SAUDIS TO MANAGE NYC BRIDGES

So, I sez ta the guy...

NYC, (WPI) - Governor Pataki today announced a plan to lease the management of New York’s key bridges and tunnels to a Saudi Arabian management company.

The Company, Allahaboveallalla, is a consortium owned principally be Sheik Ali Ali Inncumfre, a member of the Saud Royal family and wealthy investors from Germany, China, Japan, England and Cameroon.

“This is a great day for all New Yorkers,” said Pataki in making the announcement, “For too many years we have been pouring money into these oil rich states, it’s time for them give something back.”

The Governor was referring to the his reasoning, now being touted by supporters in the Assembly who must approve the transfer, that oil revenues from Saudi Arabia will flow back to America in lease fees charged by the state.

The plan calls for the Saudi Company to manage the Brooklyn Bridge, George Washington Bridge, 59th Street Bridge and both the Holland and Lincoln Tunnels. The lease is for fifty years and pays New York 2.87 Billion dollars.

Many states, like New York, are struggling to pay for new roads and bridges even as traffic continues to rise and both tolls and fuel taxes have not kept pace with costs. NYC has been especially hard hit. While commuter fees for the mass transit system have kept pace, and in some cases exceeded expenses, the tolls on the major tunnels and bridges have remained stagnent since the 1980's.

“The Governor wanted votes, not new tolls,” argued Assembly majority leader Sheldon Silver who opposes the plan. “George Pataki has kept the tolls into Manhattan artificially low and, when those fees can no longer pay for the upkeep, he proposes to sell our assets to Saudi Arabia. Do you think THEY will raise the tolls?!”

In fact the plan does call for a steady but gradual increase in toll rates over the lease period.

“This is the cheapest, most transparent attempt yet for Republicans to hand over tax-payer assets to their rich friends!” stormed Senator Chuck Schumer. “I mean, we’d all be angry if he gave the bridges and tunnels to, let’s say, Mobil-Exxon to manage. It would be perfectly obvious what was happening. But Governor Pataki has gone over the edge selling them to Arabs for God sake!”

Many New Yorkers are upset with the plan as well.

“He’s leaving, what’s he care?” said electronics salesman Ivan Gottideal of Brooklyn. “He sells our history and assents to a terrorist nation and takes a hike. Do ya’ think George Pataki will land a decent job someplace?”

“Lemme see if I get this straight,” said utility worker, Doug Summholes of Queens, “Pataki won’t raise the tolls, then when the bridges are losing money he sells them to the Arabs who are gonna raise the tolls. That’s not a scam is it?”

The Pataki plan is based on a lease in Chicago engineered by Democratic Mayor Richard Daley. There, Macquarie-Cintra, an Australian-Spanish consortium that manages roads around the world, purchased the 7.8-mile Chicago Skyway. That 99-year deal, worth $1.8 billion, encountered little political resistance.

“This is the new plan by Republicans to further dismantle government,” alleged Political scientist Eggar Heade of NYU. “They deliberately starve funding for infrastructure, for government agencies, and services then declare that the only ‘efficient’ way to rescue them is to sell the ‘management’ to private companies. Management is, of course what government does. It provides management for the ‘public good.’ The private sector provides management for profit- the privileged ‘private good.’ Most of these companies, by the way, are made up of consortiums of the very richest individuals in the world. Not just Saudis but lots of Americans, Japanese and now the Chinese.”

Governor Pataki claims that this plan will solve all the infrastructure for the whole state for “the next three decades.”

“Nice,” complained Ben Acontender a construction worker, “First the Arabs get rich selling us oil, then use our money to take control of the only way people can get to work and they make a profit on it! I wonder why, if the Arabs can make money on the deal, why can’t Pataki?”

“That’s simple,” added Youssa Taukentame a co-worker, “Pataki don’t wanna raise taxes ‘cause he’ll get voted out. So he sells the bridges to the Arabs and when they raise the fees the new Governor can just shrug and say, ’Not my problem!’
We can’t vote out the Arabs!”

A Spokesman for for Allahaboveallalla would not comment for this story except to deny that they planned to bring in Chinese workers to operate the tunnels and bridges, pave roads and compete for paving business throughout the state.

RUMSFELD ADMITS LOSING WAR

In the battle of wits...we don't have the weapons!

Washinton (WPI) - In a bizarre admission Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld yesterday admitted that the US had bungled the prosecution of the War in Iraq. Admitting that the US is losing to al Qaeda and other enemies in, "getting out information in the digital media age," he admitted that the “propaganda war” had failed.

“The ramp-up to the war was perfect,” Rumsfeld said, “We developed our information carefully and precisely. We rolled it out, first to US citizens then to the world, on a carefully prepared schedule. We employed the right talent- who can forget the performance by Colon Powell at the UN- and stayed on message. We achieved both “reach,” and “frequency.” Advertising terms for measuring the potential for effectiveness in message delivery to a target audience.

