Congress to Probe Steroid Use Among Evangelicals

Senate Majority Leader Frist adresses the volks

WASHINGTON (WPI) - The U.S. congressional committee holding hearings on the use of steroids in major league sports announced today it will meet next week on efforts to curb the use of performance-enhancing drugs among the Christian Right.

The House of Representatives Government Reform Committee said that those invited to testify so far include: Tony Perkins of the Family Research Council; James Dobson, founder of Focus on the Family; and the Rev. Jerry Fallwell, Faux Leader of the Moral Majority.

The panel has already heard from some of the biggest names in Major League Baseball, the NFL and the NBA. A spokesperson for the committee said those sought from the Christian Right were expected to show up for the hearing’s without the need for a subpoena.

"I don't know how the public feels about it, but I think the committee members are pretty united on this. It's a huge issue, and it needs to be taken care of," chairman Tom Davis, R-Va., said in a statement.

“According to Gallup polls there are only about 30 million people who describe themselves as ‘Evangelical” or ‘born again’ yet they behave as if they are bigger, better, holier and more righteous then the rest of us. There is obviously a problem.”

Worried that steroid use among conservative Christians encourages liberal, Jewish and agnostic youths to try the drugs, the committee is examining the need for testing policies throughout the bible-belt.

"How is the average American supposed to look at the aggression, hostility and monumental self righteousness of today's fundamentalist Christian leaders and not conclude that they might be taking performance-enhancing drugs?" Davis asked.

Ralph Reed, representing an alliance of quasi fascist Religious groups, told a hastily assembled press conference, “We will cooperate fully with any investigation. It is God's will which is powering our unstoppable mission.”

Reed, in Louisville Kentucky for the “Justice Sunday” telecast, added, “We are bigger, stronger, faster and more sactified then other feeble doctrines. Jesus has provided, through His almighty powers of pharmacology, the remedies to empower us to choke the life out of heathen liberals. We shall fracture and gash the godless Bill of Rights and stomp Labor into a writhing, bloody mush.

The Reverend Jerry Fallwell was scheduled to join Reed at the press conference but was suddenly hospitalized last night. Said hospital spokesperson, Anesha Shareed, “All I can tell you is that his balls exploded.”

Bio-Engineered Chicken Displayed

Geneticly designed chicken

Los Angeles, WPI- The Association of Asian Restaurants today showed the results of a seven year project to produce a more flavorful and economical cooking fowl. Named the “Chinese Chicken” the skinless animal is the result of a collaboration between chemical giant Monsanto and La Choy companies.

“This is an important breakthrough,“ said Ballou Kafir, chief genetic engineer on the project. “Our goal was to ‘imagineeer’ a tasty poultry product that was easy to process, meaty and delicious, ” he added. “We think we’ve done that.”

The animal, weighing about seven pounds, is unusual for a bird. It is wingless, featherless and has ears, claws and four legs. “Preserving appearance was not an important priority when we commenced the design process,” commented Ying Chou Lo of the Resturant Association. "Our objective was an efficient, manageable chicken-type creature which would blend precisely with traditional Chinese recipes."

On hand at the announcement were numerous classic Chinese dishes prepared for sampling by the press. “Ummm, it’s delicious!” testified AP reporter Lou Phelps. “It tastes just like chicken!”

After Arrest Wendy’s Want Customers Back

Body Parts Store

San Jose, 4/25/05- Anna Ayala has been charged with attempted grand larceny after she claimed she bit down a human finger while eating chili in a Wendy’s restaurant here on March 22. After Ayala’s claim, sales dropped in the fast food emporiums across Northern California creating layoffs and reduced hours for workers. According to the felony complaint filed against her, losses to Wendy's in the Bay area are estimated at $2.5 million.

It now turns out that Ayala has a history of bringing claims against big corporations. She was arrested Thursday at her suburban Las Vegas home. She is scheduled to appear in court Tuesday.

San Jose police called Ayala's claim a scam and refused to say where the finger originated or exactly how the hoax was carried out. Said San Jose Police Chief Rob Davis, “I’ll bet there’s some desperate schmuck, up to his eyeballs in gambling debts, sitting in a motel someplace in Vegas with his finger all wrapped up.”
"Our evidence suggests the truest victims in this case are indeed the Wendy's owners, operators and employees here in San Jose," said the ample, sycophantic Davis, a regular Wendy’s customer, on Friday.

"It's been really tough," said Joseph Desmond, owner of the victimized Wendy's franchise. "My thanks also go out to all the little people who were hurt. They lost a lot of wages because we had to cut back. Naturally, I am happy about the reduced overhead, but not the loss of sales." Desmond told the San Jose Star Tribune that he earns more than a million dollars annually from the store. “I wish I didn’t have to make the layoffs, but I have myself, the sole shareholder, to answer to,” he said.

Despite the horror and loss of appetite suffered by residents throughout the region, numerous loyal customers continued to visit and even eat at the Wendy's where Ayala made her claim.

On Friday, “Crazy” Chuck McGill charged into the restaurant and ordered two bowls of chili to go plus a baked potato topped with chili, a frosty and fries with chili.

