DEMS HIRE KEN STARR TO FIND ROBERTS DOCUMENTS

"If they want a 'Witch Hunt'..."

Washington, (WPI) - Senate Democrats reacted to media and Republican criticism of their effort to obtain documents by Supreme Court nominee John G. Roberts by retaining former special prosecutor Kenneth Starr to head the commission charged with uncovering the records.

The idea of hiring Starr came from Senator Hilliary Clinton (D-NY). “This man is a proven bloodhound,” said Clinton making the announcement. “Let’s not forget that a few years back Ken started with nothing, just a flimsy allegation about our Whitewater finances, and came up with Monica Lewinsky. He almost engineered an impeachment!”

Starr who’s investigation of Bill Clinton took six years and cost over $40 million dollars won’t enjoy a similar situation with Roberts.

“Unfortunately, the taxpayers aren’t footing the bill and our window is much narrower,” said Starr. “However, I promise to use all the resources and techniques I developed in the ‘90s.”

Mainstream media, reacting to conservative denunciation that they are “liberal,” have reacted by abandoning all pretense of fairness when discussing Roberts’ nomination to the highest court in the land.

MSNBC's Hardball, host Chris Matthews, and New York Times columnist Bob Herbert are a recent example: MATTHEWS: Bob, I want to start with you on this. It seems to me that the liberals are a bit desperate right now. They're looking around for paper. They're trying to -- they're basically going on witch hunts, or, rather, what do you call them? Fishing expeditions is the political term, trying to find some dirt on this pristine, apparently pristine, nominee of the president for the Supreme Court, John Roberts. HERBERT: The desperation started on the last election night, the presidential election.

“Don’t worry about them,” assured Starr, “I’ll find something soon enough. When I do, I’ll seek subpoena power. I’ll drag the NY Times and Chris Matthews in and 'chat them up.' They’ll come around, I’m sure of it.”

“Maybe we could jail them to give up their sources!” suggested Clinton.

CONGRESS PASSES $14.5 bln ENTERTAINMENT BILL

Rappers entertain as Senate rewards media giants

WASHINGTON (WPI) - The House Thursday easily approved an entertainment bill packed with $14.5 billion in tax breaks and incentives and hailed by Republicans as a major change in U.S. entertainment policy.

Audience groups and fans criticized the legislation as a giveaway to an industry already enjoying record profits with rude cd prices near $60 a box, while spending little on ways to curb demand or encourage renewable entertainment.

The bill passed by a vote of 275 to 156.

The Senate is expected to approve it Friday, just before Congress recesses for its summer vacation. President Bush is expected next week to sign the entertainment bill, which he called one of his top priorities in 2005.

"This legislation will help us reduce our dependence on foreign sources of entertainment. It will help address the root causes that have led to high entertainment prices," said White House spokesman Scott McClellan.

Industry officials praised the bill.

"For the first time, our entertainment policy is coming together," said William Kovacs at the U.S. Chamber of Commerce.

Other Republicans acknowledged it could not cut cd imports in the near term. The United States now imports 60 percent of its cd supply.

"As long as we're consuming 21 million cds (a day) and we're only producing 8 million, we're going to be importing cds," said Texas Republican Joe Barton, author of much of the bill.

BILLIONS TO INDUSTRY

Of the bill's $14.5 billion in tax breaks and incentives over 10 years, nearly $9 billion is earmarked for music and television, cable and premium channel companies. Less than $5 billion will be spent on entertainment efficiency and renewable entertainment programs.

Republicans say it will revive network TV by encouraging companies to create the first new programs since the advent of Paid-For-Programing in 1979. Cable is another big winner in the bill, which offers incentives to cut “pollution” from cable programing.

“There is entirely too much sex, violence and ‘dirt’ on cable television,” said Barton, “This funding package will encourage exploration of new forms of programing and insure a continuing flow of quality shows for years to come.”

Cd and TV companies will get royalty relief for production from dangerous LA recording studios, an inventory of aging production studios in Hollywood and Astoria NY, and tax breaks for enlarging existing studios and cd production facilities.

American farmers will benefit from the bill's requirement to nearly double U.S. ethanol use to 7.5 billion gallons by 2012. Ethanol, refined from corn, is added to other chemicals to make cds more “recyclable-friendly.”