“We sold the product but now, we’ve let the competition eat our lunch!”

Rumsfled was ruminating on American propaganda exploits in a joint meeting of the Council on Foreign Relations, advertising executives and US Public Affairs Officers from various branches of intelligence and the military.

The Secretary bemoaned the terribly antiquated methods and equipment at the US disposal. He claimed that American is, “Badly outgunned on the media battlefield. Al Qaeda and our other enemies have many times the high-tech ordinance needed to prosecute this complicated war.”

Rumsfeld called for millions more to be allocated for the distribution of, “e-mail, Blackberries, instant messaging, digital cameras and Web logs, or blogs.”


“We actually have procurement officers who don’t know where to buy these ‘blogs!'” Rumsfeld exclaimed, gesturing wildly with his hands in a struggle to communicate these complicated issues.

"Modernization is crucial to winning the hearts and minds of Muslims worldwide who are bombarded with negative images of the West bombarding them," Rumsfeld claimed.

"Our enemies have skillfully adapted to fighting wars in today's media age, but ... our country has not adapted," Rumsfeld sighed.

Seemingly to lighten the mood Rumsfeld asserted, "For the most part, the U.S. government still functions as a 'five and dime' store in an eBay world," referring to old-fashioned U.S. retail stores and the online auction house, respectively. Many in the audience appeared confused.

“A lot is going on in Iraq and Afghanistan. A lot of ‘negativity’ has been generated by this prison stuff and the accidental rocket attacks. It is being quickly exploited by the enemy. When Al Jeezeera plays a slide show of American servicemen torturing every prisoner at Gitmo, then we must respond immediately with graphic images of something evil that Saddam Hussein did! It’s only fair. What's right is right. We need to counter their negative images with images of the evil we are fighting!” Rumsfeld argued.

He claimed that, "The military's information offices still operate mostly eight hours a day, five or six days a week while the challenges they faces occur 24 hours a day, seven days a week." Rumsfeld called that a "dangerous deficiency."

“Only the Fox Network is doing its job properly,” Rumsfeld asserted. “What’s the matter with the rest of you?”

Lamenting the past superiority of US propaganda forces he said, "I just wish we were as effective today as we were when we started the war. I just don’t know what the difference is.”

DRUGGERS OUTSOURCE TESTING

New Delhi, (WPI) - Recent filings with the Food and Drug Administration reveal that US drug companies have been outsourcing pharmaceutical testing of new chemical compounds on humans to India, southeast Asia and China.

Since 2004 more than 90% of human drug trials have been moved out of the United States. Pharmaceutical companies claim that there has been no reduction or compromise in testing standards related to the move. Several reasons are given but the principle ones are financial and the increased number and availability of prospective subjects.

“It’s not just that we have to pay these people so much less but they are so grateful for the money,” said Director of Research Sadie Iiste, of Pfizer Chemical. ”They tolerate pain, irritation, burning, all kinds of discomfort that Americans would never stand for. Then they look at you and bow, and say ‘Thank You, Sahib,’ It’s truly remarkable. It’s refreshing.”

“Beyond the savings is the ready availability of people with the serious diseases we need for our research. In the US maybe only 100 people in a city of 100,000 have the specific disease we need to test drugs for. Over here we can find 5000, 10,000 people with the disease.” claimed Naomi Morrales, VP of New Products for Abbott Laboratories. “It allows us to pick and choose. Not to mention, the people are so grateful, it’s a pleasure to come to work in the morning.”

“Let’s be honest, drug testing, especial trials on humans is unpredictable and expensive,” said Dick Crusher, Director of Human Trials for Bristol-Myers Squibb. “In the US if a patient dies from a sample we have to pay out tens to hundreds of thousands of dollars to their survivors. In India four, five hundred is much more common. The families are grateful too. They understand the risks. They are glad for the money. They wouldn’t have it otherwise.

“Americans are babies,” alleges Paine Levy of Ortho Consumer Pharmaceuticals in New Delhi. “In the US subjects skip appointments, show up late, complain about the traffic, bleeding or oozing. You have none of that over here. Even if a subject lives 20 or thirty miles away they will be here at 8AM even if they have to get up at 2am to start walking.

“Look, the world is flat, as the man says. If we can cut the costs of human trials by as much as 85% ,” said Clem Appathe, Chief of the Pharmacological Testing Group for Wal Mart, “we will. Always low prices, always.”