"If my wife Betty and the other people working back there have all their fingers, then it don’t bother me. Besides, you know any of the other crap they put in hamburgers?” he asked laughing toothlessly.

“Hell yeah,” added eavesdropping Red Ruffalo, another regular patron. “I used to work in a meat packing plant,” he went on, “You ever seen a cow sphincter? It’s as big as your head, and twice as hairy! And that ain’t the half of it!”

Added the backslapping McGill, “A human finger, even a human pecker, is probably better than most of the crap in them burgers!”

Bush “Socialist” Complains Crown Price

Crown Princes in drag

CRAWFORD, Texas (WPI) – Crown Prince Abdullah of Saudi Arabia called President Bush a “Socialist with an anticapitalist agenda aimed at controling the worlds’s oil.” The harsh words came at the end of the Prince’s visit to the President’s Texas home this weekend.

Saudi Arabia is the world's top oil exporter and leading member of the Organization of Petroleum Exporting Countries. Crown Prince Abdullah, the head of the royal family, is the top monarch of the fundamentalist Islamic nation. Nineteen of the 9/11 terrorists came from Saudi Arabia and vast amounts of funding for Al Queda have been traced back to the Saudis.

“None of that matters.” Bush asserted when he received the Prince at the Crawford ranch on Saturday. “We are both oil-men, our families have strong ties. Men know how to talk to men. Oil talks to oil,” said the president, apparently straying from prepared comments.

Crude prices have hit more than $55 dollars a barrel recently and the price of a gallon of gas in the US averages $2.37.

Vice President Dick Cheney met with the oil-rich kingdom's prince Sunday in Dallas. Cheney, a former “wild-catter” and president of Halliburton, the petroleum/mercenary company which has received more then eighty million dollars from the Defense Department since the start of the war in Iraq, has acknowledged that gas prices could pose a political problem for the president. “I explained that we need to keep prices at around $46 dollars a barrel,” he said in a statement. Oil analysts describe that figure as “sufficient to make it profitable to pump watered down Texas crude.”

Ironically, oil industry analysts point to the war in Iraq as the main reason for high oil prices. Woodrow Pelmare of Goldman, Sachs said, “The equation is pretty simple. Iraq has the world’s second largest oil fields. They used to be the third largest producer. Now the country pumps two per-cent of its capacity. In addition, the armed forces are gobbling up every one’s oil reserves. It’s not hard to see why the price of gas has risen in the US.” He added, “Increasing Saudi output won’t do anything. It’s just showboating.”

A Gallup Poll released Sunday showed Americans equally split on Bush's job performance. 50% said he was helping his friends in the Texas oil business, the other 50% said he was helping his friend, the Crown Prince.

Bush called for Saudi Arabia to increase production, “I’ve been over the numbers a million times,” said Bush. “I know my good friend can push that output up a little. Every dime gas goes up at the pump, it equals 10,000 votes I lose at home.”

The Crown Prince responded, “We fear instability in our country. If the unimaginable cash flows we enjoy drop, even by a tiny amount, our gradual move toward democracy may be seriously harmed! Global terrorism may be right around the corner!”

“Our jack-booted monarchy is now endeavoring to embrace steps allowing us to move in a gradual direction toward the leisurely adoption of a democracy-like political-organizational structure.” The Prince went on.

“These crazy socialist ideas of the President’s, that any government should interfere in the free market, well, that could slow our progress for decades.” he warned.

Bush rebutted, "I think they're near capacity, (pumping crude) and so we've just got ... to get a straight answer from the government as to what they think their excess capacity is." He added, "I will be talking to our friends to make sure if they pinch the economy too much, it will affect their ability to sell crude oil in the long run."

“‘Get a straight answer from the government!?’ Look who’s talking!!” the Prince replied laughing. The two men then embraced and left the podium arm in arm for a beef barbeque Bush was cooking on his gas grill.
**********************************************************************
To
Retired American Cleric:

Regarding The Parable of the Talents

The story does not mean what you think. It is a fraud, rewritten by Roman money changers. The story never used the word, “talents,” it was always money. The original Matthew Parable went this way: the slaves combined all the money the Master gave them. They used it to buy new documents and weapons. When the slave-owner returned, the slaves killed him and took all of his property. Slavery is wrong. Asking someone to work for free is wrong. Casting a person with limitations or disabilities, “into the outer darkness, where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth.' is sick. The parable tells of the righteousness of the working class to over throw the hegemony of the unmerited privileged class.

This is why the money changers altered the story. Jesus would NEVER have supported it the way Capitalists changed it!
DoC

Rumsfeld Shows Abu Ghraib Music Video

Secretary of Defence Rumsfeld with Dolly Parton

Nashville, 4/22/05- In celebration of another stunning escape from responsibility, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld yesterday unveiled a music video named, “Abu Ghraib Your Ass,” at the Grand Old Opry.

Called up by host Dolly Parton, Rumsfeld bounded on stage to hoots and applause from the carefully chosen and supportive pretend audience. One day after the Secretary cunningly manipulated the dismissal of charges against Lt. Gen. Ricardo Sanchez and his top deputies during the period of the prisoner abuse in the fall of 2003, he appeared in a mood to celebrate.