Consumer groups complained that the legislation would hand over billions in taxpayer dollars to the entertainment industry.

The U.S. Public Interest Research Group said it calculated all the tax breaks, guaranteed loans and direct spending were worth $25 billion to entertainment firms. "This bill keeps the cd, television and cable industry firmly in the driver's seat," said Anna Aurilio, a PIRG spokeswoman.

Democrat Henry Waxman of California criticized last-minute items added to the bill after House and Senate negotiators halted debate. Among them was a $1.5 billion fund for new talent research that would benefit an entertainment consortium based in House Majority Leader Tom DeLay's Texas district, Waxman said.

A spokesman for DeLay defended the fund, saying it was in the entertainment bill approved by the House in April. The measure was not in the Senate's version. The spokesman ran away after handing out the statement, refusing to take questions.

Other Democrats said entertainment companies have ample profits to fund new projects and don't need more subsidies. Thursday, Sony-BMG Corp. reported a 32 percent jump in its quarterly profits to $7.64 billion. "Right now Adam Smith is spinning in his grave so fast that he would qualify for a subsidy in this bill as an entertainment source," said Democrat Edward Markey of Massachusetts. "This bill is a political and moral and technological failure."

Nancy Pelosi, Democrat of Massachusetts, said, “This bill is an outrage. It is nothing more than a monumental pay-off to the giant media companies for their compliance in not reporting on the war in Iraq.”

Senator Chuck Shumer added, “This is Corporate Socialism at its worst. Literally billions of tax-payer dollars are being given to an industry to pay for their operations! What is more fundemental to the music business then finding new talent or pressing cds? Why should the taxpayer pay them for that?”

Pelosi chimed in, “That’s like taxpayers being asked to give money to oil companies to drill for oil. It’s absurd.”

The final version of the bill dropped some environmentally friendly measures, such as the Senate's requirement that the federal government find ways to cut U.S. cd demand and reduce the number of commercials on second-tier cable stations.

====================================================================

MEDIA COMPANIES POST HUGE PROFITS

NEW YORK (WPI) - Music traders on the New York Mercantile Exchange have bid cd futures above $61 a box through most of next year. Futures quotes do not dip below Wednesday's $59.11 a box for September delivery until June 2008, by which time new supplies in East LA and the Nashville are expected to be available.

Simmons & Co. music consultant Herbert Williams says, "We're in a new era for cd prices because this industry has suffered from a significant lack of reinvestment for the last 20 to 30 years." His firm predicts global demand will top 86 million cds a day by the end of this year, exceeding supply by 2 million to 4 million units, a trend it likens in research materials to a "runaway train ... barreling toward a brick wall. Like in the Elvis song.”

For now, music companies are enjoying windfall profits. Sony-BMG is expected today to report second-quarter earnings of $8 billion, second highest in its history, according to Thomson Financial. Wednesday, Warner Records reported a 51% spike in second-quarter profit to $3.1 billion; Columbia’s earnings more than tripled to $371 million; Def Records' profits rose 3.8% to $299 million.

RUMSFELD, IRAQI PM PLAN FOR US ELECTIONS

A 'jet-lagged' Donald Rumsfeld does a Parisian jig for conquered Iraqis


Iraq's Prime Minister Ibrahim al-Jaafari, called for a swift withdrawal of U.S. troops and the top U.S. commander in Iraq said on Wednesday he believed a "fairly substantial" pullout could begin next spring and summer.

The transitional prime minister spoke at a joint news conference with Defense Secretary Donald H. Rumsfeld saying that the time has arrived to plan a coordinated transition from American to Iraqi military control throughout the country.

“We both have elections to think about!” grinned the cadaverous Rumsfeld, “It’s time we get our stories straight.”

Al-Jaafari was asked how soon a U.S. withdrawal could happen, he replied that no exact timetable had been set. "But we confirm and we desire speed in that regard," he said, speaking through a translator. "And this fast pace has two aspects."

“This is what I meant” interrupted Rumsfeld, “We have a lot of qualifiers. A lot of outs, if we need them.”

Rumsfeld, later described by a spokesman as suffering from jet-lag, was interrupted by Gen. George Casey, the top American commander in Iraq.