For more information:
http://www.perinclinical.co.uk/propositionservices.html

PROPERTY OWNER: ‘WHITTINGTON DRUNK’

___________________ YeeeeHaa!

Austin, (WPI) - The owner of the game farm/ranch where Vice President Dick Cheney shot hunting partner Harry Whittington now alleges that the victim may have been drunk.

MS. Katharine Armstrong, who first reported the accident to the local newspaper more than 18 hours after it happened, now says that Whittington had been in his limousine drinking twenty five year old scotch in the hours leading up to the accident. The shooting occurred about 5:30 PM CT.

“This kind of hunting, where we drive around in limos an’ jump out at stations to shoot at the released birds is a social event as much a recreational hunt,” said Ms. Armstrong. “It is an important exercise in our second amendment rights as well.”

The Vice Presidents’s limousines, crafted by the Secret Service hosts “a complete wet bar,” according to a person who replenishes the food and beverages at the White House but wished to remain anonymous for fear of losing his job. Texas law does not prohibit drinking in vehicles on private property.

“It’s like big ole’ Chinese fire drill out he’ya,” drawled gamekeeper Sonny Downe. “They ‘al drive up to where we lettin’ the birds outta the cages, climb out, shoot at a few and pile back inna limos. They always changing who’s sittin’ with who. All them lobbyists, an’ the women too, they all wanna be with Mr. Cheney.”

Ms. Armstrong a popular Republican fund raiser and lobbyist did not deny the process.

“Oh, that’s the fun of it all!. We have a drink, chit-chat, maybe talk a little business, hunt for a while and then switch partners and do it all ova’ agin! It a classic Texas get-together!”

Ms. Armstrong was adamant that Vice President Cheney had not been drinking during Saturday’s hunt.

“Oh no! Dick loves his single malt scotch, I can say that, but last Saturday he didn’t touch a drop all day, an’ we all had been drinkin’ since about noon.”

“I know that po’ ole’ Harry was a little tipsey. He was with Dick just about two stations befo’ an’ when he got in the next limo he looked pretty sloshed.” Armstrong said.

Doctors, siting Secret Service agents and the HIPPA privacy law, refused to say if a blood test had been taken or if there were any signs that Whittington had been drinking.

“It is not ordinary practice in the state of Texas to test for drunkenness with a gunshot wound,” said hospital spokeswoman Sandy Overfaks. “In fact, I think it’s illegal unless the police request it. Besides, that’s all we’d be doing.”

Ms. Armstrong denied that the 18 hour delay before the press was informed about the incident was to minimize the effects of alcohol use by members of the party.

“Oh, of course not! We all just didn’t think it was all that important. Really it was Dick himself that suggested I call the paper on Sunday."

Whittington, reached for comment could not reply since his entire face is wrapped in bandages. Neither the hospital or the Secret Service would say when the wraps might be removed.

In a related story the National Rifle Association announced that it was in the process of rewriting portions of its Gun Safety Guidelines and had already changed the responsibility for shooting safety from the gun wielder to those coming up from behind.

Claiming that the code revision and the Vice Presidential shooting were coincidental, NRA spokesman Barry Armes said, “This has been in the works for some weeks. It’s only common sense that sneaking up behind someone relieves the person with the gun from being responsible for shooting them.”

CHENEY SHOOTS PROSECUTOR

NRA gives VP historic "No Safety" rifle

WASHINGTON (AFP) - US Vice President Dick Cheney accidentally shot and wounded a 78-year-old man while the two of them were hunting on a ranch in southern Texas, Cheney's office said.

Cheney spokeswoman Lea Anne McBride confirmed that Cheney spun quickly, 180 degrees, to fire at quail that had just been released and was unaware that "anybody was behind me." The Vice President missed the birds and inadvertently peppered Harry Whittington with shotgun pellets, striking one side of his body. Ambulance attendants identified it as his front side, including his face and head. The incident occurred around 5:30 pm on Saturday at the Armstrong Ranch, where Mr. Cheney is an occasional visitor.

Whittington, a well known semi-retired attorney from Chicago, had long been mentioned as a potential Special Prosecutor in the CIA leak probe involving Cheney’s former Chief of Staff “Scooter” Libby.

In court documents released last week, Libby told a federal grand jury that he disclosed classified National Intelligence Estimates to reporters as part of a campaign by the Bush administration to discredit critics of so-called “intelligence” used to justify the invasion of Iraq.

Special Counsel Patrick Fitzgerald said in the documents sent to Libby’s lawyers that "Mr. Libby testified that he was authorized to disclose information about the NIE to the press by his superiors."

Whittington, a long time associate of Fitzgerald has often mentioned as a likely Special Prosecutor in the event the leak investigation expands to include “higher-ups” in the White House.

Both Fitzgerald and Whittington are Republicans and both have given the maximum amounts allowable to the Bush-Cheney campaigns. However, both men have long be considered unwaveringly ethical and “untouchable” according to White House records released as part of the investigation.

