the pretext of Hussien’s possession of Weapons of Mass Destriuction, a claim that has been proven false.

Patriotis added, “It proves, unequivocally, that the US and British intelligence communities invented the justification for war and that these events went uninspected and unreported by both national and international western media. Instead, the press acted like a cheerleading squad for the thin and tenuous data used to justify the invasion.”

The RATPREC meeting, famous for its raucous carousing, was no exception this year. Billy Babley, a free lance bartender hired to work the conference said, “Jesus, those people can drink. They poured down martians like the Rapture was tomorrow. I suppose it’s because they were on an expense account.” He confirmed another RATPREC characteristic, “But they are cheap SOB’s, I got crap for tips.”

Jack Hawkis, chairman of this year’s meeting and Opinion/Editorial Page Editor at the Washingtom Times said, “In our defense, because those guys (Responsible Reporting protesters) are probably right, we just don’t have the resources for real reporting anymore.

Mr. Hawkis, speaking informally in the Motown Bar in the Chicago Radission Hotel where the meeting was being held said, “Look, there is no such thing as an ‘independent’ newspaper or network anymore. We’re all owned by one or another media giant. Powell at the FCC holds a carrot in one hand, free broadband wavelength, and a stick, FCC censorship and fines, in the other. Who is going to do anything to piss of Powell’s boss, Bush? Rupert Murdoch? Sumner Redstone? Michael Eisner? Come on.”

Seconding that opinion was Nicki Marshall editor of News Media and Marketing magazine and owner of The Wild Grape Group, a news marketing consulting firm used by most major networks. “You must understand, the public doesn’t really want news anymore. They want action, drama, excitement. That’s why lottery numbers are more important to a news cast than the lead story.”

She continued, “The audience doesn’t want bad news, so what should we do? Give it to ‘em anyway? We are in business, remember?. What the public wants is ‘sex, drugs and rock & roll.’ That’s why the tabloids are successful. There aren’t any depressing stories about the president lying about starting a war, just stuff about JayLo getting knocked up.”

“This British Cabinet meeting thing is just not sexy,” Hawkis added. “If a couple of whores like Lewinsky and Tripp bring the memo in stuck to a cumstained dress then I’ll run the story. Otherwise, who cares?”

PANIC DRILL A 'SUCCESS' IN DC

'Monsters on Maple Street' updated

Washington, WPI - An unannounced emergency evacuation of the Federal government went exactly as predicted yesterday as most of the government infrastructure dropped everything and ran like terrified schoolchildren when a tiny two-seater plane penetrated inviolable government air-space.

The aircraft, a single engine Cessna 150, weighing barely 1500 pounds and having a top speed of 125 mph, was selected for the drill.

“This was the least menacing, least harmful aircraft we could find,” said Ali Abu Hassan, Director of Homeland Instability, sponsors of the drill. Homeland Instability is a little known department of the Office of Homeland Security, the powerful monolithic federal agency created after 9/11.

Tom Ridge, former director of Homeland Security, said in a private briefing to the Board of Directors of the Cato Institute in 2004 announcing formation of H.I. that increased measures were necessary to keep the public jittery and fearful. “The color coded national alert system is inadequate. Karl’s research shows that voters have grown steadily more comfortable relaxing their perceptions of imminent, personal threat. That can only hurt us in the up coming elections.”

The drill, designated, “Al Quacker,” to honor the president was closely observed by terror organizations worldwide.

Jut Sung Lee of North Korea said, “It was surprising how easily all these people panicked. Of course they are nothing but low level bureaucrats, little better than dogs. Frankly, I am accustomed to more discipline.”

Amam Ali Hebee of the Taliban remarked, “We did not believe that paralyzing the national government would be this simple. It is a humbling message to us all.”

Palestinian Mockbar Sheriff commented, “This must be very humiliating. All these workers, fleeing their duties like frightened schoolgirls. A once proud and strong country is now shown to be made up of cowards and sniveling women.”

The panic and fleeing was so robust that three people were trampled, two seriously.

In the Capitol, panic spread so fast that women abandoned their expensive Gucci shoes. Men ran leaving behind costly alligator briefcases and sunglasses. At the Supreme Court, three justices were manhandled into an underground parking garage where they stood pointlessly looking at one another for 50 minutes.

“It was a nightmare and wasted an entire day,“ fumed Justice Sandra Day O’Conner. “The only good part was to see Scalia hauled out of the men's room with his trousers around his knees!”

And at the White House, Vice President Dick Cheney, Laura Bush and Nancy Reagan, who happened to be visiting, were all evacuated. Cheney was whisked to his private 1.5 billion dollar nuclear bomb-proof bunker in suburban Maryland. The present and former first ladies went down to the White House root cellar.

“This is the best place to be in a tornado,” Mrs Bush told the quizzical Mrs. Reagan.

Senator Lisa Murkowski, Republican of Alaska, was presiding over the chamber when alarms sounded. Ms. Murkowski kicked off her stilleto heels and ran from the rostrum, then hastily doubled back to scream, "The chair will recess, the chair stands in recess! Run for your lives!" At that the panicked Senators knocked over desks, computers and each other all scrambling in an attempt to escape.

