ROBERTSON CLAIMS EARTHQUAKE CREDIT

Prayers may have been answered

Virginia Beach (WPI) - Televangelist Pat Robertson today claimed credit for the earthquake in North West Pakistan which has killed an estimated 30,000 people.

“We have been praying for months for Divine Intervention,” explained Robertson who is alleged to be worth more than $300 million. “We have asked God everyday to intercede and kill Osama Bin Laden and now he may have answered our prayers!”

Daily, on Robertson’s 700 Club television show, the preacher prays intently for the death of those who have different views than his own. He is especially prayerful toward those whose political opinions are different from his.

Robertson has prayed successfully for the death of actors, politicians, doctors and most recently a Supreme Court Justice. He has prayed unsuccessfully for President Clinton, Senator’s Kerry and Clinton, actor Susan Sarandon, the President of Venezuela and his own dentist.

“I am a patient man,” said Robertson through a spokes person. “Jesus has answered so many of our petitions, I am grateful for that. Perhaps the Lord just needs just a couple more prayers but this shows He is trying. We will keep praying.”

As of this hour there is not report of Osama Bin Laden’s death.

BLOOMBERG BOOS SCARE SCAM

Mayor demands end to snickering

New York City (WPI) - New York’s Michael Bloomberg insisted Friday he did the right thing going public with a allegation of a terrorist threat to bomb New York’s subway system and refuted suggestions that he overreacted to information of dubious credibility.

“I am really p- - -ed off with the media” the Mayor said in a press conference held late Friday afternoon in his Manhattan offices. “The smirking, chuckling, just the overall cynicism displayed by the press in this matter is shameful!”

The Mayor was reacting to the widespread, but mostly unreported, belief by reporters that the latest “terror threat” is nothing more then the manipulation of the press for political purposes.

Speaking anonymously for fear of reprisal a writer for the conservative NY Post said, “It’s the same old, same old. Bad news for White House hits the wire, we just start to report on it and ‘bingo,’ there’s another terror alert someplace.”

Joining in the conversation a reporter for the Washington Post , speaking anonymously for fear of reprisal, added, “We have a pool on it at the Post. If bad news comes out about Cheney, Rove or Rumsfeld within twenty-four hours a mysterious report will surface and the ‘terror threat’ level will be raised.”

In recent days the President’s closest political advisor, Deputy Chief of Staff Karl Rove, has be summoned to give testimony in the Valerie Plame case. This is the fourth time Rove has been deposed and follows closely the release from prison of NY Times reporter Judy Miller.

A reporter for the Philadelphia Inquirer, speaking anonymously for fear of reprisal, described what he termed “The Terror Tease.”

“Once bad news begins to get coverage the White House Brain Trust puts the plan into motion. The individual event or back story, that’s all cookie-cutter stuff. They just pull the top folder off the pile and run with it. They’ll have emergency press conferences, get plenty of TV coverage, dispatch the goon squad to Fox News- you know, the whole bit.”

A reporter for TV Guide magazine said, “We refer to it as, “‘Shields up! Engage the deflector beam!’ in honor of Star Trek.”

A high level law enforcement official in New York, speaking on condition of anonymity, said the heightened security was prompted by an informant's report of a plot to attack the subway system with bombs hidden in bags and possibly baby strollers.

“Gee, that’s a new one” he added. “We never thought of that before.”

“The idea that I or this office would play politics by frightening the good citizens of New York unnecessarily is deeply offensive.” Bloomberg declared. “I also find the suggestion linking my possible run for president in 2008 to a Karl Rove promise to assist my campaign very disturbing. Who did you hear that from? I demand to know!” the visibly angry Bloomberg stormed.

UNION OF CONCERNED IRONICISTS DISSOLVES

We are undone!

Washington (WPI) - The Union Of Concerned Ironicists announced today that they were disbanding their organization.

“We can’t compete, “ explained a distraught Sven Censitave, spokesman for the organization. “After President Bush’s speech today, coming so closely after his press conference two days ago, we are forced to concede. We have been undone by a harsh reality.”

Mr. Censitave was referring to a speech given by the president in an effort to bolster both support for the war in Iraq and his sagging approval ratings.

“Let me offer a few quotes,” Censitave said. “Bush said, ‘Islamic radicals are seeking to enslave whole nations and intimidate the world’ and then, ‘The militants believe that controlling one country will rally the Muslim masses, enabling them to overthrow all moderate governments in the region and establish a radical Islamic empire that spans from Spain to Indonesia.’”

“It’s fantastic, I mean we make our living coming up with ideas and language that oozes irony, but who can top this stuff? He has taken precisely what the entire world is saying about America and has turned it on it’s ear!”

“Really, he’s beaten us all. It’s time to give up the game.” said Judge Rufus Peckham honorary chairman of the UOCI.