Despite two previous investigations which found Sanchez and his staff negligent, the Army's Inspector General, Lt. Gen. Stanley E. Green, concluded that the allegations were, “unsubstantiated.”

“I couldn’t be more delighted!” the beaming Rumsfeld told the crowd. “This means we have effectively concluded the investigation. It will never go any higher!” crowed the Secretary, as he danced a little jig.

Despite a long military tradition of putting responsibility on commanding officers when troops under their command commit atrocities, the practice was deserted in this matter. The Army and Defence Department wanted, “a line in the sand,” said Gen. Green. “We need to establish a perimeter where accountability terminates. We must be certain no innocent civilians are harmed in this process.”

The music video, a frenetic montage of scenes from the prison intercut with cheering soldiers and exploding cruise missiles, lasted about four minutes. The lyrics were written by neo-con music idol Ted Nugent. The music was composed and recorded by, “The Deadly Rust-Pickers,” members of the Marine Marching Band who sideline as C&W rockers.

The record and video will be released Monday to country stations. Cost of the production was not revealed, however the sponsor is reported to be the Halliburton Corporation.

Some lyrics included:

Shock and Awe that’s our way’
If you’re agin us you gonna pay.
We pick you up, don’t give no sass
You won’t like me to Abu Ghraib Your Ass

Abu Ghraib Your Ass
Abu Ghraib Your Ass
Sit down sand n-gger,
Don’t give me no sass

Bush Pushes Environmental “Everything Is Beautiful Act”

4/22/05. Knoxville-President Bush today celebrated “Earth Day” by visiting an airport near America’s most polluted National Park. He used the opportunity to urge Congress to pass his top environmental bill, the “Everything Is Beautiful” act.

“God gave us this beautiful world and all the things in it,” he espoused. “It’s right there in the Bible, ya’ll look it up!” the President urged to steady applause from the hand picked campaign workers, airport employees, cops and soldiers ordered into attendance. Though the crowd was small the clapping reverberated off the hard metal walls of the hangar.

The threat of light rain caused Bush to cancel a trip into the Park. Instead he spoke at a podium while Air Force One revved it’s engines impatiently nearby.

“The Almighty blessed America and Americans with more natural resources then anywhere else," Bush said. "He instructed us to, 'Go forth and propagate!' Ya’ll know what that means?" a few muttered “no’s" rose from the assemble. “That means we must go forth and take what we need from the earth. Take it, use it! God has told us, ‘I will provide for you,’ who are we to doubt the word of the Lord?” Bush preached to the hooting, supportive congregation.

Beside Bush stood Stephan Johnson Bush’s selection to lead the Environmental Protection Agency. Johnson appointment is being held up due to congressional objections to the “Everything Is Beautiful” act.

Opponents to the bill call it a “disaster,” a “nightmare,” some have labeled it, “Environmental Armageddon.” The bill would open up Federal forests to unlimited logging, with no replanting obligation; it opens all of the US coastline, including the fragile ecosystems of Alaska, Florida, Louisiana and New England to unrestricted oil drilling; it rolls back air and water pollution standards below their 1960 limits and removes all deadlines for industry to improve their polluting.

“I am not afraid,” said the President grinning. “Look at me, do I look afraid? I am not going to die from helping business, business is what creates JOBS, “ he hissed in a staged, theatrical manner. “Hear me people: Business creates jobs. Ya’ll want jobs don’t ya? Ya’ll want work, right?” A smattering of applause went up from the cold, confused crowd.

“These people..these eco-terrorists, as my friend Rush calls ‘em. They’re just wrong. God will provide. He always has. Who are we to question his wisdom?” the President asked with a big smile.”

Critics fear that the unilateral roll back of pollution standards will irreversibly effect not only the US but Canada as well. They also worry that the US will be providing a model for other unscrupulous industrialized nations to repeal their own standards.

“Lookit,” Bush continued, “God made the earth right? He didn’t make ‘scientists’,” the President making air quotes, “they come from man. These guys go out get a liberal education and become so-called experts. But who really knows!? Who besides them can understand all that scientific lingo, all that crazy jargon. We are just simple people, am I right?” Bush asked soliciting a muted applause. “God made the earth. God made America. He made the Constitution and gave us freedom. Who are these liberal educated woman and men to challenge the wisdom of God?” Bush went on, in an apparent hurry to finish.

“This law that me and my friends in industry have written will make America a better country, a stronger nation, a safer place!” The President urged the crowd. “Ya’ll want a better, stronger, safer America, don’t ya?” The crowd reacted with it’s most energetic applause. However an Air Force technician in the back of the hangar appeared to be adjusting the volume on a separate PA system.

“Let me just say this before I leave your beautiful state,” Bush said leaning forward to seem more intimate with the crowd, “Everything will be fine. God loves you. I love you. I won’t let anything bad happen to you. Business is a good thing. God and I will provide. We will take care of the environment. Don’t ya’ll worry about a thing!” Waving, the President was rushed from the podium and scrambled into his giant Boeing 757 aircraft.