An unruffled Senator Charles E. Schumer, Democrat of New York, was in a telephone booth when he heard the commotion. “I looked out and a Senate aide, a young man with tears streaming down his face, he said they'd sounded the air-raid alarm. The poor fellow had wet himself, so I guided him to the lavatory telling him not to worry.”

Capitol Police, clearly terrified themselves, were seen shouting and striking stragglers, "Run, run, this is for real you idiots!"

Meanwhile, the Commander-in-Chief was out for a liesurley bike ride with an old chum from high school at the Patuxent Wildlife Research Center in suburban Maryland, a half-hour's drive from the White House. The President’s Secret Service detail - following him on bicycles, buses, jeeps and several heavily armed SUV’s, decided not to bother telling him what was happening.

White House spokesman, Scott McClellan, said, “What was the point? The Vice President was safe. Bush was twenty something miles away. Besides, you don’t interrupt the President’s visit with an old high school buddy unless it’s important.”

Asked who was in command McClellan replied, “Oh, who ever is head of the Secret Service detail that day can make that call. They decide what the President is told. Anyway, Cheney was safe, like I said.”

New Secretary of Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff proclaimed the drill an overwhelming success. At a late afternoon press conference called to clarify the day’s events, Chertoff told the assembly of reporters, arms manufaturers and terror groups, “This has exceeded our best projections. First off, the network media graciously cooperated in disseminating all the fear and panic that the citizens of Washington DC rightly felt, and I’d like to thank them for their efforts. Secondly, we have, directly for policy makers and indirectly for the rest of the country, reenforced the need to be diligent and afraid at all times.” His commets were met with resounding applause.

He continued, “Exercises like this one are what keeps moms and dads across America in a state of tension and dread. In turn, they look to a strong federal government to give them protection. Finally, I would like to thank the third world representatives who observed today’s drill. We hope that in the future they will adopt highly visible and reportable, but less lethal, forms of attack.”

Concluding, Secretary Chertoff said, “Homeland security is not about suppressing the rights of foreign peoples who disagree with us. It is about managing those disagreements in a way that keeps the American public in a perpetual state of wary defensiveness. That is good for the economy and the supporters of a strong decence. Remember, instability keeps the world goin' ‘round!”

STONE PHILLIPS TO TELEVISE SUICIDE

Katie will finally give him a blow

NYC, WPI - Stone Phillips, anchor of NBC’s Dateline program, has announced his intention to commit suicide in a televised episode of the award winning faux journalistic program.

A graduate of Yale, Phillips has been a pseudo-journalist since 1978. The handsome, photogenic anchor joined NBC’s Dateline in 1984. The program, a “soft news” show has in recent years morphed into a desperate mix of celebrity drivel and tedious courtroom drama.

“I’m largely to blame,” Phillips told TIME magazine in 2004, “I have great authority over the show and that’s actually the best I could come up with.”

Friends have reported that Phillips has been depressed about his career. “I know he received some kind of treatment for depression last year,” said friend and colleague Debra Norval, “I was very busy at the time so I think I just figured, ‘it’ll pass.’”

According to sources close to NBC the suicide is slated for fall during the TV sweeps week.

In a special appearance on the Today Show to announce his demise Phillips, looking tired but relaxed, told co-host Matt Lauer, “I’m absolutely committed,” he stated. “I just can’t do this anymore,” gesturing around the TV studio. “I mean, did you see Dateline Tuesday night? It was about Jessica and Ashlee Simpson! Honest to God. An entire hour pondering whether or not Jessica is genuinely stupid or if it’s a put-on to become a celebrity. Can my career sink any lower?” he asked the sympathetically mugging Lauer.

“I got into the business because I believed in it, I thought it was important, a medium for change. Now look at it- intellectual, spiritual pornography.” Lauer nodded with a profound look of saddened understanding then set up the commercial break.

Planning to assist in the suicide is Katie Couric who last year thrilled American audiences by televising her colonoscopy. Other ‘organ donors’ as the stunt has come to be called include Al Roker who televised his stomach stapling and Star Jones’s televised D&C on ABC’s “The View.” Phillips is the first to propose an actual death however.

I intend to commit ‘Seppuku’ or as it is popularly know, hari kari. I will ritualisticly stab myself in the abdomen and try to cut a large rectangle out, severing all my bowels as I go. If I manage to still be alive after that Katie will cut off my head with a razor sharp samurai sword.”

“I know it sounds ugly and painful but it’s good TV. I’m hoping we’ll set an all time ratings record. That is what I’m shooting for anyway. I need to accomplish something in my life.”

Allan Kishmeyer, legal correspondent for World Press International, said that NBC may have to broadcast from Oregon, the only state that permits assisted suicide. “I’m sure their lawyers will have to check the statues very carefully to see if there are any federal violations. God knows we don’t want anything bad to happen to Katie!”

MERCK RELEASES MEANINGLESS DRUGS

Nasty and ineffective

Washington WPI - Pharmaceutical giant, Merck Corporation, the today unveiled four new medicinal drugs but failed to identify the ailments they treat.

The drugs which affect a odd variety of nonlife-threatening symptoms have not been tested on humans and do not have FDA approvals.

