ANGRY VP TO INVESTIGATE RED CROSS

Crazy mad Veep

Washington (WPI)- Reacting with outrage to the allegation that nearly $200,000 in hurricane relief funding was looted from the Red Cross, Vice President Dick Cheney today named himself to lead a White House investigation into the mater.

“I am shocked. I am genuinely, personally horrified at these allegations,” said the Vice President in an early morning press conference. Cheney was responding to the news that indictments in the scheme had risen to 49.

“I will use all my authority, all my resources to root out these villains and bring them to justice!” stormed the visibly angry VP.

At least 14 suspects worked at a Red Cross call center in Bakersfield, Ca. They are accused of helping family and friends file false claims for aid money, said Mary Wenger, a spokeswoman for U.S. Attorney McGregor Scott in Sacramento.

The Bakersfield site is the biggest of three Red Cross centers that were established to manage hurricane calls. Others are in Niagara Falls, N.Y., and Falls Church, Va. Operators first qualified victims then provided them with a personal identification number which they would present to Western Union to receive the emergency aid funds. The scam involved employees providing PIN numbers to their friends and family who would then go to Western Union to collect the money.

None of those indicted were directly employed by the for the Red Cross. A spokesman for the Fort Lauderdale, Fla.-based Spherion Corporation, which operates the call center, have said the company didn't have time to run background checks on its 1,200 workers. The Red Cross contacted the FBI after it performed an audit of the call center and discovered that an unusually high number of claims were being paid out at Western Union outlets in the Bakersfield area.

“This is abhorrent, detestable, repugnant, obscene even!” fumed Cheney. “To think that civilians, citizens of the United States would so egregiously take advantage of their positions of authority simply to line the pockets of their friends and family- and, at the expense of innocent hurricane victims. This isn't like it was government money either- these were donations! Well, it’s almost more then the mind can bear.”

The Vice President promised a full and open investigation and that all wrong-doers will be punished to the fullest extent of the law. “I have consulted with Attorney General Gonzales, and we will punish these criminals under every statute we can muster.” promised Cheney. “Individuals who steal from the public coffers ought to be made to pay the maximum price!”

Although the typical false filing was for only $1000 losses may reach as high as $200,000, the Red Cross said.

The VP still owns a “blind trust” in the Halliburton Corporation, which he was the CEO of before joining the Bush administration. Halliburton has been accused of earning billions of dollars in non-competitive bids for services provided both in Iraq and for hurricane relief. Mr. Cheney did not comment directly on those accusations in today’s press conference.

SONY PLAYSTATION ADS FEATURE DISABLED

PHILADELPHIA (WPI) - Just before Christmas the Sony corporation unleashed a “guerilla” ad campaign in several big US cities. Allegedly hiring “local artists,” Sony directed them to spray paint the sides of vacant buildings with the likenesses of deformed, mentally impaired children playing with the new Sony PlayStation Portable.

The reactions have been anything but positive.

“This is not funny,” said Mark Mawurds, director of the Philadelphia Association of Retarded Citizens. “Look at those characterizations The children clearly have both physical and mental disabilities. They can’t even perceive the product, one child is licking it like a lollipop. If they think this is funny they are mighty wrong!”

Mr. Mawurds was urging the city to take legal action.

On Wednesday, Philadelphia Managing Director Pedro Ramos sent Sony Computer Entertainment's U.S. division in San Mateo, Calif. a cease-and-desist letter. He said that the city could claim modest fines allowed by zoning code or sue to recover any profit the ads produced.

"My fines aren't going to scare Sony," said Ramos. "What will worry them is what the parents and their users will think.”

The “stealth” marketing campaign has popped up in San Francisco, New York and other large U.S. cities.

“Stealth” ads have been around for years, even if Sony is just discovering them,” said advertising executive Hugh G. Liere of Metro Kool Advertising in New York. “It’s about ten years old and no longer considered hip by anybody except Asian companies I guess. I’ve never seen anybody use retarded kids before. That’s kind of cool.”

Sony did not respond to City’s letter or to a telephone message left by World Press International. Earlier this month however, Sony spokeswoman Molly Smith told an Internet news site that Sony was hiring artists in seven cities — Atlanta, Los Angeles, Miami and Chicago were the others — to spray paint the disabled children designs in already graffiti blighted neighborhoods.

"With PSP being a portable product, our target is what we consider to be urban nomads," Smith told Wired News. “These are very hip kids. They ridicule the slow, the ugly, the fat, the un-hip on a daily, if not hourly, basis. We are speaking directly to our consumer.