Mr Bush was flying to his Texas ranch to spend the weekend preparing for meetings with Crown Prince Abdullah of Saudi Arabia . Both men are oil magnates and their families are close friends and business associates. According to Scott McAllen, White House press Secretary, Mr Bush was compelled to fly to Texas and back for the weekend, “So he will be fresh and relaxed for his meeting with the Crown Prince.”

Bolton: I’ll Beat The Crap Out of Powell!

Washinton, 4/21/05- John R. Bolton, Bush candidate for US Ambassador to the United Nations was overheard promising to, “beat the crap out of that punk Powell!” Bolton, with two frightened aids, stormed out of the Executive Office Building today around noon. The outburst was in apparent response to the news that former Secretary of State Colin Powell had expressed reservations about Bolton’s qualifications.

It has been widely reported that Powell had spoken with two Republican members of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee charged with approving the nomination. Powell told Senators Lincoln Chafee of Rhode Island and Chuck Hagel of Nebraska that he was disturbed by the way that Mr. Bolton had treated an intelligence analyst and others who disagreed with him at the at the State Department.

Two close associates of Mr. Powell, privy to the conversations with the Senators said, “Bolton's a bully, a loudmouth psycho. He acts like a movie star, you know, 'fire the caterer!’” The other associate added, “He once bitch-slapped a clerk who said he couldn’t work late because of a family problem. It was General Patton all over again. The guy is a nut-job. That’s why the General decided to speak out. The Senators need to know the man is a violent fascist.”

“Just the way Cheney likes ‘em!” added the first associate.

Witnesses to the outburst varied on what exactly was said. “I heard him say he was going to 'beat the shit out of Powell.'” Another witness, further away, thought he said “‘snot’ or ‘crap’.” Both agree however that Bolton pointed at the sky, looked up and shouted, “As God is my witness, I am gonna stomp his shiny black ass!”

An aid to Mr Bolton did not know where the group was heading when it left the building but added, “I think they were going over to pick up Gordon Liddy.”

HUNS SACK ROME!

Vatican City, 4/19/05, O'Clarrity filing: "Sieg Hail! Sieg Hail! Sieg Hail!" the chant went up from the thousands gathered in Vatican Square today as Cardinal, and former Hitler Youth, Joseph Ratzinger was elected Pope Benedict XVI.

Also know as Cardinal Rat and the "Panzerkardinal" Papa Joe’s PR handlers have worked diligently to distant the new Pope from his fascist heritage. Disdaining the sin of pride, Ratzinger has had numerous books written about his humble self. In his exalted autobiography, Milestone: Memoirs: 1927-1977, (one of ten books the shy Pope has written!), he says, that he served in the Hitler Youth, a paramilitary organization of the Nazi Party, during World War II when membership "was compulsory."

In another unpretentious book, the “authorized” biography , Cardinal Ratzinger: The Vatican's Enforcer of the Faith, commissioned author John L. Allen Jr., a “Vatican expert,” states, “Neither Ratzinger nor any member of his family was a National Socialist! Ratzinger was never a member of the Nazi party!” He and his family opposed Adolf Hitler's regime, his numerous biographers have claimed. No evidence of such opposition is available. Much like the claims of several million other Germans from the period.

He was Hitler Youth, but "not in the Party.”

Ratzinger was known as John Paul's "enforcer" on matters of orthodoxy. “Only acting on orders” earned him the nicknames, “The Polski Gruppenfuerer,” “Riechsmarshal Rat”, as well as the popular, “Bishop Blitzkrieg." He was, and soon will be even more so, a polarizing figure. Most progressive Catholics see him as an ideologue who tyrannized anybody who deviated from his vision of Catholicism

He became Chancellor of the Doctrine Office (formerly known as Sacred Congregation for the Universal Inquisition) in the infamous Wine Cellar Putsch of November 8, 1973. Ratzinger used his new powers to persecute liberal professors who challenged church teachings on such burning issues as papal infallibility, the immorality of artificial birth control, and the color of angel wings. Though not yet Pope, he used his authority to confiscate the academic positions and university property of those he blamed for “the problems of Father Church!”

He also launched a crack-down on believers of liberation theology, the contentious campaign for social-justice advanced by Latin American clergy in the 1970s. Although there was never a connection between Liberation Theology and Marxism, Ratzinger vowed to exterminate liberationism's suggestion of a class war being waged against the poor. He issued the infamous Gleichschaltung Doctrine ordering Priests, nuns and bishops to stay out of politics or be sent for theological rehabilitation in religious work-programs in Poland.

All this was done as John Paul was employing every tool in the Church arsenal to overthrow communism in Poland.

In his autobiography, Ratzinger depicted Nazis as "fanatical ideologues who tyrannized us without respite." His biographer Allen wrote, "Having seen fascism in action, Ratzinger today believes the best antidote to political totalitarianism is ecclesiastical totalitarianism.”

