YO CASA, MI CASA: HIGH COURT RULES

Carpe Sandra Diem!

Washington, WPI - The U.S. Supreme Court ruled Thursday that local governments can seize private property from one owner and give it to friendly developers. All that is required is for a municipality to determine that a property is “blighted or in a blighted area.” The corporations must then follow with boisterous claims that they will, “increase the tax base and create jobs.”

The court made it clear that local governments had sole responsibility to define “blight” and expidite the seizure of private property through the power of “eminent domain.”

In the case, Kelo v. City of New London, Susette Kelo and several other homeowners in a working-class New London neighborhood filed suit in 2000 when city officials introduced plans to raze their homes so a company could build a riverfront hotel, health club and offices. New London City officials defended the transfer of property from small home owners to a large corporation by claiming that the development, “served a public purpose of boosting economic growth that outweighed the homeowners' property rights, whatever they are.”

City Manager Anthony Mettso was encouraged by the decision, “We’re going to give these people good money for their houses. Most of them were dumps anyway. They’ll get more from the city then they woulda from a fire insurance payout, of that I’m certain.”

Al Steelitoli, Chairman of the New London Chamber of Commerce which participated in the suit as a “Friend of the Defendant,” was even more enthusiastic. “This is great. This is fantastic. Waterfront needs development. My friends have been waiting for this for years. We’re goinna get Federal money, state money and a few block grants- that neighborhood will be gone in two weeks!”

The Supreme Court case considered the sweep of the Fifth Amendment and the authority of government to seize private property for "public use." Thursday's ruling firmly established that giving a small homeowner’s property to a private developer was allowable as long as local officials determined that it was for, “the public good.” This is generally understood to mean that the development will produce new jobs and tax revenues.

Historically, governments used the authority of eminent-domain to take property for projects such as roads and schools. Begining in the late 1970's, driven by urban development, municipalities began to take properties if it was “blighted, or in a blighted area.” However, under Republican leadership nationwide many states have begun allowing cities, towns and villages to seize more desirable properties. Waterfront property on lakes, rivers and the ocean have been condemned and seized. Inland, gently rolling hills in pristine agricultural areas have been taken as potential sites for golf courses, rural corporate headquarters and gated communities.

This has lead to some severe criticism from conservationists and others. Justin Foreall, national chairman of the Sierra Club said in a speech, “The temptation and opportunity for corruption is unparalleled. To corrupt the Supreme Court might take decades. To corrupt the Senate would cost in the tens of millions in campaign finance money. To buy a few councilmen, it’s peanuts. These land grabs are never about, ‘jobs and taxes’ they are about the relentless march to merge government with corporate interests- just like the Military-Industrial complex- but on a local level, all across America.”

“Yeah, yeah, new jobs, blah, blah, blah. That ain’t the point” said New London developer Al Shoottu. “This is prime real estate! It’s beachfront. When the casino, I mean hotel, is up the whole town is gonna share in the pie. I mean the taxes, ya know?”

Critics have charged that giving local municipalities absolute authority to designate property as, “blighted,” and a target for seizure by eminent domain, is a bad thing. A spokesman for “Neighbor Protecting Neighbors,” a group formed to fight the planned waterfront development said, “You don’t understand. These guys, they are all connected. How hard is it to get a councilperson elected? They have union money, developer money. The whole town council, they’re all in on it.”

The spokesman asked to remain anonymous after last month’s mysterious disappearance of the group’s president, Don Herttme. New London Police Chief, Pauley Bearer, called the disappearance, “suspicious, but I think it’s a domestic thing. If I hadda guess, he’ll probably never resurface.”

Justice John Paul Stevens, writing for the court's majority, said local officials know best in deciding whether a development will benefit the community.

“That’s our man!” gushed Chamber Chair Steelitoli on hearing the comment.

WHITE HOUSE HIRES MICROSOFT TO EDIT POLICY REPORTS

Inexplicably dressed as a Rabbi, Bill Gates kowtows for Commies

Washington, WPI - One day after a controversial White House aide who diluted scientific evidence of global warming in government documents was hired by an oil company, the administration has retained computer giant Microsoft to vet all future scientific and policy reports.