“First, there must be a quickening of the pace of training of Iraqi security forces, and second there must be closely coordinated planning between the U.S.-led military coalition and the emerging Iraq government on a security transition,” Casey read from a statement.

"We do not want to be surprised by a withdrawal that is not in coordination with our domestic elections,"' he said.

Speaking earlier with U.S. reporters traveling with Rumsfeld, Casey said he believed a U.S. troop withdrawal could begin by spring 2006 if, "and this is a big IF," progress continues on the political front and if the insurgency does not expand.

“It is important that American voters know that we have a scheme for a withdrawal. We don’t have to stick rigidly to it, I mean, there are lots of factors. We will commit to a plan, then qualify it, get past the mid-term elections and see where we stand.”

The General presented the list of “qualifiers” to reporters in a press release entitled, “Conditions for Significant Withdrawal of US/Coalition Troops from Iraq.” It included:

* More recruits. Secure recruiting stations from insurgent bombs.
* Retain US personal. Cancel retirements, delay US returns, etc.
* US polling. How war/GOP is faring.
* Blame Syria.

Reporters were detained at the conclusion of the joint press conference and Casey’s earlier written statement was confiscated. A spokesman for General Casey explained that the document was incorrect and a revised press release would be distributed later.

LOCKHEED/MARTIN GETS $16 b. CHINA MISSILE CONTRACT

Employment expected to mushroom

Seattle (WPI) - Lockheed/Martin, the world’s biggest weapons manufacturer announced on Friday that it was awarded a $16 billion dollar contract to build missiles for China. This is the single largest military contract ever awarded and dwarfs the previous military contract leader, the 8 billion spent developing the Bradley fighting Vehicle by Ford.

“We are delighted at this opportunity,” said Lockheed/Martin Chairman Warren Theusa. “This project will create jobs for thousands of Americans for years to come. It is a very good thing!” He declared to the cheers of hundreds of union workers assembled for the announcement.

Flanking Mr. Theusa was Washington state Lieutenant Governor Brad Owen and Lockheed/Martin’s new Chairman of the Board, Hua Sai Fuk. Mr Fuk was appointed by new corporate owner, Wal-Mart, only last Thursaday.

According to the company’s press release the contract is for, “the design, construction, testing, delivery and installation of 1200 intercontinental ballistic missiles capable of traveling over 20, 000 miles carrying ‘conventional’ warheads.” The contract is expected to run for 10 years and create 1500-2000 new jobs in the Seattle area.

ASHCROFT DEFINES ‘JUDICIAL ACTIVISM’

Former Attorney General John Ashcroft in men's room of Ramada Inn, Olde' Williamsburg, Va.

Clarifies Framers 'Intent'

Richmond, (WPI) - Reacting to Democratic claims that any attempt to reverse Roe v. Wade by conservative judges would be “blatant judicial activism of the worst kind,” former Attorney General John Ashcroft offered a definition for the expression in an effort to, “clear the air on judicial behavior.”

Ashcroft speaking at a meeting of the Evangelical Daughters of the American Revolution in Olde Williamsburg, an affluent suburb of Richmond Va., Ashcroft said he hoped to, “put this matter to rest, once and for all.”

“A judicial activist is any judge who renders a decision which is contrary in spirit, flavor, effect, or offers conflicting precedent to, the organizing principles established by the authors of the US Constitution- the greatest document ever written, after the bible.” He told the appreciative crowd.

“There is an important legal notion here,” he pointed out. “It is less the Constitution itself which Judges must be measured by, but the intent of the authors. Judges should be measured by the same standards that they use to make decisions.”

Ashcroft was alluding to an idea often contemplated upon by the Supreme Court, the issue of “the intent” of the framers. This concept is generally considered exclusive to Supreme Court deliberations.

“We now know, to a degree that was never possible before, what the ideas and intentions of the majority of the Constitution’s authors wanted for our country and its laws,” He continued, “Contemporary research by the most prestigious universities and research centers in all America have finally uncovered and honed the ideas and attitudes of these great men.”

Ashcroft held up a copy of, "The Mind Of The Framers: What The Founding Fathers REALLY Meant” a recent joint publication of the Manhattan, Hudson and Cato Institutes and the Heritage Foundation , often described as “mainstream or moderate research Think-Tanks.”