“You can take the boy out of National Socialism...,” shrugged disgruntled Cardinal Fortunato, another more progressive candidate for the papal seat. “God help us.”
**********************************
Also read the David O'Reilly story at Knight Ridder Newspapers: http://www.realcities.com/mld/krwashington/11435865.htm
**********************************

Shiite Clerics Join Call for US Judicial Reform

Bagdad, 4/18: The largest group of Iraqi Shiite Clerics today joined Republican Tom Delay in a call for judical reform in America. The call came at a rally, organized by the radical cleric Moktada Sadr and believed to be the largest demonstration since US troops entered the country.

“O God, cut off their necks, the way they are cutting off our necks and terrorizing us”, Sadr’s representative Sheikh Nasir Saïdi, reading a speech from his chief. “There will be no peace, no security, until the judges stop terrorizing the people!”

Iraqi flags fluttered in the sea of demonstrators, many of whom were dressed in the uniform of Sadr’s Mahdi Army militia. More still wore green and black headbands, the new American symbol of the “Judicial War Against Faith.”

Sadr followers said the rally was the first of many to pressure the American Congress to enact sweeping changes stripping the power of judges to determine the constitutionality of legislation. “The people elect their representatives, not judges,” Sadr wrote. “It is the will of the congress that judges must obey. There can be no ‘balance of powers’ when judges disregard the intent of legislation.”

Sadr was parroting Aman Delay, as he is called, who has claimed that the judicial branch of government should not have its balancing powers to determine if legislation is constitutional. “These SOB’s in their black robes have been terrorizing Americans for generations, just go back and see what they did with Jim Crow, I won’t even go near Roe v. Wade!” Delay blazed recently at an outdoor rally in Mississippi, later rebroadcast in Iran. Many at the rally were dressed in white robes and faceless pointy hats, the uniform of Delay's Republican "Judicial War Against Faith” militia.

"Judges are mostly lawyers anyway, so I rest my case!” Delay concluded to thunderous applause.

Pataki Will Not Run, "I want to be with Bob!"

Albany, 4/14/05, WPI- NYS Gov. George Pataki announced that he will not seek reelection in November so that, “Bob and I might spend our twilight years together, out of the public eye.” Pataki was referring to his close companion, Robert “Bob” King, former State University of New York Chancellor.

It had long been rumored that the relationship between the governor and King ran deep. Taxpayers and political opponents often pointed out that King was handed high paying, low demand jobs for which he was highly unqualified. King was SUNY chancellor for five years, went belly-up as an attorney and sucked as Monroe County executive. However, he was a former “colleague” of Pataki in the state Assembly. King was criticized for his lack of a doctoral degree and academic experience when he was appointed by Pataki, in 1999, to the $250,000-a-year job. The job included little perks such as a $90,000 annual housing allowance and a chauffeur-driven car. The two men were often seen cruising in the limo drinking champagne.

The latest controversy involves a proposal for SUNY to give King a $206,000-a-year “professorship” as part of his severance plan! If granted, he'll join seven other previous administrators who have collected more than $1 million by being given the system's highest rank of "university professor." King’s qualifications: He taught business law at St. John Fisher College for a little while and “trial tactics” at a Texas school for district attorneys. Not a college or anything, a “school for district attorneys.”

Pataki appealed to the SUNY board of trustees, which he appointed, “Both Bob and I have our pensions, but we have our eye on a beautiful Bed and Breakfast on Fire Island. We plan to buy it and fix it up.” The governor added, “It’s been our dream for decades,”

Some people, including about 25 million NY taxpayers, see the appointment as a political and personal gift of little benefit to SUNY, and at their expense.

Pataki responded to these criticisms saying, “If you only knew Bob like I do. He is such a wonderful man, and a really great lay, if you only knew, you wouldn’t quibble!”

Rush Limbaugh Enters Psychiatric Hospital

Maimi, 04/13/05, WPI- Fundamentalist radio personality Rush Limbaugh was admitted to Roosevelt Psychiatric Hospital today, it was reported by the Dade County Tribune. Limbaugh was taken to the hospital by ambulance. A spokesman there refused comment citing the HIPPA privacy law, an set of mind-boggling federal regulations fervently supported by Limbaugh himself. The spokesman did say that Limbaugh appeared exhausted and was babbling at admission.

World Press International has learned that Limbaugh has recently been treated for obsessive/compulsive disorder. WPI’s consultant, Dr. Seymour Harrors of White Plains Psychiatric Hospital, said, “It seems Limbaugh is suffering from Compulsive Whining Disorder. This is a fairly rare condition but common to certain professions.” Dr. Harrors continued, “What happens, in simple terms, is that the patient exhausts their catalogue of important ideas to comment on but is still consumed with the act of complaining that their personality drowns in a pool of self-parodying whining. In essence, they bitch obsessivly about nothing.”

WPI asked Dr. Harrors to examine several recent transcripts of the Rush Limbaugh Show to see if there were any telltale signs of the disease. “Oh my, yes. Look here, on Tuesday last he spent a half an hour prattling on about a 'liberal cop' who gave him a parking ticket. Later he ranted for an hour about a library that charged him for returning a book late. On the Monday before, Limbaugh spent almost three hours lecturing America on the failure of welfare recipients to invest in the stock market!”