Charles Ingestigina, product development manager for Merck made the announcement, “We believe these medicines will be very beneficial to a varied spectrum of discomforts the average person is likely to suffer sometime in their lives.”

One drug, Narcopropylene, helps prevent a persons foot from going to sleep. Another, Gastroapitel, helps a person to eat even if their stomach is full.

“There are minimal side effects so far,” reported Walter Coxise, chief pharmacologist overseeing the new products. “Narcopropylene makes people a little jittery, BP goes up a little. Gastroapitel may cause constipation or diarrhea, though the biggest risk is unrestrained obesity. Nothing very dangerous. That’s why we believe that they fall outside the FDA guidelines for human testing.”

George Goodrich, analyst with Kidder Peabody, who monitors the drug industry agreed. “Several years ago President Bush relaxed the review process for new drugs. Essentially, he allowed the FDA to get all its funding from industry in exchange for a streamlined approval process.”

Addressing the persistent questions regarding human testing and FDA approval Ingestigina said, “Look, most of these are simple derivatives of existing drugs or little twists on old stand-by’s like salicylic acid or ibuprofen. They’re nothing serious.”

The other drugs are Pistolumene, which purports to suppress the need to urinate in children and a “mildly psycho-active stress enhancer, Nicoplessibotinol.”

Goodrich pointed out that the drug industry has been pushing derivatives for years and that this is simply a new marketing approach, “Merck is simply going into the market place and saying to the public, ’Try this! It’s good for what ails ya!’”

Wendy Lappacanie, marketing director for new products, explained how the company intended to sell products which don’t treat any actual disease.

“Our, ’Ask your doctor for...blank,blank,blank,’ TV ads for prescription drugs has been a huge success. We have found that the right mix of images of healthy, happy, loving, active older people, mixed with lively but friendly music all capped with a logo for a mediciney sounding product works like candy.”

She elaborated, “Consumers don’t actually know what the medicine does but they ask their doctors for it anyway. They don’t want to miss out on something that’s good for them I suppose.”

McDONALDS INTROS 'FAMILY VALUES' MEAL

”


Atlanta, WPI - McDonalds Corporation has quietly begun offering “Family Values” meals in select regions of the US, primarily in conservative southern states. The meals feature pieces of fish or chicken formed into the shape of a cross, a hamburger with two cross-shaped “cheeses of Nazareth,” and a new ground, “Lamb of God,” burger made from mutton.

“We must constantly keep up with trends,” said Marketing Director Kathleen Coulde by phone. “McDonalds has always been the leader in innovative fast-food marketing, we try to respond quickly to new rages in American culture.”

Sales of the traditional Value Meals have been eroding and officials hope that new 'theme' oriented products will spur sales much as green ketchup did tying into 'Shrek.'

Critics however point to the company’s failure to sign a promotional tie-in with Mel Gibson on the DVD release of his blockbuster film, “The Passion of the Christ,” earlier this year.

“We were close to a deal,” said Jude Trattoro, VP of Promotions, from his office in Pasadena. “But the price was too high. Don’t get me wrong I love Mel, but he wanted to nail us to a cross too!”

In the end an agreement was struck. Gibson’s Bloodline Marketing Group supplies the toys for the Family Values Meals. “There is a series of small whips, plastic spears and washable tattoos,” Said Steven Gorey, spokesman for Bloodline. “The tats are really cool. We have one that looks like a gash from being pierced by a spear and a collectable series of deep whip marks and dripping blood. They are very graphic and realistic. Kids just love ‘em!”

Close to signing a deal too is James Caviezel, the actor who portrayed Jesus in the film. Mr. Caviezel will appear in a series of ads with Ronald McDonald later this year.

The meals feature all new packaging. Ketchup packets are blank saying only, “Jesus shed his blood for you,” Drink cups have a bible history game and quotes from the Beatitudes. The french fry boxes show an outline of marching Roman soldiers carrying fry-like spears.

Deserts feature two Ten Commandment cookies, licorice Cat-O-Nine tails or Mt. Calvary McFlurry topped with thorn shaped sprinkles.

“So far the reaction has been good,” said Coulde. “Our focus group research showed the ‘Values Voter’ craze is really taking off. The media is flogging it, if you’ll pardon the expression, airing any wacky cult or self-anointed preacher abusing Gays or Moslems or the decline of society. And now- that new Pope!"

“This merciless media crusade might create a whole new brand of Christian Consumerism,” added Gorey. “It could be bigger then the ‘X-Treme’ marketing of the ‘90's, and that was a monster!”

**********************************************
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JEWS CRASH NASCAR

No Passover here!

NYC, WPI - It's no secret that corporations don’t look at NASCAR for the competition, racing action or fiery, fan-thrilling crashes. Corporations, the life-blood of the sport, see only numbers. Numbers good enough to make even the most hard-boiled executives salivate on command.

Companies like McDonalds, Budwieser, Home Depot, Proctor & Gamble know good marketing opportunities when they see them, and NASCAR is one of the best. With 75 million loyal fans, spin-off TV programs, a cable channel, three endless racing seasons- what product manager could resist?