Sony’s own sales statistics suggest however that the biggest PSP consumer group are affluent suburban, mostly white, boys aged 9 to 17.

“They full a s–t!” said an angry Nefarious “Infeck’d” Johnson who lives near one of the buildings sporting the ads. “Nobody ‘round here buy that s–t. You walk ‘round wid dat, you get ripped, Jack. An I mean f–king pronto!”

Elefanta Bouttae, another neighbor was even more upset. “I got a brother who got Downs, that s–t ain’t funny. Mockin’ my brother just piss me off!”

In San Francisco, the ads were quickly defaced once word spread that Sony was behind them. "Get out of my city!!!" and "Fony" were added to one.

Not everyone agrees. North Philadelphia resident Sue Stupait, 39, thought the Sony ads were an improvement over the handbills and scrawls it replaced.

"I don't think that's graffiti," Stupait said. "That's art. I like the big eyes on the little children. I don’t know why they’re using the toy wrong, but I like it anyway. It’s cute!"

Both supporters and detractors agree that the campaign is designed to break through the clutter of advertising that permeates daily life. It is the content that disturbs most people.

“What douchebags,” said Zack Offe, bartender at a bar that faces one of the ads which has since been covered over by local graffiti artists. “These people are so far out of touch- mocking retarded kids. If they were cool at all they would have ads showing advertising people killing themselves- you know, blowing their heads off, hanging themselves, doing Hari-Kari, like that.”

MNF to ESPN! FANS TO PAY FOR MESSAGES

Grown men brave elements to promote corporate slogans

New York (WPI) - Last night saw the end of an epoch in television history when Monday Night Football left free TV, likely for good. ABC’s venerated broadcast, which had help build both the network and the NFL will no longer be seen over the air. Next year MNF will be available only on sister network ESPN, also owned by ABC/Capitol Cities.

“This is a sad but long anticipated day in television history,” understated ABC/Capitol Cities/Disney CEO Michael Eisner from Orlando. “It is not that professional football has left ABC so much as it is that we are moving closer to our goal of selling both advertising inside of programs and getting consumers to PAY to see them!”

Visiting team owner Robert Kraft of the world champion New England Patriots confirmed the concept. “Karl Marx called religion ‘the opiate of the masses,’ but he never met TV!” laughed the CEO. “Our research has confirmed that one of the basic psychological needs of human beings is to belong to a group- that’s what football is all about! If we can harness that need through sports then sell it back to people we are indeed successful businessmen! If we can sell both the need and advertising- at the same time- then we must be considered geniuses!” the modest billionaire added. All thirty two NFL teams are owned by billionaires. Jointly they employ an unidentified number of people.

The only negative note was sounded by Thomas J. Donohue, CEO of the US Chamber of Commerce. “Football is such an American institution, I fear that if consumers have to pay for it some of our long term social and political ambitions will be slowed.”

Expanding on this issue Donohue explained, “Football is one of our most powerful tools for teaching Americans, especially workers, about how to think, how to judge and what moral and political values they should hold. Professional football is crafted to promote our messages: While we permit individuals to excel, we always confine that success to the ‘contribution it makes to the team.’ It is all about team. There is the boss- the head coach and a group of totally dedicated ‘professionals’ who sacrifice everything- their health, their families, their home, personal comfort- everything of personal value for the success of the team. In exchange, they are rewarded with huge sums of money. Money that the average worker couldn’t earn in several lifetimes. When these workers are used up we discard them and get a hot new replacement. The value of total, unquestioning sacrifice, the potential of enormous, unrealistic rewards, ‘pride’ of success and accecptance of disposal- tolerating being replaced by someone yonger and faster- these are important messages to convey to the public. I hate to think we will be losing access to some folks because they now have to buy ESPN to hear those messages.”

“Tom is one of my best friends but I respectfully disagree,” countered Kraft. “There is no reason why consumers should not be asked to pay for these social and political messages. Team sports have been crafted, no pun intended, to explain to average Americans how to think and act in society today. The game is about teaching the public VALUES. Soon enough the folks who won’t or can’t pay for the NFL will find themselves out on the fringes of society, they will either drop out and disappear from the corporate radar or make the sacrifices necessary to conform, to belong to the group. I am very comfortable with the path we are going down.”

“I sincerely hope Bob is right,” said Donohue. “It has taken an enormous effort to take control of sports and turn it into the social, moral and political influence it is today. From punishing self centered individuals like Terrell Owens, to shaping the unrelenting moralizing by our announcers, to creating a machine of gleaming corporate obedience like the Patriots, the program to convert sports into ‘edu-tainment’ this has been a huge and very expensive project. It is only now beginning to deliver the spectacular returns we forecast. I hope leaving free tv doesn’t slow us down.”