Close friends of the fascist pundit have been worried about him for some time. “Bob,” a friend for twenty years who wished to remain anonymous said, “My gosh look at his problems! He has a conservative President, Republicans control both houses of congress, he got the war in Iraq, the Supreme Court is conservative- Rush is suffering from an embarrassment of riches! The guy is a muti-millionaire, he could by the Vatican if he wanted to, but his job is to act like a helpless middle class jerk who can never get a break. All he does is complain about meaningless crap- it must be very hard on him.”

Another long time friend, Steve Adoore who was Rush’s producer for many years agrees, “The entire country is conservative! But Rush has to pretend that he and his listeners are this little group of persecuted outsiders who nobody respects. It’s 'Curmudgen Radio,' but the problem is, they seem to be the majority of voters and they have everything they want!.” He added, “I told Rush years ago, after W was elected, give it up, go spend your money, relax- you won!’ But he just couldn’t do it. He’s caught up in the whole persona. Like anyone could believe in, ‘Poor Picked-on Rush!’”

Dr. Harrors stated that other psychological factors may be involved, "Mr. Limbaugh might be strung out again or, judging from his press picture, suffering from homosexual panic.” He predicted that Mr. Limbaugh will likely recover, with intensive therapy, in about 3 to 6 months. “That doesn’t mean he’ll stop being a boring asshole though,” he added.

Bush, Rumsfeld: "Iraq Entering New Phase of Propaganda War"

In a coordinated effort, reminiscent of the powerful “Shock and Awe” invasion of Iraq itself, President Bush, supported by Secretary of Defence Donald Rumsfeld, launched a powerful new assault in the American Propaganda War.

The new stage of the war began on Sunday with “softening up” strikes led by various administration SEALS (Silence Every Alternate Legitimate Sentiment.) These offensives targeted powerful media bases such as Tim Russert, CNN and Face the Nation. Bush and Rumsfeld made coordinated daylight attacks simultaneously in Iraq and Texas today.

The new campaign named Operation "Cloud the Truth,” began at dawn in Iraq. Rumsfeld, leading in a helicopter, dropped down into a highly vetted group of hand picked troops. The ensuing “'town-hall like meeting'
went off like clockwork,” reported spokesman Brit Hume. “ The awesome power that the Secretary brought to bear was truly humbling!” the ordinarily austere Hume gushed.

Rumsfeld began the battle by blasting at the newly formed national government, “Even though I completely f–ked up when we banished the Republican Guard from the Iraqi security forces, we have turned that around 180 degrees!” he thundered. “Now that we have secretly recruited most of Saddam’s loyal supporters back into the 'New Iraqi Army' I warn you, democratically elected civilians leaders, 'Do not to purge them like we did!'” The rounds of applause from the all volunteer, carefully vetted troops was deafening. Every soldier here had transferred from other more dangerous or mundane duties to be at the front lines of this campaign. Brown, Black, male, female and even several Whites had rallied to reenforce this important new stage of the war. These troopers, many of them suddenly eligible for surprisingly important medals, were all individually selected to appear. Some, though not medal recipients, had volunteered for propaganda duty immediately upon receipt of their $15,000 re-enlistment check.

The turning point of the offensive came when “Rummy,” as he is affectionately known to the troops, was presented with an engraved souvenir: The armor vest plate a soldier was wearing which had stopped a sniper's bullet. This remarkably spontaneous, unrehearsed event was a counterpoint to the Secretary’s last visit. Then, an ungrateful un-vetted dogface complained directly and bitterly that Rummy's failure to provide armor to the troops was killing them. The unpremeditated serendipity of today’s event sent these carefully chosen troops into paroxysms of worshipful adulation for their beloved leader.

Meanwhile in Texas, President Bush, sacrificing all personal comfort to travel several dangerous miles from his ranch, spoke to a thrilled, captive audience of 25,000 soldiers confined to Camp Hood. Bush, with no hint of the hyperbola he naturally felt, declared that, “the end of Saddam Hussein's regime two years ago heralded a global democratic revolution!” While not offering any evidence, he went on to tell the troops, "As the Iraq (sic) democracy succeeds, that success is sending a message from Beirut to Tehran that freedom can be the future of every nation!"

Despite the fact that 36 Americans have been killed in Iraq this month, and that “insurgent” attacks average about 40 every day, Bush and Rummy claimed progress. Bush said Iraqis now had confidence that their own security forces could protect them. About 140,000 US troops remain in Iraq, while Iraq's security forces number 150,000, the president said, offering no evidence or means to confirm.

At the end of the day, most notable, non-political pundits such as the Fox New’s Hanity & Colms and Bill O’Rielly were hailing this new chapter in the Propaganda War as, “an overwhelming success!” And later, a roadside explosion killed 12 Iraqi Policemen.

Law's Pope List Revealed

Vatican, April 11- A private memo, drawn up by disgraced American Cardinal Bernard Law, reveals a short but shocking list of critera he believes the next Pope must have.