Certainly not Morris Fiengold, Director of Marketing for the American Jewish Federation, headquartered in the posh upper west-side of New York’s Manhattan island.

Yesterday Fiengold announced the Sponcership of car #17, owned by Team Morrey, in the Nextel Cup Series.

“We love these people,” Fiengold gushed at the press conference to announce the sponsorship. “I love Wallly like a brother!” he said referring to team owner Walter Morrey of Nashville.

Asked what the AJF hoped to achieve, Fiengold replied,”We want to improve the ‘Jewish Brand,’ if you will, in America. Jews enjoy some very positive market perceptions but continue to suffer some negative ones as well. NASCAR will help us turn that around.”

Asked to elaborate he replied, “We just want Americans to know we’re like everybody else! We drink lots of beer, watch too much TV, have domestic abuse issues. But we are also hard working, God-fearing people. We have the very same Family Values as race car fans.”

When questioned if the Jews wanted to recruit converts, Fiengold got angry, “Absolutely not! This isn’t about recruiting. Jewishness is hereditary, you can’t just ‘sign-up’ to become one of the chosen people. Calming, he continued, “We just want all those NASCAR Dads to know we are alike. We love the sport, we support their values, we love their fanatical allegiance to sponsored products.”

“Look, these people control the media,” interjected car owner Morrey, “If they didn’t support the sport it wouldn’t even be ON TV.”

Asked for a comment, driver Sean Kinsekser of E. Cestte W.Va., said, “Everybody thinks the Jews are just all banking and dry-goods and Hollywood and controlling the world through the World Bank and stuff. But really, they jus’ regular Americans like you and me...’cept for their dicks, I guess.”

“That’s the point,” injected Fiengold, “We’re not all Paul Wolfowitzs and Edgar Bronfmans!. You may not know this but many Jews hunt and fish. We buy boats and pick-up trucks, off-roads things- really, we are just average Joe and Mary Beercan, like you!” He added, “In fact I own the company that publishes Field & Stream!”

The car, the only Oldsmobile in the Nextel Cup competition, will be modified to reflect the new sponsors. “It’ll have a tighter wheelbase, a sloping front end with a curved grill.

“Just a little face-lift!” added the smiling Fiengold.
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MINNESOTA SCHOOL BOARD TO CHALLENGE EVOLUTION

Viking 'Tree of Life' resembles crucifix

Minneapolis, WPI - Taking their cue from the modern day Scopes Trial being renewed in Topeka, Kansas, the Minnesota School Board will hold hearings next week in an effort to introduce Viking religious thought into science classes which discuss evolution.

“Almost all of the people who live around here are descended from solid viking stock,” explained Helga Gudmutter, chairwoman of the Minnesota Board of Education. “Darwin’s teachings are becoming a dangerous dogma, in our humble opinion.”

Last November in a shock to voters, the Minnesota school board was taken over by advocates of “Viking Heritage,” a locally popular and expanding social and religious movement in this cold northern state.

Founded in the late 1960's by Helgard Balder Viking Heritage holds that the ancient Scandinavians were in fact the lost tribe of Israel and migrated to North America more than 5000 years ago.

“We have rich creation stories which are at least as valid as Darwin’s verison,” said Loki Thorson, spokesman for the group and leading advocate for the hearings.

“There are a great many things which cannot be explained by Natural Selection. Why should it have a monopoly on our children’s minds?” he asked.

Principle theorist for the Viking Heritage Foundation is Hod Friigrson, “Our explanations are simple and pure. They are integral to our people in the same way the Skreelings (Native Americans) have creation stories. We believe that the act of creation is, in fact, beyond human comprehension.”

“In the beginning there was nothing. Nothing but an abyss that extended through all space,” described Friigrson. “This was called Ginnungagap. At one end of the abyss was was Niflheim. It was cold, filled with ice, mist and darkness and from a huge spring flowed twelve large rivers. As the waters flowed into the abyss, ice blocks formed and filled one end.”

Friigrson continued,” On the opposite end of the abyss was Muspelheim. It was a place of fire, warmth and brightness and was guarded by a Flame-Giant named Surt whose sword sent great showers of sparks into the gap.”

“When the sparks met the ice a mist rose then froze creating a primordial cow. Along with it, Ymir, the first frost-giant was created. Sometime later he sweated two drops from his armpits and created a giant and giantess. Then he touched his feet together and two more giants were created. There also arose a large block of salty ice which was licked by the cow. From this licking a beautiful human-like creature was shaped, his name was Bori, the born one. He was the first god!” Said Friigrson catching a fast breath.

“Soon many more gods were created. Eventually they became bored and conflict arose between gods and giants. The struggle continued until the birth of Odin and his two brothers Vili and Ve. Their father was Borr, the son of Buri, and their mother Bestla, the offspring of a frost giant. Plotting to destroy the Frost Giants the brothers and their father killed Ymir. His blood surged into the abyss, drowning all but two of the frost giants who escaped the torrent in a boat. All remaining frost giants descended from these two.” rushed on Friigrson breathlessly.

Sitting down, he continued, “Odin and his brothers decided to build a better world. Raw materials were needed for this new world and so Ymir’s corpse was ground between two great millstones. The earth was made from his flesh, lakes and seas from his blood and mountains from his bones.