Philip Cooney, the former chief of staff to President Bush’s Council on Environmental Quality, who quit two days after leaked documents revealed that he had neutered conclusions of legitimate scientists, was hired Wednesday by oil giant Exxon Mobil.

“We still have to follow our process,” said White House spokesman Scott McClellan. “The administration still needs the science boiled down and shaped to fit policy objectives. The President and his advisors can’t read everything themselves.”

Microsoft was selected shortly after it was announced that it had been hired by China to manage their Chinese language-based Web internet portal. Late last month, Microsoft began MSN China, as a joint venture with Shanghai Alliance Investment.

Under the agreement Microsoft will help censor the Chinese people, mainly web-log users. MSN Spaces, a free “blog” server, will allow Chinese Internet users to post personal comments in cyberspace -- provided they do not address subjects considered taboo by the Chinese authorities.

“This seems like a natural fit,” continued McClellen. “Microsoft has the expertise needed to handle the massive number of documents the administration must review. They posses the off-the-shelf software to vet the data quickly and easily.”

Critics have pointed out that what MSN does in China is simply block any message which contain certain forbidden words like “freedom,” “democracy,” “liberty” and “pussy.” The company did not provide further information on the ban or the complete list of words which will be prohibited.

"MSN Spaces in China is managed by its China joint venture the Shanghai MSN Network Communications Technology Company Ltd.” said Rachel Lee, Microsoft spokeswoman from Hong Kong. “ MSN abides by the laws, regulations and norms of each country in which it operates. So it’s not our fault."

McClellen said the final details had not yet been ironed out. “We anticipate a similar process. It is our analysis that the methods are highly effective. It is what the president wants.”

MEDIA STOCKS PLUNGE ON JACKSON VERDICT

Japanese news crew sadly leave Jackson trial

Los Angeles, WPI - Share prices of the major media companies plunged yesterday on the shocking decision in the Michael Jackson child molestation case. Jackson was found innocent on all ten counts in the indictment.

Several companies immediately reacted announcing massive layoffs. Meso Hornae, spokeswoman for Time-Warner Inc., owner of CNN, said that the company handed out pink slips to nearly 2000 employees. “It is an unfortunate situation. Most of those laid off today are part-time, consultants and support personnel. Our core corporate employees remain intact.”

Fox News announced lay-offs of 600. Disney/ABC cut 450 jobs.

Beyonce Resonne’, speaking for ABC said, “This unfortunate verdict has left a large segment of our News Features Group project-less. Expert legal forecasts had predicted a guilty verdict which would have triggered months of additional Jackson programing. Projects as diverse as prison food, haircuts and entertainment, based on the success of the Martha Stewart model, had been planned. This unhappy verdict has sunk that strategy.”

Especially hard hit are the expert attorneys contracted to cover the story. Robert Shapiro, of OJ Simpson fame, sounded a despondent note, “I actually sold my practice to do network consulting full-time, it was very lucrative. I guess I’ll have to go out and find some clients.”

Adding to the distress is the fact that nearly every consultant and pundit predicted the wrong outcome to the case. A WPI survey showed that 98% of TV news experts employed to give their, ”professional opinion” had forecast a guilty verdict. Only Geraldo Rivera of Fox had predicted an innocent verdict.

“We will take a hard look at the caliber and cost of these ‘experts’ in the future,” said Fox News Director Nobel Veridis in a statement. “When so much money has been spent to educate and entertain our audience, and predictions and promises turn out entirely wrong, it’s time for a full review.”

In addition to on-air experts, the cuts will mostly impact support staff . Cameramen, stylists, caterers, drivers, tent suppliers, producers and production assistants will all be affected.

“We had some great stuff lined up about prison rape,” complained one producer who wished to remain anonymous. “We could have milked that cow for another year. Oh well, some other celebrity will do something and I'll be working again soon!” he added as he departed CBS’s Rockefeller Center building.