Bush: ‘Culture of Life’ to Blame For Oil Prices

Washington, April 10, 2005- President Bush today cited the American “Culture of Life” for record oil prices. Crude prices have reached more than $60 a barrel in recent weeks hitting their highest levels ever. The president, crossing the White House lawn to board a gigantic helicopter which would take him to Air Force One, a huge 757 that would ferry him to his air conditioned home in west Texas, was asked by a reporter from the World News Press, “Mr President, you, your whole family and all your friends are oilmen, what’s causing the incredible spike in the price of crude?” Bush, buoyant from his Vatican trip, strode over to the press gathered to record this historic flight (every vacation the President takes now sets a new record for a sitting Chief Executive of the United States.)

Bush replied, flashing the sarcastic insincere smile known as his "media face," “Why, why...just look around...we live in the greatest country on earth!” Bush enthusied. Gesturing around the White House property he said, “Who else has stuff like this? I just came back from Italy..." he paused, straining for words, "those people... that place...” He stopped and shook his head, “Have you all ever been there? Bush stepped closer to the press corp, smiling again, "Look, here in America...we love life! We...we... like things, we like stuff...ya see?”

Lookit,” he continued, “Americans like their All-Terrain veehicals, they like their snowmobiles, they like their jet-skis, ya know...we like our big ole’ SUV’s and dirt bikes and off-roaders...we like to drive around, drink beer, go to barbecues...that’s life... that’s living...ya get what I’m sayin’? The stuff we like to do...well, it uses oil, but that’s ok. That’s our Culture of Life, see?”

The President then grinned his triumphant smile, waved and jogged back to the idling chopper.

Bowles A No-Blow

London, April 9-Andrew Parker Bowles, ex husband of Camilla Parker Bowles, was relieved of his obligation to perform fellatio on England’s Prince Charles at his former wife’s wedding reception. The obligation stemmed from a conversation between the Prince and Bowles which took place in the Cock and Donkey Pub in Hammersmith in 1997.

According to Bowles he was, “a bit into my cups. Chuck had come to ask me if I would make a stink if he asked Camilla to marry him.”

The meeting took place two months before Princess Diana died tragically in an auto crash.

Bowles continued, “ Cammy and I had split up the year before. My drinking and gambling led to it I suppose, but I knew she was shagging Chuck too, so it wasn’t all my fault.” he said, blowing out a large boozy blue cloud of cigar smoke.

“Like I say, I was a few sheets to the wind. Chuck says,’What would you do if I married Camilla,’ and I look at him, I thought my eyes would pop out me head, I said,’My good boy, if you would take that bitch off my hands I’ll get down on my knees and blow you! Right there on the dance floor at the reception- in front of everybody!” Bowles, teary eyed with mirth and relief, continued,”Chuck puts on that tight lipped ‘I smell shit’ smile of his and says,’You promise?’ and I sticks out me hand and we shake on it.”

Coughing with laughter Bowles composed himself to continue, “I never gave it a second thought ‘till the rehearsal dinner ta other night. I’m walkin out and Chuck comes up to me, we’re alone, and he says, ‘Remember your promise?’ What? I says. ‘to blow me’ he says. Yeah, what of it, I says. ‘After the wedding, you meet me in the men’s room at the Guidhall. The last stall. I’m collecting.’ Well, you coulda knocked me over with a shot glass. I stares at him. He smiles that sour grin back and asks me if I a welcher! I bet, I’ll pay, I says!” he blustered, shaking his badly toupeed head.

Bowels paused to refill his champagne glass then continued, “So after the wedding I’m going through the line and Chuck pulls me in close and whispers in my ear. He says, ‘Your off the hook old chum. Cammy has agreed to pay the debt for you!’ Then he pushes me back, gives me a real smile this time and sends me down the line. I honestly don’t even remember what happened after that, but I did give Cammy a big wet kiss and a squeeze on the arse!”

Bowles drained his glass and called for a refill, “I was so goddamned happy I let out a whoop! I thought I hada blow the freakin Prince of Wales- an... and...I don’t even like the fukin’ Welsh! “ he cried out, slapping this reporter heartily on the shoulders.

Papal Stocks Crash

VATICAN (WNI) - Papal Holdings Inc. (NYSE:F - news) on Friday slashed its earnings forecast for 2005 and cautioned that it no longer expects to hit its 2006 profit goal. The international company, which has major manufacturing holdings in red and purple fabrics, incense, gold processing, wineries, bakeries, relics, tourism, dispensations, convents, forgiveness, grace and real estate cited the recent death of CEO, John Paul II for the losses.

“‘Papa’ as we liked to call him, was crucial to our operations,” said spokesman Giuseppe Palomola from the Vatican. “Our board had asked name a successor but his health deteriorated so quickly he didn’t have time. We ask our shareholders for forgiveness,” he added.

The profit warning, which was declared after the market closed, lead to Standard & Poor's cutting its debt rating outlook on the stock and its finance arm, Heaven’s Gate Financials, to "negative." This brought the stock a step closer to junk status. A downgrade to junk could raise borrowing costs significantly.



“At present the Papaists rely heavily on American stockholders for capital. Without solid management in place they will be reluctant to buy. You may see some people unloading their stock for more attractive opportunities.” said investment banker Randolf Isaacs of Bear Sterns in New York. “Ordinarily Episcopalians see a bump in there share price when something negative hits the Vatican,” he added.