Friigrson, looking flushed, continued, “With the dead giant's skull, they fashioned the endless crown of sky supporting its corners with four dwarfs, which they made from the rotting entrails. Using Ymir's brains they produced the clouds and from the sparks of Muspell, they originated the sun, moon and stars to bathe the world in light. They placed the sun and moon in golden chariots with drivers named Day and Night to guide them in their daily journey across the sky.”

Professor Friigrson paused and wiped his brow, “They grew bored again and created the first humans. Odin took a branch from an ash tree and made a man named Askr. Then from an elm tree, he created a woman named Embla. They were put in Midgard and our human race grew. Because Odin cares for his human creations, future generations have been watched and protected by the gods. Of course then there is Loki...” the man slowed, looking around. “Did I explain about Midgard, yet? Listen, why don’t you come to one of our lectures, or enroll in high school next year.”

“Look, the point is,” interceded Thorson, “this is a wonderful explanation for how the world and people came into being. If these damn scientists can’t prove evolution, why should our children be denied alternate, equally plausible, explanations?”

Scientists, high school teachers, Christians, Moslems, Jews, agnostics, atheists and almost everyone else have vowed to stay away from the hearings.

“I am witness to the one and only truth, Jesus Christ is my savior,” said 16 year old Geoff Teddeons of Saint Paul, “Who would listen to crazy, made-up stories like those?”

2ND FEMALE PUNISHED, ARABS APPEASED

Ex Female General Karpinski and brother Rutger Hauer

WASHINGTON, WPI - The Army today demoted Brig. Gen. Janis Karpinski, whose Army Reserve unit was in charge of the Abu Ghraib prison compound during the period of abuse. The Army also cleared three other, more senior generals of misdeeds, all men, in the prisoner abuse scandal.

Karpinski is now the only general to be disciplined thus far. She is the only officer above the rank of Major to be punished. The demotion means her career in the military is effectively over.

The Army's inspector general investigated four allegations against Karpinski: dereliction of duty, making a "material misrepresentation" to investigators, failure to obey a lawful order and shoplifting. Only the shoplifting and dereliction of duty allegations were substantiated.

An anonymous government official said Karpinski was accused of shoplifting a cosmetic item from a store on an Air Force base while she was a colonel. Karpinski did not report her alleged arrest because she denied it ever happened.

A spokesman for the Inspector General said, “Look, I know it seems like a reach that an Army Colonel would shoplift a lipstick much less get busted for it, but several impoverished women employed in the commissary swore to it after lengthy questioning by military police.”

Many in Congress have harshly criticized the Pentagon for refusing to hold more senior officers in Iraq accountable and instead putting the bulk of the blame on lower-ranking female soldiers like Karpinski and Pfc. Lynndie England.

Shelby Kickis one of Karpinski's defense team pointed out that, “the Army is saying ‘she's the only senior leader that had any part in this,’ but then they say she didn't have a direct part in it. Make any sense to you?" Kickis accused the Army of protecting the good-ole-boys, “They picked the easiest link in the chain of command to cut- right at my client’s prettily made up eyes.”

In addition to being demoted, Karpinski received a written reprimand and was formally relieved of command of the 800th Military Police Brigade. Dropping her in rank to colonel required approval from President Bush, and officials said that he readily granted it.

Speaking at a later press conference Bush said, “When I met With Crown Prince Abdullah of Saudi Arabia last week he said we could get the Arabs to clam up, you know be satisfied and let it go, if we punished, ya' know humiliated, a few females.

The exiting president added, “Ya’ see, they don’t give a armadillo’s turd about the prisoners. They do far worse to their own people then what them young kids did at Aboo Grabby (sic.) They just wanna see us eat a little crow on this female equality deal. It’s an Islammy thing!”

S&P- FORD, GM 'JUNK'

Makamota and La Baron in happier times

Detroit, WPI - Standard & Poor's Ratings Services downgraded General Motors and Ford to "junk" on Thursday, a decision that will increase borrowing costs and limit fund-raising options for the nation's two biggest automakers.

Shares of GM fell almost 6 percent and Ford shares declined 4.5 percent after the announcement which lowered the compamies’ debt to below investment grade, which is commonly known as junk or high-yield status.

Both companies responded by saying they face no cash crunch and that they disagreed with the decision by S&P analysts.

Don Le Baron, Ford's executive vice president and chief financial officer, released a statement saying the company disagreed with S&P's action. "We're disappointed that it discounts our considerable liquidity and our access to diverse funding sources, as well as the recent successes of our new products," he said.

“It is wrong to classify our company as junk,” declared GM Public Relations spokesman, Falcon Chassy, speaking to reporters. “We build an excellent product.”

Analysts site the continued erosion of domestic sales and the ever improving quality of foreign made vehicles as the issue.

Kazumi Makamota, spokesman for S&P said, “Look, their cars are junk. Oh, they look great, run great for two, three years then they start to fall apart. Their vehicles are crap. Japanese cars are infinitely better.”