According to the local newspaper, the Corpus Christi Caller-Times, Whittington had been for scheduled yesterday’s hunt since September 2005, Mr. Cheney was booked in just one day before.

Local police, the Texas Rangers, Federal Marshals and the Secret Service are treating the shooting as an accident. However, Department of Environmental Conservation officers issued a citation to Mr. Whittington for “following to close,“ the newspaper reported.

CONSERVATIVES RALLY TO SAVE SHARON

Let him knosh!

Washington (WPI) - Conservatives from all across America rallied in front of the State Department in Washington yesterday to demand that Israel keep Prime Minister Ariel Sharon on life support systems in perpetuity and that a second, larger feeding tube be inserted to nourish the robust PM. The gravely ill Sharon, who has been in a coma since he suffered a deadly stroke in January, underwent emergency stomach by-pass surgery yesterday. Sharon’s wife claimed her husband told her that he desired a “Do Not Resuscitate” order in the event he was gravely ill, but that such order only take effect after his stomach was stapled.

“Ariel always said he would rather die then not eat good food. That is how he lived. If a miracle happens and he wakes up, cutting out his stomach was his pledge, his sacrifice to God for his mercy.”

Conservatives and the Religious Right are opposed to any person, domestic or foreign, having and implementing a DNR.

“You might argue that this is not our business,” said Jeb Bush governor of Florida, leading Budinski in the Terri Schiavo case, brother to President Bush and son of President Bush.


“You might argue that this is God’s business and we agree! We are here to do God’s business as we have been told to do it, Amen!” he told the cheering crowd of about 40 supporters.

“This man be just a Jew, and not entitled to place in heaven, “ declared Christian supremacist and televangelist Jerry Falwell, “But by God, it is our duty to keep his remains alive as long as technologically possible, so sayeth the Lord!”

Also at the rally were the parents of Terry Schiavo who fought a long losing battle to keep their daughter’s corpse alive in a macabre vegetative state for almost fifteen years.

“Life is life,” declared Bob and Mary Schindler, Schiavo parents, “It matters not if there are any functional components inside the skull, as long as the lungs and digestive track are forced to operate then we say, nay, God says, ‘This person has LIFE!’”

The Shindlers were signing advance copies of their book, “We Hear God,” which is being released by Time Warner on March 28. They refused to discuss on-going negotiations regarding a made-for-tv movie.

To the protestor’s disappointment Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist, who took a leading role in the Terry Schiavo case, did not attend this event despite the broad coverage by 24 hour news channels. Asked on NBC's Meet the Press in January if he had any regrets regarding the case, Frist said: "Well, I'll tell you what I learned from it, which is obvious. The American people don't want you involved in these decisions." Frist was referring to both Frist himself and the federal government.

Frist, a medical doctor, was widely mocked for making a video diagnosis of Shhiavo’s condition.

"I didn't make the diagnosis," Frist fudged to NBC, "I raised the question of whether or not she was in a persistent vegetative state."

He also was derided for strong-arming Congress to pass a bill enabling a federal court to review the case for the 76th time. President Bush returned from his Texas ranch to sign the bill into law, marking the first time in six years Mr Bush cut a Presidential vacation short. But a radical Republican “activist” federal judge refused to order the tube reinserted, adhering to the precedent set in the previous 75 court decisions in the matter.

The State Department had no comment.

PRESIDENT GOES HIGH CONCEPT

Hollywood is listening!

Washington, (WPI) - Appearing before a hastily assembled group of veterans at the National Guard Association yesterday President Bush unraveled a scary scenerio about an aircraft hijacking that, “almost happened right here in America!”

In what many experts characterize as a “cautionary tale” rather then a “Ghost Story,” “Tall Tale,” “yarn,” or film treatment, Mr. Bush unfolded a frighteningly familiar story of an airplane being hijacked and flown into a city’s tallest building by arab extermests.

The President relied on the distant, but stark communal memory of 9/11 to add effect and impact to his narrative.

Mr. Bush said that just a month after the attacks in New York and Washington, terrorists planned to grab another airplane using "shoe bombs" to breach the cockpit door. Once inside the terrorists would hold the crew, flight attendants, and deeply frightened passengers hostage with pens and pencils secretly carried on board in harmless pocket protectors. Once firmly in control of the aircraft the terrorists would fly flown to their target, the U.S. Bank Tower, in Los Angeles, home of Hollywood and capitol of the film industry. The highly recognizable structure graced the classic opening of each "Dragnet" program!

(In a separate, supporting press release, unidentified “Government Counterterrorism officials,” asserted that the tower would indeed be a particularly inviting target.)