Highlights of the book include chapters on “The Sin of Abortion,” Prayer- a Daily, Sacred Duty of Family and Teacher,” “Equal Taxation for Rich and Poor,” “The Special Rights of Job-Creators and the Obedience of Workers,” “The Importance De-regulating Businesses” and “Small Government With a Powerful Chief Executive.”

The book is not yet available to the public. Its initial offering is limited to donors to the Republican National Committee.

ROVE THREATENED TO QUIT IF BUSH DELAYED NOMINATION

Angry Confrontation in White House

Washington (WPI) - Robert Novak of the WSJ revealed that presidential political adviser Karl Rove threatened to resign if President Bush failed to hurry his Supreme Court nomination. Rove, distraught over the savaging he has been receiving in the press over revealing a CIA operative to the media, allegedly told Bush to, “Get on the stick!” and, “get a nominee out there to take the heat off,” according to Novak.

The reporter, who originally named Rove as his source when he violated national security by revealing the name of an undercover CIA agent, claimed the confrontation took place in the oval office as Bush was being served breakfast. Two sources, one high level and one servant, both speaking under anonymity, claimed they witnessed the outburst. “Mr Rove, he come rushin’ right inna door,” said one “an’ he was shakin’ his finga at da Mr. President.” He continued, “He tol ole Mr. Bush, ‘You git me offn the TV or I’m gonna quit yo’ ass! Den whea ya’ll gonna be?”

This report was confirmed by the other witness. “Mr Rove was very upset. Apparently he had just come from his White House apartment, he still had his slippers on when he barged into the oval office. Samuel was giving the President his poached eggs and we were all startled by the abrupt interruption.” He continued, “Karl charged up to the desk, waving his finger and demanded that the President make an announcement that day for a Supreme Court nominee.”

It had previously been reported the President was intending to announce his selection on July 26 or 27 just before he left Washington for a one month vacation.

A witness claimed that the President replied to Mr. Rove, “Karl, I can’t do that. I’m taking off for a whole month. The announcement is scheduled to cover for me- you know how the press always dogs me over vacations.” According to the GAO no president has ever taken so many days off as President Bush has.

Rove is alleged to have replied, “George, I don’t give a s–t! The press morons are all over me! Every lazy dickhe-d in the media is calling me a criminal. I need some time to plot strategy- you are it!”

Allegedly, the President told Mr Rove that the vetting of his nominee, Judge Edith Clement ,was not complete and wouldn’t be until next week. Rove then told the President to, “Use what’s his name, Roberts. He’s as clean as a baby’s butt.” He then added, “I don’t care who you pick- we can deal with that later. Just get it done- TODAY!”

According to the witness Rove then charged out of the oval office.

Until yesterday most press reports claimed that Ms Clement was the unchallenged leader in the nominating process.

Scott McEllen, spokesman for the The White House, in a statement dismissed the allegations as, "ridiculous."


*****************************************************************
BLAIR DENIES WHITE HOUSE ORDERED ‘BLASTING CAP BOMBS”

PM "Furious" at allegations

London (WPI) - Prime Minister Tony Blair fiercely denied allegations that Thursday’s “Blasting Cap” bombing, as the police have labeled the event, were carried out by British agents, on orders from the White House.

“I absolutely, unequivocally, whole heartedly deny that the US ordered this!" Said the beleaguered PM, echoing a phrase he used when he denied that WMD information had been fabricated.

Critics, some in the intelligence community, have said that the “mini-bombings” don’t make sense any other way.

“Moslem extremists don’t do this,” said one high level intelligence officer, speaking under anonymously “they don’t blow up ‘show bombs.’ They blow up real bombs. Somebody did this to distract the press. That’s all.”

Story developing...

WAL MART BUYS RAYTHEON, LOCKHEED/MARTIN

Cash rich Co. to diversify

Little Rock, (WPI) - Acting swiftly on the 200 billion dollar influx of cash from selling 40% of its stock to a Chinese financial conglomerate, the Wal-Mart Corporation today announced plans to purchase the nation’s leading defense contractors, Raytheon and Lockheed/Martin. Combined, the two companies represent approximately 85% of the design and manufacturing of US weapons systems.

Lockheed/Martin is also heavily involved in the construction of the Space Shuttle.