Both auto makers denied the charge. “We were the first car company to introduce multiple cup-holders in our vehicles,” protested Chassy, “Innovations like that have kept us in the forefront of American consumer interests.” Added La Baron, “Ford was the first company to make an installed DVD player an option in our high-end line of vehicles. The Japs are just beginning to catch up. Remember, ‘Quality is job 1!’”

“That’s exactly the problem," Makamota responded. "If they would just build cars better! Make them so the alternator or muffler doesn’t fail in 18 months; make them so the electrical system doesn’t die after 40,000 miles. Build them so the door handle doesn’t come off in your hand in the third year you own it. You know, little stuff like that!”

GM shares dropped $1.94, or 5.9 percent, to $30.86 while Ford shares fell 46 cents, or 4.5 percent, to $9.70 in trading Thursday on the New York Stock Exchange. Standard and Poors was purchased last year by Japanese conglomerate Smakadiki Industries.

TEXAS HOUSE BANS ''SUGGESTIVE' SPORTS CONTACT

Taut buttocks and girl-on-girl moves Texas Legislators

AUSTIN, Texas - The Texas House, in a hotly debated session, approved a bill on Tuesday that restricts "overtly sexually suggestive" sports contact.

The debate which raged for hours was alternately, coy, charming, tender, revealing, painful, hard, and moist. An unusual mix of lawmakers supported the legislation. Conservative legislators found themselves allied with a block of gay Representatives.

“My boyfriend and I have been totally embarrassed more than once when we attended Black Rock football games and watched my niece cheerleading,” said Angel Toporido, representative from Austin’s Tenderloin District. “MyGod,” he continued ”they look like such ho’s humping and gyrating their little muffins like that. It was like a drag show from the French Quater!”

Joining Toporidi in disgust was arch-Conservative Bernard Sticke from Redlands, “I am personally flushed when I see these young men, Texas’ finest and fittest boys, touching one another on the buttocks and jerking their crotches.” He continued, “When I was a boy I couldn’t play sports because of my size. How I longed to join! I dreamt day and night about banging into other boys, about getting crushed under a big pile of the older fellas. Now this nonsense with butt slapping and jock adjusting, it’s repugnant!” claimed the 84 year old. “It has to be stopped.”

Democratic Rep. Al Edwards, who filed the legislation argued that arousing performances are a distraction for students and stimulate teen pregnancy, dropping out and the spread of sexually transmitted diseases. He offered no evidence to support this claim. “I don’t need to!” he shouted at a reporter “This is Texas! We just KNOW what’s right, don’t you?”

The bill would give the state education commissioner authority to request that school districts suspend students who exhibit behaviors, on or off the field, which an appointed statewide Sexual Review Committee deemed “overtly stimulating.”

Sexual behaviors are not defined in the bill. "Any adult that's been involved with sex in their lives, and even some who haven’t, will know it when they see it," Edwards sneered.

Some questioned the legislator's priorities. "Have we done anything about stem cell research to help people who are dying and are sick advance their health? No," said Democratic Rep. Senfronia Thompson. "Have we done anything to advance the mentally ill, school finance or ethics? No. But they have time for this crap."

Supporters of the legislation, including Torporido and Sticke will serve on the Review Committee. “We will study tapes of reported dirty deeds and frequently bring the accused before us to show us what they did and how they did it. We’ll make a ruling once we are satisfied.”

“You get the cheerleaders Bernie, I call the boys!” injected Torporido.

OFFICIAL BLAMES REPORTERS FOR INCREASE IN TERROR THREATS

Rice seeks tissue after
wanked-off frat boys refuse hanky

WASHINGTON, WPI - The battle against international terrorism remains "formidable" for the United States and its allies, with 651 significant attacks killing 1,900 people worldwide last year, asserted two U.S. government reports released Wednesday.

Both the National Counterterrorism Center and the State Department released annual reports on global terrorism.

The State Department report said "international terrorism continued to pose a significant threat to the United States and its partners in 2004." While the preliminary NCTC report identified the number of events and casualties.

Terrorist attacks were up markedly from 2003 when the State Department reported 208 attacks killed 625 people worldwide. 175 of those attacks were deemed "significant," which was a world’s record according to the Guinness Book.

However, the NCTC's acting director, John Brennan, stressed Wednesday that the newest data cannot be compared accurately to previous numbers, saying a more comprehensive review was conducted for the 2004 figures.

“Just ignore these numbers.” Brennan told a hand picked group of reporters taken to lunch in an exclusive DC restaurant. “Our improved reporting techniques, along with the war in Iraq, are the primary reasons for the significant growth in the number of terrorist incidents being reported," Brennan said. "This increase in the number of incidents being reported today does not necessarily mean there has been a growth in actual terrorist incidents,” he strained to explain.

“What I’m trying to say is this: while there are many more terrorist attacks and casualties since we invaded Iraq, you shouldn’t pay attention to them. It’s really not any worse then it was. Even though the numbers are way up.” Brennan struggled.

“Wait, let me put it a different way. Now, first- we never tried to lie about the numbers in the past. That whole revision thing we had to do, remember where the data processing guys left six months out of the report last year, well, that was an accident, and you shouldn’t conclude that we’re lying now, or somehow trying to divert the reality of things or like I said, lie.” Brennan stopped, sweating.