For losses and current share prices go to: www.WPI.medianews/stockticker.com/

MILITARY VAMPS UP RECRUITING

Retired General Colin Powell, MC of the new show, rehearses opening number; "Don't ask; Don't Tell!"

Hollywood WPI - A commission charged with improving military recruiting announced today that it is working with Fox Television in an effort to attract more young people to serve in the military. The strategy is built around a spin-off of the wildly popular, “American Idol” TV series.

“This will be called, ‘True American Idol,'” announced Marshall Devorcess, Fox Director of Programming. “It will be a talent show, with voting from the public, but limited to only members of the armed forces.”

Rear Admiral Adam DeTorpieda, coordinator of the campaign said, “There are many talented men and women in the military, and we want to attract more. This will be many Americans fastest route to celebrity, I promise you!”

True Idol, as the program is nicknamed, will be different in several ways from its parent program. The show will pick a winner every week in several categories; singer, dancer, male and female spokesmodels, instrumentalist, comedian and a general entertainer catagory for non-traditional performers like jugglers.

“We want to maximize the number of opportunities for our potential stars.” said Gen. DeTorpieda. “The military already offers the best careers for young people- postman, clerk, bank teller, truck driver, computer programmer, we offer it all. Now we can add SuperStar to that list!”

Since the war in Iraq has bogged down and field commanders have declared that the US cannot achieve a military victory, all branches of the military have faced shrinking numbers of new recruits.

“Constant bad news is a deterrent to recruiting success,” declared Captain Charlie Keller, Media Relations Director for Army recruitment. “Personally, I think it’s treasonous for the press to carp on set-backs and the negatives of war. It hurt us in Vietnam- we had to go to the draft to get enough warm bodies. President Bush will not allow that now, for obvious reasons.”

Research by the joint services have shown that some of the “glamor” of serving in the military has evaporated. Not only do high school graduates shy away but now even their parents are discouraging enlistment.

“Vietnam was a quagmire,” said Charlestown, SC parent Kirk Urashe, “so is Iraq. I fought in southeast Asia. No way my kids are going into this one.”

“Since the all-volunteer army was implemented our marketing has focused on benefits- money for education, signing bonus, job training, health insurance and pension- your basic corporate appeal. We dropped the ‘serve your country/protect freedom’ pitch a long time ago,” said advertising executive Brad Yerhare who manages the recruiting account for the Army. “You have to adjust with the times. The one thing impoverished kids all across the country dream about today is celebrity. I say,'Join the army, we’ll give you a shot!”

The parties have also been in discussion about another recruiting project merging two of Fox’s most popular programs. Misdemeanor and “soft-felony” offenders (DWI, etc) will be apprehended in Cops then brought to trial in Judge Judy. In lieu of jail time they will be permitted to enlist. No timetable has been set.

AFRICAN DOCTORS PROMOTE ABSTINENCE TO FIGHT CATHOLICISM

Africans pray the Church will butt-out

Washington WPI - South African Surgeon General, Ulamba Grebassa told African doctors Friday that abstinence is the only "fail-safe" way to stop the spread of dangerous Catholic teachings about the prevention of the HIV virus which is ravaging the continent.

Grebassa met with physicians from South Africa, Botswana, Swaziland, Namibia and Lesotho. He has met previously with doctors from Burundi and Rwanda since assuming the Surgeon General position April 19, but this was the first time he took up the problem of the AIDS epidemic on the continent.

"It is of great concern that the fabric of African life, its very source of hope and stability, is threatened by archaic, repressive teachings on divorce, abortion, prostitution and contraception, all of which contribute to the continued spread of this devastating virus." Grebassa said.

The Surgeon General pointed to the “false, insincere comments from the Vatican,” referring to Pope Benedict’s recent comments that he shared the doctor’s concern about the devastation caused by AIDS and that he prayed for "all those whose lives have been shattered by this cruel epidemic."