In a significant plot twist, the terrorists would not be the standard swarthy “middle-eastern type,” but much more devious and less threatening “asian-types.” (Executives from Warner Brothers, who according to reports on E! have taken an option on the President’s story, have said that the terrorists will likely be changed to a more generic southeast Asian or Filipino type to not offend the important Asian markets.)

The President even invoked the name of, “The One Whose Name We Do Not Speak,” Osama Bin Laden in his pitch.

"Their plot was derailed in early 2002 when a "Southeast Asian nation" arrested a key Al Qaeda operative," Mr. Bush said. "Subsequent debriefings and ‘other intelligence operations’ (industry code for torture) made clear the intended target and how Al Qaeda hoped to execute it."

Giving a spooky sense of reality to the story was the fact that the independent commission that investigated Sept. 11 claimed that Khalid Shaikh Mohammed, the architect of the 9/11 attacks, had originally planned an even broader assault on America, with as many as 10 hijacked aircraft flying into buildings on both coasts! Though this was never confirmed it did boost sales of the report released in 2004.

The report mentioned several “mysterious moslems” who may show up in future revisions of the Presidents story.

* Ali Abu Franstien- a disenfranchised Jew who has joined Al Queda after his wife and son were killed by Israeli security forces removing them from their West Bank settlement.

* Ali Babba Vlad- a secretive Saudi Arabian figure alleged to be a billionaire financier and mastermind.

*Mohammed Ali “Bones”- a psychotic Jehadist ready to slash throats at the drop of a veil with his “Blade of ALAH,” hand made from the femur of a Russian Jew while he was interred in an Afghan detention camp.

* Sun Young Moonbeam a beautiful Japanese/Lebanese ninja with a bachelors degree in English from Bryn Mawr, a Masters in Computer Science from Newton College and a PHD in aerospace engineering from Berkeley.

The President refused to say if his Domestic Wiretapping Program played any role in thwarting the envisioned plot.

(Industry insiders who have seen the President’s treatment says that a character similar to Tom Clancy’s Jack Ryan heads a small group of specialists wiretapping Chinese Restaurants in San Francisco!)

“I’m not giving the ending away!” chimed the laughing Chief Executive.

TORTURE TO GITMO MONEY

Washington (WPI) - Citing the increased cost for housing and interrogation of “enemy combatant” prisoners in Gitmo in Cuba President Bush has included more than 19 million dollars in increased spending for “torture and torture related expenses,” in his 2006 budget proposal.

The item, buried deep in the Defense Department budget, indicates that recent hunger strikes by uncharged prisoners has skyrocketed the management costs at the highly concentrated POW camp.

DOD spokesman Col. Lyle Boutall said that the starvation tactics used by the Gitmo detainees were creating unusual burdens for the guards and interrogators.

“We have had to purchase special strapped chairs, bring in tons of new surgical hose- remember, everything needs to be imported to Cuba, train or troops to perform tracheotomies, the list goes on and on.”

Reporters questioned whether forced feeding was a form of torture.

"Absolutely not!” said Col. Boutall. "These enemy combatants have made the choice, of their own free will, to try and kill themselves by starvation. I have never tried it but THAT sounds like torture to me! Force feeding them is the only thing we can do to keep them alive.”

Accused by civil rights groups and international agencies like the United Nations, the Red Cross and Amnesty International of torture in violation of multiple treaties including the Geneva Convention, Col. Boutall did not deny the allegations.

“I stand behind the determinations made by Attorney General Gonzales,” he said, “According to him, the President has retained the right, and Congress gave him the authority, to torture anybody, anywhere that he thinks might be a terrorist suspect or linked in some way to a terror organization or even if they were just sold into custody by Iraqi bounty hunters.”

He added, “Look, we could send all these guys to Yemen and not have to answer any questions about it. Even with the torture and forced feeding they got it pretty good, you understand?”

As reported by the Associated Press, a recent study shows that the majority of the detainees at Guantanamo Bay have never committed any "hostile acts" against the United States.

By analyzing government records of the 500+ people locked up in Cuba, lawyers Mark Denbeaux and Joshua Denbeaux estimate that 55 percent "are not determined to have committed any hostile acts against the United States or its coalition allies".

Additionally, only eight percent of the detainees were characterized as Al-Qaeda fighters. Some 60% "are detained merely because they are 'associated with' a group or groups the (US) government asserts are terrorist organizations." The lawyers claim that no proof is offered to support the “association” allegations, though the Army has asserted that much of the evidence comes as a result of the domestic “warrantless” telephone wiretapping program carried out by the NSA.

According to AP, “The lawyers, who represent two Guantanamo detainees, noted that only seven percent of the 500 detainees had been captured by US and coalition forces.

Of the rest, 47 percent were turned over to the United States by Pakistan and Afghan Northern Coalition forces, and the captors of another 44 percent were unknown.