"The data you will see today represents a break from previous years, and the numbers can't be compared to previous years in any meaningful way," he went on. “See, the problem is...before...the people who reported the data, I guess, they weren’t very good or whatever. The numbers last year, before the election, and this never had anything to do with Karl Rove like some of you cynics claimed, the numbers were just not collected too good.” Brennan’s eyes darted rapidly as he continued.

“What I'm saying is, this data doesn’t really show an increase in terror attacks, I mean it does but, the problem really is you reporters. See...before, WE were in control of collecting the data. Now you people, reporters, you... well, now YOU are mainly the ones keeping track and it seems you do it better and we have to include the stuff you find.” Brennan drank some water, wiped his brow and tried to conclude.

“This is a nice lunch isn’t it? Nice place. We’re picking up the bill here too you know,” he added as an aside. “See it’s not that we or anybody tried to suppress the numbers before the election, it’s just that you damn guys, well, you report too much, you see the problem?” he hadded with half a smile.

Brennan’s remarks contradicted a statement by Rep. Henry Waxman, D-Ca. who claimed that State Department and NCTC officials had briefed congressional leaders telling them that, "the methodology and definitions used to vet the data were identical to last year's."

Meanwhile, elsewhere in Washington, Secretary Condoleezza Rice refused to allow the State Department to release their statistics, information which had always been included previously. Rice claimed, “she wanted to allow intelligence officials to decide about releasing unpleasant information.”.

To date, Director of National Intelligence John Negroponte had not decided whether to release the data. Negroponte said, through a spokesman, "All the Democrats are going to do is say that the statistics don't support the President's claim that we are winning the 'war on terror,' Sometimes numbers lie you know."

Spokesman Conrad Alertae of the State department said, “This is sensitive information. Many God Fearing families throughout America might become alarmed about a threefold increase in terror attacks. The State Department is not in the business of frightening good, values-oriented Christians. That’s the job of Jesus-hating Democrats.”

Waxman statement also asserted that more significant attacks took place in Iraq alone in 2004 than in all the world a year earlier.

“See! That’s exactly what I’m talking about!” responded spokesman Alertae. “Democrats just take these facts and try to scare people. Good, God loving families don’t need to be scared. People should just follow the color-coded terror-threat chart from Homeland Security.”

Teens Credit ‘Higher Power’ With Catastrophe

Faith sails off into the sunset


CHARLESTON, WPI - Josh Long and Troy Driscoll were rescued yesterday after nearly a week adrift at sea. The boys went fishing for shark in their small sailboat on April 24. Forecasters that day were warning boaters about rough conditions. The winds and current drove their small 14' sailboat far offshore and the teens began to realize they might be in trouble.

“That was the first time I said a prayer,” said Long. “At that point I still had faith.”

As the boys drifted further away from home they lost their bait and later pitched their fishing rods. “We didn’t think we’d need the rods. We thought they would be too much trouble to hang onto,” said Driscoll. “ Thanks God, for letting us do that!” added Long.

At night the boys clung together. They spent the days searching in vain for help. At first, To keep their spirts up, they prayed and sang hymns. “Fat lot of good that did!” snarled Driscoll.

Long said, “Here we are in the middle of the ocean- we’re starving, dying of thirst, freezing wet and realizing we’re gonna die a miserable death, our bodies will be chewed up by fish, our parents will never even find any remains to bury and we’re singing praise to God?? We looked at each other and said, like, ‘What, are we stupid?’ God did this shit to us and we’re sayin’ ‘Thanks!?”

“We felt so stupid!” added Driscoll.

Long said he gargled with saltwater to keep his throat moist and Driscoll tried eating some jellyfish tentacles. "I saw them in the water and ate two little strings off of one and the next day I was fine," Driscoll said. "It was nasty and the aftertaste made me almost puke. But so what, it couldn’t get any worse."

Long refused to try them. “Out in the middle of the ocean, it’s ‘full of God’s Bounty,’ they told me in Sunday School, so what does the He provide? A couple of poisonous little jellyfish!” Long muttered venomously. “How about a tuna, God? Or a sea bass? Or a slimy little eel or even some sea weed?” the boy shouted angrily, shaking his fist at the ceiling.

After almost a week, the boys were rescued by a fishing boat. “I had just finished cursing God and pledging my soul to Satan when the sky cleared and we could see a boat on the horizon,” Driscoll described that morning. “Sure, we were glad to be rescued but we really didn’t care anymore. I mean, who wants to live in a world where God does shit like that to a couple of innocent kids, ya’ know?” asked Long.

“God damn right, “ added Driscoll, “Screw Him.”

Public Loves Lynndie Cop!

Pfc. Lynndie England with backup singers, The Amazons

Bagdad, WPI - Infamous prison abuser Pfc. Lynndie R. England, 22, plead guilty today to seven of the nine counts against her. She copped a plea with military prosecutors. England had faced up to 16 1/2 years in prison if convicted on all nine counts, But one of her lawyers, Capt. Jonathan Crisp, said, “Lynndie is not going to walk, but she may bogey out of a few charges.”