The Pope came in for more criticism for saying, "the Catholic Church has always been at the forefront both in prevention and in treatment of this illness" and that "the traditional teaching of the church has proven to be the only fail-safe way to prevent the spread of HIV/AIDS."

For that reason, he said, fidelity in marriage "and the safeguard which chastity gives" must always be presented to the faithful, especially to the young.

Grebassa told the more than 200 assembled doctors, “Only people totally cut off from reality would promote ‘chastity’ to fight AIDS. Whatever pathology those Vatican celibates suffer from it is not in the African character. Offering us ‘chastity’ is like telling smokers that the best way to quit is to stop breathing.”

The Vatican's opposition to condoms has been criticized universally by health care providers who recognize condom use as the simplest way to combat the spread of the HIV virus.

More than 60 percent of the 40 million people infected with HIV worldwide live in Sub-Saharan Africa. A recent U.N. study predicted that more than 80 million Africans will die from AIDS by 2025 while infections would climb to 90 million — or more than 10 percent of the continent's population — if more is not done to spread prevention programs and extend better access to drugs to control the virus.

South Africa has the highest number of HIV-infected people in the world. It is estimated that 600-1,000 people die of AIDS there every day.

“It would be much better if the Pope would keep his fantasies and dangerous ideas out of Africa” Grebassa concluded, “Abstinence from Catholic ideas is the only ‘fail-safe’ way to prevent the spread of dangerous ideas about HIV. Remember Mr. Pope: You no playa’ the game, you no maka’ the rules.”

HIGH COURT SMOKES POT LAW

Please Drink Responshably

Washinton, WPI - The right of states to regulate the medical use of marijuana went up in smoke Monday as the Supreme Court, in a staggering expansion of Federal powers, ruled that federal law controls interstate commerce, crushing the budding effort of states to conduct their own activities.

The court overturned a 2003 federal appeals decision that shielded the medical-marijuana initiative adopted by California’s voters nine years ago, known as the ‘Compassionate Use Act,’ from the reach of federal drug enforcement. The appeals court ruling held that Congress did not have the constitutional authority to regulate noncommercial cultivation and use of marijuana which did not cross state lines.

The high court decision was another confirmation of federal authority by a court long known for its willingness to limit states rights. The ruling affirmed the prerogative of Congress to prohibit and prosecute the possession and use of marijuana for medical purposes in the 11 states that permit it.

“Drugs are drugs. Just because somebody wants to use them doesn’t make them medicine. What’s next? Heroine?” asked Assistant Federal Prosecutor Harris Heydrich who followed the case.

“In fact, most effective pain relievers are heroine derivatives,” pointed out California’s Surgeon General Grace Populi. They all stem from a ‘crude plant,’ the poppy. There is a world of difference between a medical prescription for a drug written by a physician and drug abuse.” She added, “God forbid that any of these medical marijuana opponents ever get painfully sick.”

Conservative Peter Coors of Colorado who contributed more than one million dollars to the campaign to fight the use of medicinal pot commented, “This nation needs to take stock of itself. Marijuana is a serious, serious problem in America. It is illegally used for recreation and is highly recognized as the ‘gateway’ drug to more powerful forms of addiction.”

Avery Tingstifle, president of Mothers Opposing Pot Smoking (MOPS) agrees. “ There is solid evidence that marijuana leads to all the other drug addictions. Marijuana us is the number one drug problem in Christian America today.”

Captain Herbert Heuser of the Los Angles police department disagrees, “Listen, domestic violence, auto accidents, rape, murder, assault are all nearly always associated with drinking. 25% of US kids are in families of alcoholics. I have never even heard of a junkie that didn’t start out with alcohol.”

“We encourage all our consumers to drink responsibly!” countered Coors. “Besides alcohol is legal! That’s the point isn’t it?”

“I’ll tell you what, I have never seen a guy who was stoned beat up his wife” added Heuser, “and if they dare to drive they can never go faster than fifteen miles an hour!”