The study suggests that at least some of these detainees were turned over to US forces by bounty hunters and reward-seekers without verification of the detainee's status.

In the wake of the October, 2001 invasion of Afghanistan, US forces offered 'millions of dollars' for the capture of Al-Qaeda and Taliban members.”

“Regardless of the source of their delivery into our hands we consider these man and children to be a threat to the United States.” said Col. Boutall. “We don’t need to answer to anyone, to justify anything. We own these guys, that’s it. If they want to talk, to confess and tell us all they know they will be treated better. If not, well, we have all the time in the world.”

In January, an army spokesman said new US Army rules for executions of military prisoners do not apply to "war on terror" detainees at the US naval base at Guantanamo Bay in Cuba.

BUSH DEFENDS DEFENSE SPENDING

On the attack on defense

Washington (FOX News) - President Bush today went on the offensive defending his budget from critics who have attacked his plan for increased defense spending.

Siting the protracted “War on Terror,” Bush defended the lack of results by blaming the need for more spending. In remarks eerily reminiscent of Democratic claims of the 1960's War on Poverty, Bush declared that the problem was, “complex and challenging,” and would require, “even more money, then more yet.”

Denying that he was simply throwing money at the problem, as Senate Minority Leader Harry Ried has claimed, the President said that he was given all necessary authority to do so when the Senate voted for the USA Act in 2001.

Disputing allegations that the War on Terror and the Occupation of Iraq were in fact two different things Bush said, “Nobody denied that saving South Vietnam and defeating Communism in southeast Asia were two different things back in the ‘70s!”

Referring to a different war the President appealed to the public’s sense of patriotism.

“In the ‘Great War.’ when America had to climb in ships and travel half-way around the world to defeat fascism, naziism and a different kind of terrorism, against the Jews, nobody complained about defense spending. Back then to criticize the president or his budget in the time of war was know as the actions of traitors, not good Americans!” Bush declared to a round of applause from the depleted stock of reservists hastily assembled on short notice in a helicopter hanger at little used Chipotwaka Air Base in Maryland.

“Criticizing a defense budget was as good as giving medicine and cold drinks to the enemy. Well, not this time, not with this president!”


Mr. Bush has steadily resisted comparisons with other wars by his critics preferring to mention them only in his own speeches. Lately however Democrats have begun to make uncomfortable comparisons.

Democratic Ohio Senator, and alleged former Black Panther, Barack Bin Osama recently declared that, “We invaded France in June of 1944 and Hitler was dead and the Nazi’s were wiped out by April 1945. Instead of going AWOL maybe Bush should have stayed in the Air Force, he might have learned something about prosecuting a war!”

Liberal Senator Ted Kennedy displaying his shopworn lack of sympathy for Americans said on the floor of congress last week, “Within a very short time, more men and women will have been killed in Iraq then died in the attacks on 9/11. What have we gained?”

The President continued to attack his critics defending his proposal saying that, “We must defend America against those who would attack us. The defense of America must come at all costs.”

He also claimed that those who attacked his budget were soft on defense and worse.

“While my war is not at all like Viet Nam, just because we don’t have body counts doesn’t mean were not winning! And just like Viet Nam, those who criticize this war are the same kind of cowards, traitors and communists of that period, today!”

Bush concluded his comments saying, “I remember one of the proudest expressions of freedom any American could make back in the 1970's and it is just as true today as it was then, ‘America, love it or leave it!’”

CELEBS FIGHT FOR SPOTLIGHT AT KING FUNERAL

Oprah arranges props

LITHONIA, Ga. (WPI) - Black celebrities are jockeying with one another, battling security guards and cutting in front of ordinary mourners as they rush to have their pictures taken at this year’s hottest publicity event, the Coretta Scott King funeral.

Yesterday the event was marred by a shoving match which erupted between bodyguards of rapper Dr. Assin’ T. and members of Starr Jones’ entourage. Both celebrities arrived at the funeral simultaneously and tried entering together. Funeral managers blocked both groups stating that only one celebrity was permitted to take pictures at a time. Eventually, Jones was allowed in after funeral organizers contacted The National Enquirer for a ruling on status

Neither celebrity would speak to the press.

“This is a very solemn moment in Black American history,” read a statement released by ABC, “The press should honor Ms. Jones’ private mourning. She may be seen tomorrow at 11AM discussing her experience on ‘The View,’ on most ABC affiliates.”

The general public, forced to wait for hours in near-freezing temperatures to get a fleeting walk-past of Ms. Kings’s casket, are not happy with the preference being given to celebrities.