Next Tuesday the proceedings will cross the Atlantic and resume at the Savoy Hotel in Harlem, where a military tribunal lead by the legendary Colonel Tommy Dorsey, will swing into action hearing evidence on sentencing. The lower key charges of conspiracy, dereliction of duty, maltreatment and indecent acts, carry a maximum sentence of 11 years.

“We’re very excited,” Dorsey told the media. “People want a show and we’ll give it to’em!” he promised.

Photographs of Private England, an Army reservist from West Virginia, show her holding a leash around the neck of a naked and crawling Iraqi detainee. “We were trying to dance, and he tripped on my feet and fell.” England claimed in her written plea.

Her lawyers will present evidence that she has no rhythm, cannot read music, carry a tune or even Charleston. “It was her ex-boyfriend, Spec. Charles A. Graner Jr., who did this. He orchestrated the whole thing. Lyndie was a simple show girl.”

Explaining other photos in which she appeared grinning and giving a thumbs-up next to a pile of naked prisoners her defense quoted testimony from Garner’s trial,” Man it was happenin’! Chuck had dem dudes really swinging! Dey was jitterbuggin’ an a German Shepard got loose- ho man! Dey all crashed in a big pile in da corner.” swore witness PFC. C. Calloway.

England's defense team will claim that she had a history of mental health problems and learning disabilities. England concluded her plea by telling the court, “‘If I am guilty of anything, it’s of loving too much!’”

WSJ REPORTS “MARKETS EXPLODING” ACROSS IRAQ

Market boom bigger than expected, WSJ says

Washington, WPI - The Wall Street Journal wrote in a front page story today that, “the Free Market is exploding all across Iraq.”

“President Bush’s courageous crusade to bring freedom, democracy and free enterprise to the Iraqi people has been a smashing success!” the WSJ quoted international economist Warner Nobel III, co-author of a Council on Foreign Relations report on the progress made in the Iraqi economy.

“Cars sales are booming; housing and reconstruction are going through the roof and healthcare growth is on fire!” he offered zealously.

Nobel credits a series of steps the US has taken. “We replaced the oppressive security of Hussein with a hands-off, open society. People can now come and go as they please to conduct their business.”

Noel said that a major hurdle to building a market economy was Iraq's socialist past. Saddam Hussein's Ba'ath regime patterned its economy on the Soviet Union. "Iraq had a highly structured society, a centralized economy, and state controlled market place,” Nobel pointed out. “Commerce was quiet, growth was flat. Now, there are no regulations and the markets are all headed up.”

The next step, the report said, was to stimulate demand by creating jobs in the private sector. “We opened the country to unregulated travel. We encouraged unfettered entrance to the country’s urban markets.” wrote Icbaa Barcarat, a former Ba’athist economist in the Republican Gaurd and consultant to the report. “Next, we attacked the oil industry,“ he added.

Despite of the fact that Iraq has the world's second-largest oil reserves the Iraqi economy has benefitted very little from oil revenues.

“Don’t listen to those ‘cynics’ as President Bush calls them. We are succeeding!” White House spokesperson Kathy Deedley proclaimed. “Just look at the headlines. In Iraq, the sky’s the limit!”

Bush Urges Private SSI Investment in “Gasoline Futures”

Bush patronizes Negro to amuse Virginia Whites

Fairfax, WPI - President Bush unveiled a new proposal in his campaign to restructure Social Security in a Fairfax County community gym filled with ringers yesterday. The concept, first developed by oil researchers from Tulane University, will permit individuals to invest their Social Security earnings in private gasoline-futures accounts.

Bush has said that the Social Security system must be fixed because it is headed for bankruptcy by 2041, then added, “that ain’t the worst of it. Fossil fuels are gonna be all used up in about 50 years. By 2041 ya’ll be payin’ $400 a gallon for gas.”

Energy experts have been predicting for decades that the world’s reserves of fossil fuels- oil, coal, natural gas,- with be exhausted by 2050. Leading researcher Kyle Bindiger of the Energy Institute said, “Reserves are measurable and finite. As the economies of third world countries, especially China grow, consumption will accelerate. If there is any oil left on the entire planet by 2050, I’ll be surprised.”

Bush’s new proposal will permit people to invest their Social Security earnings in private “Energy Accounts.” This will be a portfolio invested in various oil producing companies.

Bush explained, “See, as we run out of oil these big companies are gonna have to move into some other kinds of business. They’ll need lots of money to do that, your money.” In exchange, the President said, oil companies will withhold thousands of barrels of gasoline from the public to be distributed exclusively to their investors when they retire.

“This a win-win situation!” Bush gushed. “You invest your retirement savings now, and when you get old you’ll have gasoline when nobody else does.”

Skeptics have suggested that the plan is nothing more than a thinly disguised scheme to kite Social Security money and deliver it to his cronies in the oil industry. Warren Rieder of the American Center for Alternate Energy said, “What kind of a plan is that? How about a government program to face the dilemma? Develop other sources of energy- bio fuels, wind, hydroelectric. The world faces a disaster of biblical proportions and he suggests people give their money to oil companies? Man, I have heard it all!”

“Don’t listen to those ‘cynics’” Bush said. “Ya’ll gonna be rich!” he urged the throng.