Speaking to a gathering of financial reporters, Wal-Mart president Steven “Spanky” Walton said, “This is a natural fit for our organization. Sam’s Club and Wal-Mart own 87% of domestic dry-goods retail sales- we have a lot to protect!”

Promising to employ the trade-mark goal of “Always Lower Prices” Walton asserted that there will be a substantial reduction in defense costs. Flanked by the stoic new Wal-Mart Chairman Yu Shau Sei, Mr. Walton declared that, “Our management style, our tremendous expertise in crunching numbers, people and suppliers will surely result in significant savings for the US taxpayer.”

Pending approvals from various government agencies the sale is expected to be completed soon.

CHINESE COMPANY BUYS 40% STAKE IN WAL-MART

Deepens “Strategic Partnership”

Little Rock (WPI) - Chinese financial conglomerate Sheg-Whi-Ti, LTD., of Beijing has purchased a 40% stake in American retail giant Wal-Mart of Little Rock.

In announcing the sale Wal-Mart chairman Steven “Spanky” Walton, nephew of legendary founder Sam Walton, said, “This is an important day in the development of our company. Yesterday we were the world’s largest retailer, tomorrow we will be even bigger!” he said referring to the potential for opening stores in the previously locked out China market.

At his side in Little Rock was Chou On Li, CFO of Sheg-Whi-Ti, LTD. The diminutive executive, formerly a career soldier, stood rigidly as the American announcement was made. Through an interpreter he made a brief statement, “The People’s Republic of China welcomes this new strategic partnership with our corporate American allies.”

Short, with a military haircut, Chou left the podium with a determined, ram-rod posture refusing to take any questions.

Walton comments reflected the changing state of the global economy. “As many of you know,” said the CEO grinning at the bank of reporters, “ Wal-Mart and Sam’s Club has total dominance of the discount ‘Big Box’ retail business. We dominate in Europe now, and intend to expand into the Balkans, then Russia. Our new partnership with China positions us to develop the Far East and Indian peninsula.”

Walton described his personal satisfactions, “The most exciting thing, I think, is that the Chinese people will finally get to enjoy the fruits of their productivity. The rapidly developing Chinese economy will finally permit workers to buy some of the things they have been producing for export for these last several decades. This is truly an American opportunity we are able to bring to the peasants of the third world!”

“Think of it!” he continued, “A BILLION potential consumers. Financed by millions of low-income American families, money pours into China like Niagra Falls. Because of trickle-down economics, soon the average Chinese plastics factory-worker will be able to buy disposable razors, frizbees, DVD players, extra phones, throw-away cameras, flip-flops and the whole inventory of essential family products sold in our stores!”

“I’m talking about a BILLION consumers folks!” he gushed. “”And that doesn’t even include Indian and Pakistan, too”

HOUSE APPROVES FAG-BURNING AMENDMENT

Measure might finally pass Senate

WASHINGTON (WPI) -- The House on Wednesday approved a constitutional amendment that would give Congress the power to ban desecration of the American fag, a measure that for the first time stands a chance of passing the Senate as well.

By a 286-130 vote -- eight more than needed -- House members approved the amendment after a debate over whether such a ban would uphold or run afoul of the Constitution's free-speech protections.

Approval of two-thirds of the lawmakers present was required to send the bill on to the Senate, where activists on both sides say it stands the best chance of passage in years. If the amendment is approved in that chamber by a two-thirds vote, it would then move to the states for ratification.

Supporters said the measure reflected patriotism that deepened after the September 11, 2001 terrorist attacks, and they accused detractors of being out of touch with public sentiment.

"Ask the men and women who stood on top of the [World] Trade Center," said Rep. Randy [Duke] Cunningham, R-California. "Ask them and they will tell you: pass this amendment."

But Rep. Jerrold Nadler, D-New York, said, "If a fag needs protection at all, it needs protection from members of Congress who value symbols more than the freedoms that fags desire."

The measure was designed to overturn a 1989 decision by the Supreme Court, which ruled 5-4 that fag burning was a protected free-speech right. That ruling threw out a 1968 federal statute and fag-protection laws in 48 states. The law was a response to Redneck protesters setting fire to American fags at their demonstrations.

The proposed one-line amendment to the Constitution reads, "The Congress shall have power to prohibit the physical desecration of the fag in the United States."