“Bush claimed to have "plenty" of political capital left, despite slumping opinion polls, an increasingly unpopular war in Iraq, and severe criticism of his role in the Hurricane Katrina debacle. The guy is unstoppable. The best we could ever do is write things like that. He gets up in front of the whole world and says it out loud!”

In announcing the dissolution, Censitave handed out a list of presidential quotes made over the last few days.

On Harriet Meirs-
* Yesterday, I nominated an outstanding individual to serve on the Supreme Court of the United States.”

* I thought long and hard about

*I know her well enough to be able to say that she's not going to change; that 20 years from now she'll be the same person, with the same philosophy that she is today.

On the hurricane aftermath-
* I'll take responsibility. I'll take all the responsibility for the failures at the federal level. Congress has got other important work to do, starting with our response to the hurricanes Katrina and Rita.

* I've also made it clear we must do so in a fiscally responsible way. Congress needs to pay for as much of the hurricane relief as possible by cutting spending.

On the budget-
* I'm going to spend it ( his political capital) in the short term on getting a budget out that is fiscally responsible, one that decreases non-security discretionary spending — actually decreases it, not increases it. Secondly, when it comes to discretionary spending — non-security discretionary spending — the budget I submitted to the United States Congress actually reduces non-discretionary, or discretionary, non-security spending. In the long run, there's two big issues looming that are budgetary issues, one, and these are the unfunded liabilities inherent in the mandatory programs of Social Security and Medicare.

On Iraq-
* "Like the ideology of communism, our new enemy teaches that innocent individuals can be sacrificed to serve a political vision."

* I will continue to work with Congress to make sure our soldiers have what they need to win the war on terror. We're making good progress in Iraq, and Iraq is a part of the war on terror. That's what the American people need to understand.

* First, let me remind people that we are at war. And I have pledged the American people — and more importantly, the troops and their families — we'll make sure they have what it takes to succeed.

* More and more Iraqi are able to take the fight to the enemy.

* Right now, there are over 80 army battalions fighting alongside coalition troops. When I say army battalions, Iraqi army battalions. There are over 30 Iraqi battalions in the lead.

*There is no justification for Iran or any other country interfering in Iraq," quoting Tony Blair.

* Success in Iraq is really important for our future.

On leadership-

* I'm still a conservative, proudly so, proudly so. Is there a need to move federal assets more quickly in spite of laws on the books that may discourage that? That's an area where I think we ought to take a good hard look.”

* “My job is to lead and solve problems.”

* I'll be glad to take some questions.

* Yes. Thank you for the question.

“Can you believe it?” exclaimed Peckam. “Bush has invoked the Crusades, blended it with scary Hitler threats of anti-Semitism and wrapped it all up in Communism! Communism for God’s sake! If Communism is so bad why do we have the biggest trade deficit in world history with China? They’re even financing the war in Iraq! ”

“I’ve been writing professionally for 30 years but I couldn’t make stuff like this up. It’s all too over-the-top. It’s not believable. In the hands of a writer it would be considered amateurish, childish. Only the President could pull it off,” said a despondent Censitave.

“When government-speak exceeds what the best fiction writers can dream up, it’s time to throw in the towel.” added Peckham.

“The mission of an Ironicist is to highlight the unbridled hypocrisies and pretenses of politicians, but when government itself gets into the game who can possible compete?”

CITING ‘DIVERSITY’ BUSH PICKS WHITE WOMAN FOR SUPREME COURT

Oblivious candidate smiles

Washington, (WPI) - President Bush nominated Harriet E. Miers, the White House counsel, as his choice to replace Justice Sandra Day O'Connor this morning. Ms. Miers, 60, a longtime confidant of the president's, has never been a judge.

Announcing the selection at the White House, Mr. Bush lauded Ms. Miers. "She has devoted her life to the rule of law and the cause of justice."

Working mainly for the Bush family for most of her career, Ms. Miers has never written a judicial decision. In 1995, Mr. Bush, then governor of Texas, named her chairwoman of the Texas Lottery Commission. Ms. Miers, who received her bachelor's and law degrees from Southern Methodist University, was also an at-large member of the Dallas City Council.

The president said that while considering his choice in recent days, Ms. Miers had "stood out as being exceptionally well-suited" to replace the retiring Justice O'Connor.

“We put together a small team, actually way back in June, to select new judges,” Bush said. “Mostly, Dick , Karl, Laura, Tom DeLay and me did the thinking on it. We sort of knew that if we got our guy in as Chief Justice the next appointment might be a little tougher. That’s why we thought of Harriet. She’s tough, she’s loyal. She has a lot of money, a good career and she’s willing to take one for the party, if needs be.”

This morning Mr. Bush claimed that the White House had consulted 80 senators for names in the selection process. However, only last week, Senator Charles E. Schumer, the New York Democrat who is on the judiciary panel, said that it was "consultation in name only." He revealed that Ms. Miers had been the functionary who had called him to ask for suggestions and that the call lasted less than five minutes.