“First Oprah shows up and nobody else can enter for three hours while they set up lights and take picture,” complained Rufus Omyhed, a retired plumber’s assistant from Montgomery Alabama, “I marched with Mrs. King and now I gotta wait in line while Will Smith’s wife puts on a designer dress and veil to get’s her picture took? It don’t make sense.”

Not everyone was as negative about the circumstances however.


“I’m so excited,” gushed student Shawanda Farahwaye, on the rumor that rapper Ded ‘N Kidd Ded was slated to appear, “We tried to get him for my debutante party but he was arrested. I never thought I get a chance to see him!”

Employees at the Georgia Capitol where Mrs. King’s body was displayed complained too.

“We had to move that casket around for 45 minutes ‘till Oprah’s photographer liked how it looked.” said Kennpica Baylekotin, a security guard hired for the funeral.

Authorities are deciding today if they will extend the display another day to accommodate the requests for photographs.

“We will be making that determination later this morning,” said Sheckie Winedollar of Super Events in Atlanta, the company producing the funeral, “Many, many requests have come in for private viewings. At a certain point the level of celebrity will drop off and we’ll pull the plug. There will be a press announcement later.”

DISNEY CONCEDES TO DEMOGRAPHICS

The Hack in the Hat

Orlando (WPI) - After thirty years of broadcasting Monday Night Football, ABC Television finally conceded that it had badly misread the demographic profile of football fans.

In an astonishing concession to the ABC Marketing Department the network last night presented a new opening to Superbowl XL abandoning its traditional “Are You Ready fo Some Football” musical extravaganza, featuring the inimitable Hank Williams Jr, in favor of an animated “Cat in the Hat” intro starring the scruffy but lovable Harrison Ford.

Many media observers were shocked.

“Regardless of their IQ’s, there has been a standard used for years to describe the average football fan. Why Disney decided to change it now is a mystery,” said Len Mesummoni, publisher of Advertising Age magazine.

“Beer guzzling, truck driving, vomit spewing, costume-wearing, crazy men who throw twelve dollar cups of beer on each other and scream like lunatics whenever a camera comes near- why would Disney want to mess with that?” wondered Les Guile, CEO of ad agency, The Great Northern Rip-Off Company.

Other experts see the change as long overdue.

“The NFL is desperate,” said advertising guru, Telly Anilye of the Sheersheep Group, “You saw that pathetic ad they ran with all the children, little girls for God’s sake, sitting around watching professional football! These people are terrified that their normal demographic of middle-aged male alcoholics is aging out. They believe that the drunken party scene epitomized by Hank Williams is not doing anything to develop the next generation of viewers. That’s why they went with the Cat-In-The-Hat approach.”

““Look it can’t hurt them, “ said Ima Overuall, Distinguished Professor of Communications at Emerson College, “Disney owns every animated character created since 1930 so whatever they do is some form of crass cross-marketing. This is no exception. Most of their older male drunk viewers know the Cat-in-the-Hat from childhood so it strikes a familiar, sentimental cord with them. Younger audiences know the name from the Mike Meyers’s abomination. These diverse audiences both feel aligned with the piece, though exactly how ABC thinks it can translate or trick the younger Cat-In-The-Hat fans into the “NFL experience” fans escapes me. The only commonality is that both groups have the same IQ.”

The Hollywood Insider magazine reports today that Harrison Ford has been forced to delay production of his new film, “Pathetic,” until cast and crew learn to control themselves better. Denying reports that he was drunk when the intro was filmed Ford released a statement today through his publicist.

“I thought the piece was cute. It was cool. The reports of my professional suicide are greatly exaggerated! Ha, ha!?”

In a related Superbowl story, post game analysis showed that of the female sideline announcers Suzy Colbert scored almost twice as high in fan recognition as Latoya...whatever.

HALIBURTON TO INVESTIGATE RECONSTRUCTION CORRUPTION

Sec. of Defense and former Haliburton executive cut cake celebrating new contract

Washington (WPI) - Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld today named Haliburton subsidiary Kellogg-Brown Corporation as lead agency to investigate widespread fraud and mismanagement of funds in the reconstruction of Iraq.

Just last week a special government report by the Special Inspector General for Iraq Reconstruction found widespread corruption and misuse of funds throughout Iraq.

Citing numerous incidents of simple theft and multiple examples of horrendous incompetence and mismanagement by low level executives of the Bush reelection campaign committee who had been dispatched to Iraq to handle the trillion dollar reconstruction project the report suggested sweeping changes.

“It is apparent that the managers sent to Iraq had no prior experience in either construction, reconstruction, management, oversight, ethics, local customs and language, auditing, pricing controls, competitive bidding procedures, financial oversight, construction oversight or even how to use Excel for simple ‘household level’ bookkeeping or budgeting.” The report claimed.