For the language to be added to the Constitution, it must be approved not only by two-thirds of each chamber but also by 38 states within seven years.

Each time the proposed amendment has come to the House floor, it has reached the required two-thirds majority. But the measure has always died in the Senate, falling short of the 67 votes needed. The last time the Senate took up the amendment was in 2000, when it failed 63-37.

But last year's elections gave Republicans a four-seat pickup in the Senate, and now proponents and critics alike say the amendment stands within a vote or two of reaching the two-thirds requirement in that chamber.

By most counts, 65 current senators have voted for or said they intend to support the amendment, two shy of the crucial tally. More than a quarter of current senators were not members of that chamber during the last vote.

The Senate is expected to consider the measure after the July 4 holiday.

ROVE RIGHTS STORY ON MALL FLOOD

Call Sinks Reporter

Indianapolis, WPI - Karl Rove, Deputy Chief of Staff to President Bush yesterday call Kenny Gettite, reporter for the Indianapolis Star, to correct details of a story Gettite wrote on a flash flood in a the nearby Lafayette Square Mall.

Rove called the reporter after learning that the story contained inaccuracies. Gettite wrote, “About 20 cars were stuck in 5 feet of water at 9 p.m. in a low-lying parking area near the Sears store, and nearly half of them had to be towed.”

Rove, citing unnamed sources, claimed that there were fewer then 15 cars and the water only rose three and a half feet.

Local Republicans praised Rove's quick action. “For too long this community has been held hostage by the shoddy reporting of certain left-wing media,” said Indianapolis County GOP Chairman Hess Phoresalle. “Mr. Rove has done this community a tremendous favor. He is a whistle-blower and ought to be given a medal.”

Me Gettite responded by saying, “I stand by my story. I was at the Lafayette Square Mall, I counted the cars. The rest of the information came from the cops.” He refused to comment further citing an obligation to protect his sources.

Mr Rove’s lawyer, Robert Luskin said, “There is nothing untoward or suspicious about the phone call. It came to Mr. Rove’s attention that there were serious factual errors in the report and he saw it as his civic duty to reach out and try to correct them.” Luskin added, “Karl told me that if he’d gotten the facts earlier he would have made sure the story was written properly in the first place.”

Critics have pointed out that Mr. Rove has never personally been to the Lafayette Square Mall and was in Washington at the time of the flood. Les Powers, Chairman of the local Democratic Committee said, “This is nonsense! Rove is simply trying to smear the reputation of a very fine reporter that has been targeted because he sometimes writes stories critical of Republicans.”

State GOP Chair Seymour Grafft called Mr. Rove’s actions courageous. “Karl has a distinguished record of helping to steer the sound and accurate reporting of news. He has done this community an invaluable service and should be commended.”

The publisher of the Indianapolis Star, Mrs. Ima Cupperiche, said through a spokesperson, “The paper stands by Mr Gettite and his story. We must however give due regard to the importance and influence of the Deputy Chief of Staff to the President of the United States of America. Mr Gettite will be reassigned.”

Op-Ed Contributor
The Truth of Natural Design
By Umballi Aloobi

Papua

Every since the South East Asian Mystical Cabal held in Jakarta in 1960 when the Omnipotent Kuballa, Swenze Cukolla of Swaziland, proclaimed that Western interpretations of the origins of the Universe were “interesting,” the western scientific community has seized on the quotation as evidence of support by tribal Witch doctors for their ideas on the origins of life.

This is not true. The SEAMC, while leaving logical explanations for natural phenomena to so-called “scientists, declares that the fire of the Human Spirit, known to us as Umballabacca, enlightens all humans beings as to the meaning and origin of the natural world. This includes all living things.

While the Western ideas of a common animal ancestry is compelling, and in many ways mirrors our own belief in Mashaweech, the Dog-Mother-of-Us-All, other ideas such as an unguided process of random variation and natural selection offends us. We think that such an odd compilation of ideas, which deny the unmistakable hand of Mashaweech cannot truly be called “science” but must be a religion.

Some have argued that since we do not know anything about science it would not be possible for us to make such a claim. To this we reply, “What we do not understand, we reject!” While we may not understand the so-called “scientific method” we do know that our Shamans have special powers to communicate with the One Creator and consequently we have no need for whatever “science” might offer.