WORST JOB GROWTH IN TWO YEARS CALLED 'SLUGGISH'

FCC Chairman Powell unveils new logo

Press Plays Ball

Washington, WPI - Still fighting to garner favor with the FCC and overturn media ownership limits, newspapers around the country rallied to minimize the bad economic news about jobs released by the Labor Department on Friday.

The Associated Press, which writes a single story which is reprinted- word for word- by 99% of the nation’s newspapers, showed no alarm at the stunningly bad data. It downplayed the terrible statistics couching the facts in the distinctive passive/aggressive style the AP is noted for.

“WASHINGTON (AP) -- Job growth slowed nearly to a crawl in May, with new hiring registering the smallest gain in almost two years. [Bad News] The unemployment rate dipped to a low 5.1 percent, however. [Good News] The latest employment snapshot, released by the Labor Department on Friday, kept up the recent pattern of choppy job creation. [Downplay and Distract] Employers boosted payrolls by just 78,000 after a hiring spurt of 274,000 in April. [Good Spin on bad data, then old, but Positive News]”

The Gannett owned Rochester NY Democrat & Chronicle headlined the AP reprint, “Job Growth Sluggish.”

“Our editors have been working very hard during this administration to find balance in our reporting” said Gannett publisher Brent Deverity, “The public deserves the news but there is no good to be had from frightening them. We’re here to sell papers after all!” he added disarmingly.

Addressing the issue of media ownership rules still being negotiated by the FCC, Deverity minimized the conflict, “Naturally we would like to see all government regulation which impedes the free market removed. The Gannett Corporation believes in free enterprise. Don’t you?” he asked, turning the tables on the questioner.

In fact the Gannett Company stands to benefit mightily if the regulations are relaxed. The rules limit the number of radio/TV stations a newspaper publisher may own in a given market. Gannett publishes 102 daily newspapers in the United States, including USA Today, the largest-circulation daily in the US, and numerous radio and television stations.

Consumer groups oppose any FCC's plan to relax the rules, since it would increase the concentration of media ownership, giving a handful of large companies enormous power over print media and the airwaves, crushing competition and permitting only a single pro-corporate voice in most communities.

Presently, Gannett publishes local newspapers only in markets with no competition. Douglas McCorkindale, chief executive of Gannett Co., said, “We’re fair, we give people all the news they need. Look at USA Today, who could accuse us of failing in our responsibility to deliver news to the public?” He questioned.

“We have to answer to our investors as well. It certainly is not in their interests to act in ways which thwart our company’s growth. Criticizing the Bush administration doesn’t help that at a time when the F-E-D-E-R-A-L Communications Commission is offering us free rein.” He added.

Gannett, which is based in McLean, Va., earned $265.7 or $1.05 a share, versus $274.4 million or $1 per share a year ago. Gannett's revenues rose 3.6 percent to $1.79 billion. Newspaper advertising revenues rose 5.3 percent to $1.22 billion, but broadcasting revenues fell 2.9 percent to $164.6 million.

Art Tacill, president of the Allied Consumers Association, said, “Look at how Gannett covered the phoney reasons for invading Iraq. More responsible news agencies apologized for giving the Administration a free pass, but not Gannett. It’s pretty clear that they are offering a quid pro quo- we happy-spin your bad news, you give us regional monopolies.”

“Consolidation of the media will only improve our efficiencies in selling advertising and reporting the news. I want all our readers and investors to know that as we become more market-dominant news coverage in USA Today can only get better. 'Hegemony makes homogeny' we like to say!" assured Deverity.

CORRECTION

The picture shown yesterday of the US Chamber of Commerce cheering new SEC designee Christopher Cox was incorrect. The picture actually shows North Korean President Kim Dae-jung waving to a cheering crowd as Chairman Kim Jong-il watches in Pyongyang, June 13, 2000.
We apologize for any confusion.
Ed.