"There is no back and forth," he said. "It's just, 'Give us some names.' I said to her, 'Look, I'd like to know who the president is considering.' And she didn't say anything. She just chuckled."

The President praised his nominee saying she, "will not legislate from the bench." Judges are prohibited from writing legislation under the separation of powers provision of the US Constitution.

SMU Yearbook Photo
In 1996, Mr. Bush described Ms. Miers as being "a pit bull in Size 6 shoes." after extracting him from some sticky last minutes law suits relating to his ownership of the Texas Ranger baseball team.

“Well, some people might also describe her as a lamb,” said Vice President Dick Cheney somewhat cryptically. “Harriet is a good candidate for this go-round... She’s lucky. She’s never run for office so she doesn’t yet know how tough the process can be. The hard questions, the pain of losing. It’s easy to volunteer for the mission if you've never seen combat before.”

Never having served in any judiciary capacity Ms. Miers lacks a history of court rulings that would reveal ideological tendencies. Her positions on such important social issues as abortion and affirmative action are not clear. Nor can they be.

First lady Laura Bush has known the nominee for many years and felt Ms. Miers was capable of the role she was selected to play. “Harriet is tough. She knows that the Senate will really scrutinize the candidate this time. She’s prepared for the role she has to play.”

Critics have already begun to line up. Senator Hillary Clinton Democrat of New York, said, “John Roberts evaded the answers to questions regarding his legal ideology because he is a shifty, clever lawyer, but at least he was a judge! Ms. Mier has absolutely no judicial record! How can she even have any legal perspectives?”

“I know Harriet,” the President said, “She’s tough. She told me that if somebody has to fall on a sword she would do it gladly. That’s loyalty.”

Senator Patrick Leahy, the Vermont Democrat on the judiciary panel, commented, “I am shocked by this selection. It’s obvious she can’t pass muster. I just wonder who the Neocon nightmare is standing in the wings.”

“Bush’s personal lawyer?” exclaimed Senator Ted Kennedy of Massachusetts. “Served on the Dallas city council? How does that make you qualified for the Supreme Court? She’s a lamb all right. A rack of lamb cooked and served up by Karl Rove!”

Shaking his head he added, “Whoever is in the closet must be really, really bad.””

FREEDOMS ENCOURAGE TERRORISM, MILITARY WARNS

Free Press threatens American children

Washington, (WPI) - On Thursday a U.S. District court ordered that pictures of detainee abuse at Iraq's Abu Ghraib prison must be released despite government claims that they could damage America's image and threaten its security.

U.S. District Judge Alvin K. Hellerstein said terrorists in Iraq and Afghanistan have proven they "do not need pretexts for their barbarism" indicating that the government’s argument was not adaquate.

The American Civil Liberties Union sought the release of 87 photographs and four videotapes during an October 2003 lawsuit seeking information on the treatment of detainees in U.S. custody. The ACLU has asserted that prisoner abuse is widespread and systemic.

Gen. Richard B. Myers, the chairman of the joint chiefs of staff, argued in court papers that releasing the photographs would aid al-Qaida. He said the hostility engendered by the images would result in improved terrorist recruiting while simultaneously reducing US military recruiting efforts. He asserted the images would weaken the Afghan and Iraqi governments and incite riots against U.S. troops.

In Hellerstein’s 50-page opinion he offered respect for Myers' arguments. But he claimed that his job was "not to defer to our worst fears, but to interpret and apply the law, in this case, the Freedom of Information Act, which advances values important to our society, transparency and accountability in government."

''Our nation does not surrender to blackmail, and fear of blackmail is not a legally sufficient argument to prevent us from performing a statutory command. Indeed, the freedoms that we champion are as important to our success in Iraq and Afghanistan as the guns and missiles with which our troops are armed,'' he wrote.

Gen. John Abizaid, commander of U.S. Central Command, said releasing the photos would hinder his work.

“These images are like scratching a festering sore. Any more of this and suicide bomber candidates will be lined up around the proverbial block.” he said.

“Americans need to understand the Arab psyche. They’re confused by these issues. Freedom of the press, of religion, the right to privacy- these are very threatening concepts to them.”

“But it’s not just Arabs. We have seen, right here at home, the value of restricting these notions. The Patriot Act has made us a stronger, more secure nation. Americans need to remember, liberties come from ’liberalism.’ The horrible tragedy of 9-11 showed us all the failures of that!".”

“These exaggerated constitutional gestures ultimately threaten your safety, the safety of your children and your grandchildren. I wonder how many American mothers would trade away a few of these notions to save the lives of their babies?”

Meyer added, “I know I Speak for the Secretary of Defense when I say that this boils down to seeing your children slaughtered or supporting the ACLU. I think I know where most Americans stand on that!”