In the statement released by Rumsfeld he said, “The Haliburton company has a proven track record of foreign management ‘best-practices.’ We can think of no other organization better qualified to step in and bring spending and management goals into line. Therefore there will not be any other bidders.’

Rumsfeld and the DOD were unavailable for comment following the announcement.

ECONOMIC NEWS_____

BLOATED KRAFT COMMITS TO LOSE

Philedelphia, (WPI) - The maker of Oreo cookies, DiGiorno pizza, pre-packaged lunches, canned cheese sprays, and taffy-like cheese products announced on Monday a three-year plan to trim 8 percent of its workers, 8,000 jobs, and shed 20 production plants worldwide.

The announcement came even as Kraft passed its fourth quarter fisical which showed a marked improvement in "good PPS," Profit Per Share surpassing the expectations of Wall Street's specialists.

Kraft had been trying to stick to a previous cost-cutting program it started in early 2004. The company has managed to shed 5,500 workers and dropped 19 whole plants. Kraft’s target is to lose a total of about 13,500 employees and trim 40 bulky facilities by the end of 2008.

“We’re so excited by this new restructuring plan!” gushed then CEO Betsy Holden in 2004, “I really think we can do it this time. We’ve started and stopped so many times before but this time I really feel like we can succeed!”

Animal parts, meat, coffee, plastics, packaging, commodities and transportation have piled up, adding “tons” to the company profile. Management has tried to control itself but costs have nibbled away at the bottom line of Kraft over the last year. At its regular Monday morning “weigh in” with investors Kraft claimed commodity costs soared more than $800 million in 2005.

“I tried, I really tried,” said a tearful Holden.

Crude oil prices have also been a factor in the company’s ballooning expense profile.

“Many of our products are very petroleum intensive,” said company spokesman Phyllis Witjunke, “Our most popular cheese food items- Lunchables, Unbreakable String Cheese, Cheeze Whiz, Whiz in a Can, numerous processed meat-type products, dry cheese-like packaged products- and others, especially those marketed to children, contain a high concentration of petroleum derived ingredients. Oil prices are so rich they are just wrecking efforts to control our consumption.”

Kraft is 86 percent owned by Altria Group Inc., the parent of tobacco company Philip Morris. Altria has repeatedly stated it plans to spin off Kraft once it settles outstanding litigation hanging over the tobacco business.

“We may need to gut Kraft if the settlements are too large. I just want Americas to know that many of their favorite products are at risk over this frivolous lawsuit,” said Altria CEO Terry Fiede, “Lunchable Snacks, Oreos, Cheese Whiz, Macaroni and Cheese, Velveta- they may all disappear if twelve of our fellow citizens choose to punish a company for the actions of a few well informed consumers.”

Kraft said it hopes to trim its product line by another 10 percent, atop the 20 percent goal of 2004. Witjunke said the company would use whatever savings the firings and plant closings yield to strengthen its remaining brands. Kraft is trying to improve its product mix by shedding low-margin items in favor of more profitable, healthier offerings.

“By healthier we mean to our bottom line,” explained Witjunke.
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BUSH: ‘America is Addicted to OIL’

Washington (WPI) - Former oil executive President Bush took the bold step of blaming consumers for the nation’s “crack-like” dependence on foreign oil. In his State of the Union address Bush lashed out at Americans saying, “You people were weak,” that “the public doesn't know how to say ‘NO’,” and admonishing, “Look at yourselves, you’re a disgrace!.”

Bush declared his intention to appoint an “Energy Czar” to try to control the flow of foreign oil into this country and develope a program for school children to help them turn down the use of oil.

Read complete story: http://internationalblognews.blogspot.com/oil-junkies
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EXXONMOBILE: OIL PROFITS KINGPIN

New York, (WPI) Reputed Oil dealer ExxonMobile reported the largest annual profit in U.S. corporate history Monday, a $36.1 billion jackpot that included a record-setting fourth quarter.

Exxon earned $10.7 billion, or $116 million every 24 hours, in 2005's final quarter, up 27% from the same period one year earlier.

Quarterly revenue of $99.7 billion was 19.5% higher than last year's fourth quarter. For the year, Exxon took in $371 billion - equal to the total annual economic output of Argentina and Thailand.

The lucrative earnings report made company heads fearful of being busted by federal regulators and harassed by frightened consumers. In an attempt to legitimize their activities, the company took out ads in major newspapers arguing that its profit as a percentage of sales was not out of line with other industries. Oil and gas industry profits of were less than half that of the Big Drug companies according to the Exxon ad.

“Hey man, we are just responding to the market,” said Rapper Lil’ Cock-A-Mammy, a company spokesman. “The dudes want the stuff, we sell it. We ain’t doing nuffin wrong!”

Read complete story: http://internationalblognews.blogspot.com/crack-for-oil-plan