COX TELLS CHAMBER: ‘WE MUST BECOME CHINA’

Members of the US Chamber of Commerce cheer new SEC designee Christopher Cox

Washington, WPI - President Bush’s designee for Chairman of the Securities and Exchange Commission, California Rep. Christopher Cox, told the US Camber of Commerce today that America needs to look to China as, “the new business model of the future.”

Appearing just hours after the announcement of his nomination in the White House, Cox a renowned conservative and notorious friend of business, was greeted wildly by Chamber members, the country’s largest business organization. President of the Chamber Raite DiPrima called Cox’s appointment, “a gift from the business gods!” adding that, “every onerous government regulator, from OSHA to the EPA to Elliot Spitzer, should be quaking in their boots- there’s a new Sheriff in town and he’s one of us!” The comments were met with thunderous applause from the invitation-only exclusively corporate audience.

In naming Cox, President Bush said, ''I've given Chris a clear mission: to continue to strengthen the public trust in our markets so the American economy can continue to grow and create jobs,'' The President went on to note that the US now has the highest trade deficit in its history, has a debt to GNP of almost 6.6% the highest in history, a war which is costing the treasury 4 billion dollars a month and a tax to spending shortfall of nearly a trillion dollars. “Chris has a lot of work to do, and he is the man” Bush added.

The White House announcement came one day after William Donaldson, 74, said he would leave as head of the agency at the end of June. The agency, charged with protecting investors and defending the integrity of the securities markets, has come under increased scrutiny due to near continuos corporate scandals in recent years -- including Worldcom, Enron and Tyco –which rocked Wall Street and shook investors' confidence. Donaldson was brought on board to restore that confidence.

Cox, a conservative 16-year veteran of the House, would replace Donaldson, a Republican who turned out to be a firm regulator and often clashed with GOP business allies during his 2 1/2 years as director.

Business groups, including the US COC, which views nearly all SEC regulations as “overly burdensome” and want them watered down or repealed, welcomed Bush's pick. Advocates for individual investors feared that Cox might do just as big business hopes.

''Bill Donaldson set high standards for American business and the SEC,'' Bush read from his cards, noting that the agency filed more than 1,700 enforcement action's during Donaldson's tenure. ''Chris Cox is the right man to carry on this important work. Though I think we’ll see a big drop-off in those numbers!'' said the grinning President, clapping Cox on the back.

Cox’s comments on China, from a speech titled “Toward a New American Business Plan,” initially shocked the Chamber membership. By it’s end however they were cheering ecstatically.

Cox began by noting the huge and ever growing trade deficit the US has with China, “This is not going to get better anytime soon” he announced “and really, why should it? China has become the world’s manufacturer thanks in large part to people in this room. Prescient men and woman who saw, as far back as thirty years ago, that huge profits were to be found where there is an inexhaustible workforce, a near total absence of both investor and workplace regulation and no stifling environmental rules.”

Present were CEO’s from companies as diverse as Kodak, General Electric, Zenith, Ford Motor and others who have been in the forefront of moving manufacturing jobs to China.

“We must study the China model,” Cox continued “It is the future of America. While we do not have the same number of available workers, the President’s policies, combined with your corporate efforts, is working to create a vast pool of unemployed in the US. China has proven that people who are hungry are motivated workers; People who have lost their homes don’t join unions; People who can’t afford health insurance don’t fret workplace safety or the environment; People who see their kids living in poverty work overtime- without overtime pay!” he announced to raucous applause.

“China has succeeded because it is unencumbered. It has a government which is friendly to Free Enterprise. There are no strikes in China, there are no slowdowns in China, there are no walkouts in China. If you walk off your job in Beijing you can just keep walking- right into the Yangtze!” Cox declared to a standing ovation.

“It is time for America to see China with new eyes. These aren’t your father’s Commies anymore!” he said to general laughter. “China today is a unique governmental/economic hybrid. It is clearly a capitalist nation but it is managed the ‘good old-fashioned way, with firm disipline..’ There are no ‘spoiled children’ in the workforce; There is no ‘Political Correctness’ involved in manufacturing; There are no whining mothers complaining about their husband’s safety, the air or water and certainly NOT about day care!” Cox shouted above the cheers.