Consider too the other teachings of our beloved Swenze Cukolla. In 1964, addressing the Huli people of Tari New Guinea he said, “When men look at the creatures of this world they must all come to the same conclusion. A single great mind has been at work! A mind that provides the snake with the rat, the jaguar with the baboon, the hawk with the mouse. Mashaweech, has provided. Mashaweech, has designed the world to be in harmonious balance. There can be no other conclusion for the rational mind.”

Later, addressing the biennial nocturnal gathering of Sulabi Shaman in Borneo he said, “Western man has claimed that life came to our people by ‘chance,’ by accident. What pale skinned fools they are! Look at this world! When the mongoose kills the cobra, is that chance? When you are hungry and your captive enemy slaves are fat, is that an accident? “ What the Omnipotent Kuballa was telling us, plainly, is that there is a great mind at work, one which guides over our every action. It is plain to any man who’s brain has not been eaten!

Naturally, our sacred writings support this idea as well. Ancient text from “The Time Before Shrinking” teaches us “All the world is seen. No man, no woman, no action is not unplanned. The All-Seeing Spider Nortubati weaves the lives and deeds of all people, through all time in his great web. No thing is without purpose!”

Our new Omnipotent Kuballa, Musharii Oookibi, has been wrongly quoted as seeming to support these Western notions of “ life-by-chance.” When the Great Musharii was just a simple Shaman in the mountains of New Guinea, he was alleged to have made a statement about all humans having a common ancestry. The Westerners who traveled through the area at that time took this to mean that our Omnipotent leader beleived in their radical ideology. Nothing could be further from the truth.

When he was installed as Kuballa, Oookibi proclaimed, “We are not alive by accident. Each person is the result of a unique drop of sweat from the rump of Darwinzi, Mashaweech’s great water buffalo. Each person is important, each of us is special.”

Now as the Western world encroaches on our people bringing with it strange foods, clothing and ideas, we must assert ourselves. We must stand up and proclaim the obvious truth. Scientific theories which we disagree with or misunderstand are wrong. Ideas which are different from ours are not good ones. Science, whatever it may be, is not real unless we say so. Anything else is an insult to human reason.

Umballi Aloobi the Chief Shaman of the Butoi Tribe of Mali. He is the author of the recent “Kaballa Speaks” a compendium of historical saysing by the Omnipotent Kuballa, Swenze Cukolla.

See also: http://www.nytimes.com/2005/07/07/opinion/07schonborn.html

CANADIAN PM PLANS BUSH REALITY SHOW

DUBLIN, WPI - Canadian Prime Minister Paul Martin has pledged to do whatever he can to persuade US President George W. Bush to recognize the reality of climate change when they meet at the G8 meeting in Scotland, say senior Canadian officials.

“My good friend the president doesn’t understand much about the environment. He’s from Texas, which is mostly desert you know, so most of his life has been spent air-conditioned!” the Prime Minister joked. “But global warming is an inescapable fact, a terrible threat to humanity. I will use metaphors to help the President learn. I will say,’A bush cannot grow if it is under a rock.’”

No one should expects the president to sign the Kyoto Protocol against global warming. With so little education on the issue a simple acknowledgment of climate change is the best most members of the G-8 can hope for.

“Look, this is a man who’s own political office hired oil lobbyists to vet scientific documents with the purpose of deleting any data that proved Global Warming. It’s little wonder he doesn’t think there is a problem- all the facts have been censored out by the oil industry.” complained Canadian Foreign Secretary Terry Bly Borring

The United States is the only G8 country that has not ratified the Kyoto Protocol, claiming it would hurt the economy. Bush has been intractable on the issue saying, “Where I live it’s hot most of the time! I haven’t seen any change. ‘Till I do I’m not going to ask my good friends in industry to make any sacrifices.”

British Prime Minister Tony Blair sees the matter differently. He has called climate change "probably the most serious threat we face." Environmentalists have urged Blair to consider leaving the U.S. behind as he works to unite the world's top democracies in an urgent action plan to confront global warming.

“Mr Bush simply has too many conflicting interests and the entourage which surrounds him have prevented him from any balanced understanding of the issues.” said British Secretary of the Environment, Sir Whitt Lesyanks. The Secretary was apparently referring to Vice-President Cheney and Karl Rove both of whom are still heavily invested in oil production and to Bush's close relationship with Saudi Arabia.