"The industry dynamics that Papal Holdings and other theological manufacturers face are comparable- high material costs, high legacy costs, declining market share, lackluster product cycle success, competitive recruiting" said Buddy Kozar, philosophy analyst for HSBC Securities.

Most observers believe the Board of Directors, known as the College of Cardinals, will act quickly to find a replacement. Many names have been rumored including Jack Welch, former CEO of GE, but those close to the organization believe they will promote from within.

“This is an organization that likes to bring its executives up through the ranks,” said Monsignor Geraldo Puglia, a stockholder since birth. “They believe in the corporate culture, you just can’t pick that up coming on board late in life.”

“I think they are going to bounce back bigger and better then ever!” enthused broker Todd MacCarthy of Merrill Lynch. “Despite what others are saying, I’m encouraging my clients to buy. This is just temporary.” he concluded

White Supremacist "A Victim" claims Texas Senator

Washington, DC. April 6, 2005- Republican Senator John Cornyn of Texas condemned the conviction of white supremacist Matthew Hale yesterday saying , “See? This will only make matters worse.” Hale was sentenced Wednesday to 40 years in prison for trying to have a federal judge killed.

On Monday Cornyn declared on the floor of the senate that unpopular decisions by judges caused people to become frustrated and that led them to violence- against judges. “The courts are totally out of control” Cornyn fumed, “They make political decisions yet are unaccountable to the public."

In a later interview he said, “Just imagine how Mr. Hale felt when this obviously biased judge ruled against his trademark claim? Losing in court is terribly frustrating- and what recourse does a person have? None!”

Mr Hale, founder of the Aryan Nations and self appointed leader of the World Church of the Creator, has been under federal scrutiny for decades. An avowed hater of Blacks, Jews, Catholics, but admirer of Adolf Hitler, Hale has been linked to crimes ranging from bank robbery to extortion to jury tampering and murder.

“This is just another example of big government stomping on the rights of the little guy!” proclaimed Cornyn.

Hale was convicted in April 2004 of soliciting an undercover FBI agent to murder U.S. District Judge Joan Humphrey Lefkow of Chicago. Lefkow had ruled against Hale in a trademark dispute.

“Mathew Hale has a constituency. Just because this liberal judge disagrees with his politics she ruled against him!” Cornyn said.

Prosecutors said Hale was furious that Lefkow ordered him to stop using the name “World Church of the Creator” for his organization. The name had been trademarked previously by a church group in Oregon.

“Matthew Hale never had a chance. The judge was a woman, a Jew- at least that’s a Jew name I think, a feminist too, and a liberal! “ Cornyn fumed.

Judge Lefkow’s husband and elderly mother were murdered in late February. Initially, suspicion fell on Hale’s supporters, but a Chicago man, disheartened over a Lefkow ruling in his medical malpractice lawsuit, shot himself and confessed to the killings in a note. The Lefkows were Catholics.

“I fully understand Mr. Hale’s frustration,” Cornyn added, “There have been times when I wanted to bring my 12 guage into the senate chambers and blow Ted Kennedy’s head clean off.”

*************************************************



Pope’s Will States: KEEP ME ALIVE!

Vatican City, April 7, 2005– Despite the claims of Cardinals surrounding the late, much-beloved Pope John Paul II, the Pontiff wanted “all extreme measures” used to keep him alive, it was reported today from the Vatican. When the Pope's health failed last week the church said that his desire was for no special measures to be used. A spokesman for the Church was unable to explain the discrepancy. Cardinal Bernard Gouieu, Papal Guardian, told reporters that he was following John Paul’s verbal instructions when he ordered the Vatican doctors to withhold any measures which might prolong the Pope’s life. “I spoka to him personally. He said he no wanta live lika vega-table,” the Cardinal explained. “I dunno why this wasa in his will. I gotta no explanation,” he added.

Adding to the mystery is an emerging story that “Papa’s” beloved Polish Nuns had fought vigorously with the Cardinals to save the Pontiff. Olga Kalisnacov, a cook in the nunnery, told the Rome Tribune that the Nuns had attempted to steal the Pope and hide him until he could be put on life support. “There wasa terrible fighta. The Sisters beat ata the Birds, thasa whata we call dem, Birds, they beata ata them witha those biga heavy rosaries they gota, buta the Birds theya come back ata them witha the big staffa . I saw one a Sister, her eye wasa bleeding very bad. It looka like it had beena stabbed bya pointy hat. There wasa blood everywhere!” Eventually, with the assistance of a regiment of the Swiss Guard, the twelve Cardinals were finally able to repel the two nuns.


Story developing...
*************************************************************************************
***BREAKING NEWS****BREAKING NEWS****BREAKING NEWS***


Iraq Elects Turd President

04/06/05, Baghdad. Emily Latella filing-The newly elected Iraqi Parliment today named Jalal Talabani as as its first president. Talabani, a Turd, presents a major political victory for Iraq's long-suffering Turdish minority, which was violently oppressed by ousted president...

Story developing...