“China is both a vision of the future and of the past” he continued, “of America’s past. There was a time, in the 1930's to be exact, when America was a lot like the China of today. Worker’s didn’t ‘demand’ anything! Workers worked! If they set their shovel down to wipe their brow, boom, they were gone. Because right behind that slacker were four or five other men, hungry for a paycheck. Back then government knew its place. It stayed out of the American corporate boardroom. It stayed the hell out of business altogether except when workers tried to challenge the authority of capital, then it responded with police clubs and guns to restore order and harmony. Back then government didn’t encumber production with overbearing safety rules or costly environmental regulations, back then America believed in letting the market settle those issues. That is the China of today and it is the model for the America of tomorrow!” he concluded.

The reaction from Chamber members was immediate and unanimous. Biorn Riche, CEO of a America’s only remaining die-making company said, “This man has real vision. I just wish Bush had acted sooner- considering all the money we showered on him.”

“Where has this guy been?” asked an incredulous Terry Nize owner of the nations largest office temp agency. “This is vision. I hope he runs for president!”

Caine Chokverker, Human Relations attorney for Wal-Mart said, “I was stunned by the comparison between America’s not-too-distant past and contemporary China. I see now that the practices of the Chinese government, while they may strike us as totalitarian occasionally really are the same as America’s just a few generations ago. In that context, a strong federal government is really not such a bad thing- I mean as long as it serves the market.”

“This is fantastic!” gushed Sy Annilye, Account Executive at GBMV/FDTZ the global public relations and advertising conglomerate which handles the Chamber of Commerce account. “Honest to God, I can sell this! Look, we convinced ordinary Americans that the ‘Free Market’ is equivalent to both evolution and religion right?” said the flamboyant executive, “Now we can sell them on the idea that unemployment, removal of safety and environmental rules and the eradication of organized labor are simply ‘American Traditions!’ When we’re done, the public will think it’s patriotic to lose their job and end up in poverty working for Wal-Mart! They’ll thank us for it! I know I can sell this. We’ll just have to drop the standard ‘unions-equal-communism’ link, the model is China after all!”

In a related story, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld warned China that their arms build-up along the border with Taiwan looked a lot like the Spanish-American War scenario.

'DEEP THROAT' CONTROVERSY ERUPTS

Linda Lovelace: Use of title headed to court


NY , WPI - The family of ex-porn star and evangelical Linda Marchiano, aka Linda Lovelace, today filed suit in Manhattan charging trademark infringement against Watergate informant Mark Felt, 91, of Santa Rosa Ca.

Guy Marchiano, last husband of the actress, claimed that the moniker “Deep Throat” rightly belonged to his wife and her heirs and the use of it now by Mr. Felt for profit, “egregiously harms the memory of Mrs. Marchiano and damages her heirs ability to continue to profit from her on-going celebrity.”

In a statement Mr. Marchiano said, “God has blessed me and my family with some notoriety. The power of our Savior, Jesus Christ, enabled my wife to abandon her evil lustful ways and enter finally into God’s eternal reward. However much we want to change the past we cannot. Linda never profited from that film except for the celebrity. We have only barely gotten by selling memorabilia and autographed pictures. This traitorous man has finally revealed himself and seeks to steal my departed wife’s fame. ‘Deep Throat’ belongs to the Marchiano’s, nobody else.”

Family attorney Richard Gulph said, “First we want a gag order. We insist that Mr. Felt, the Felt family, Vanity Fair magazine and the press cease referring to him as ‘Deep Throat.’ This is a use mark associated with the late Mrs. Marchiano for decades- long before the yesterday’s events.”

Gulph added that the family will seek damages as well as, “a share in all books, articles, movies, etc., which Mr. Felt might exploit.”

Family friend and spokesman Sal Walloe of Sayville, NY where Mrs. Marchiano lived said, “Linda was a leader. She taught the world something. She earned her fame the hard way, what’d this bum ever do?”