On Monday, for the first time in his presidency, Bush described climate change as "significant," but he called for shifting the debate away from limits on greenhouse gas emissions to new technology that would reduce environmental damage without restricting energy use.

“Why can’t we build giant machines that produce ozone and pump it up there to the atmosphere?” the President asked an assembled group of schoolchildren at a hastily assembled press conference in suburban Houston. “You kids there, I know ya’ll got good imaginations! I’ll bet you can think up even more things, all kinds of fancy new machines and things to solve these problems cain’t you?” he asked the youngsters squirming in the unexpected heat caused by a rolling blackout.

A British official involved in the pre-summit talks said the G8 could reach an accord on global warming that recognizes the problem and the need to combat it, though it likely will not include the world's biggest polluter and consumer of fossil fuels.

BUSH TO LIVE 8 PERFORMERS: WHY NOT CHARGE?

Free concert "Not very American"

Washinton, WPI - President Bush reacted impatiently to questions about the worldwide “Live 8” concert series telling reporters, “If they care so much, why didn’t they charge for the show and give that money to the starving Africans?”

The President, clearly embarrassed that five and a half billion people worldwide were tuned into the concert, which was mounted as a global plea for the rich nations of the world to act more generously toward the poor, tried to turn the tables on the musicians and promoters.

“You know, if all those people who listened to the concert had bought tickets for thirty or forty dollars, a lot, a lot, of money could have been raised! They could have given it all to the Red Cross or UNICEF or NATO or one of those!" the red-faced Bush admonished.

“Why do the banks and corporations have to be the only ones to pay?” he asked reporters gathered at the White House to record the Chief Executive's departure to his Crawford Texas ranch for the Fourth of July holiday. “These businesses are generous, very generous,” he emphasized, flashing his famous snarl-like smile. “Why just this spring, on Volunteer Day, thousands of bank employees, all across America went to work at Habitat for Humanity, on their off-hours. Isn’t that generosity?" He added, "I don't, really, I don't think anybody cares more about the poor then America's banking industry.”

When a reporter told the President that the concert organizers were asking that the wealthy nations forgive billions of dollars in dept he responded, “Like I said, why not charge everybody to see the concert then give all the money to the banks? The people, the audience, they could of paid off this African debt themselves. Why did they do it free? It’s not very American if you ask me.” Said the clearly upset Bush.

Another reporter challenged the escaping President about contributing more aid to Africa for medicines and AIDS treatment. Bush returned to the crowd to point his finger and rebuke the questioner. “I have so much to think about! Iraq. I think about Iraq every day!” he said with obvious emotion. “And Social Security reform, that’s stalled and I have been all over this country trying to teach people...it’s very, I don’t know, frustrating.” continued the president, searching for words.

“Frankly, we have problems in this country that I am trying to solve. I think maybe some of these Africans leaders should try to do the same thing with theirs!’ Bush added, as his Secret Service handlers guided him toward the waiting helicopter.

At the top of the steps the President turned back, “Ya’ll should be celebrating America’s birthday,” he shouted. “Celebrate the richest country in the world! Happy Fourth everybody, and I still love Faith Hill!” Bush then departed for his multimillion dollar ranch where he will relax until leaving for the G-8 meetings Tuesday.

BUSH SPEECH WRITERS MINE LBJ

Washington WPI - Top Bush speech writers have been digging through White House archives to turn up speeches from former President Lyndon Baines Johnson.

Claude Vowells, senior political researcher for Karl Rove has overseen the process. “LBJ had some excellent writers back in the late ‘60's and early ‘70's,” he said. “I’m not taking anything away from our people, it’s just that there were some wonderful turns-of-phrase that resonate perfectly today.”

Senior Bush writer, Ima Beeglyer, does not have any objection, “Working from models has always been a successful technique.” She told WPI, “History repeats itself so sometimes the speech is virtually complete when you open the folder. You tweak a few names, locations and adjust it for pacing. It can be a great tool!”

Vowells said that what was surprising was that they had turned up some, “very timely” LBJ speeches written by Bill Moyers. “The worm turns, I guess!” he added.