“‘Those People’ should be made to work!”: NYC Man in the Street Says

New York City (WPI) - New York City, which has long prided itself as the greatest metropolis on earth, today finds itself embroiled in a nasty backlash some have labeled “racist.”

The war of words over the transit strike took an ugly turn after Mayor Michael Bloomberg described union heads as ''thuggish,'' a remark some said was racist in the context of a predominantly black union.

During a briefing on the strike at City Hall on Tuesday, Bloomberg kvetched that union leaders had ''thuggishly turned their backs on New York City and disgraced the noble concept of public service.''

Later, some City Council members and black leaders charged that Bloomberg's comment was racist because it was directed at leaders of a union that is more than 70 per cent minority.

''We resent the idea that you would characterize a predominantly black and Latino union as a bunch of thugs,'' said City Councilman Charles Barron.

World Press International took to the streets Wednesday to learn what the average New York citizen thought about the issue of race in the transit strike. For a city which has long proclaimed itself as the American icon of the “Melting Pot,” the replies were unsettling.

“Ze colored peoples are lazy and shiftless wherever one travels in ze world. New York ees no different!” snipped Rudie McFrogger, Maitre De at an exclusive Manhattan restaurant. “Wee, wee!” added his petite companion, Frenchie McFlamer.

“Good for me! Oh, yes, very good. Good for me. Thank you, Sir!” sing-songed an enthusiastic Stinkie McArab, a city cab driver.



“This strike is costing me a fortune! Those people should be grateful they have jobs at all!” whined Chyster McSheeny, an investment banker.




“Put ‘em all on a friggin’ boat and send ‘em back to Africa or Latinland, whatever!” Oozed Greassie McWoppo, a waste disposal consultant.



>“It’s hurting my head!” burbled Mick O’ Drunkie, bartender and part time wall paperer.

“Fire the lot of them! Pension indeed!” snipped Cheapie McScottish, a fabric importer.

“The Mayor should crush this strike immediately. Use the police, that’s vat they’re for!” shot Dexterminate McNazi, a pipe fitter.


“ No time, no time, no opinion. Too blizzy,” scoffed Zhmartr Zhen Zhou McChinky, a computer programmer from MIT.



“No good for blizzness, no good!” barked Charlie McSloopy Kim, elderly owner of a pet shop and Sushi Bar.




“The dark man was meant for a life of servitude!” sneered Toothy McLimey, a retired regimental commander in the British Army.

Despite living in the shadow of the great Statue of Liberty, New Yorkers are not quite as committed to diversity as they imagine themselves to be. At least not when a bunch of “coloreds” inconvenience them.

Contributing to this report: Smugger Mc Waspy, Holly R. Thanthou, Snowe T. Upstatter

US releases Dr Germ; Detains Pamela Anderson

Washinton (WPI) - The Justice Department today detained animal rights activist Pamela Anderson charging her as a “potential enemy combatant” and swept her off to an undisclosed destination. Anderson, 34, a long time member and spokesmodel for People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals had been under surveillance by the FBI for some years according to documents recently obtained by the American Civil Liberties Union under the Freedom of Information law.

Using a phone tap obtained without a warrant by the National Security Administration under President Bush’s Executive Order Ms. Anderson’s communications have been monitored for several months.

The documents obtained by the ACLU show that domestic spying by the FBI has increased a hundredfold since 9-11. Groups as varied as PETA, the Sisters of Saint Joseph, the Rabbinical Society of Lincoln NE., the Catholic Charities of Hudson Valley, the Baptist Workers Party as well as the "Vegan Community Project," of Indianapolis have been under surveillance.

MS Anderson was picked up for her support for an alleged protest planned for Taos NM against the use of llama fur.

After the attacks of Sept. 11, 2001, then Attorney General John Ashcroft, eased restrictions on the F.B.I.'s investigative powers, giving the bureau greater authority to visit and monitor Web sites, mosques and other public entities to develop terrorism leads. The bureau has used this power to investigate both groups with suspected ties to foreign terrorists and domestic organizations suspected of having links to protest, violent or disruptive activities.

“We based our plan on the model established by Attorney General John Mitchell in the 1970's’” said FBI spokesman E. Frances Symballist. “Elvis was investigated you know, as well as Jane Fonda, Bob Dylan and many other celebrities. This is really nothing unusual.”


Military Intelligence Officer, Col. Mitchell Lee Ecloosiff, said, “Ms Anderson we have learned was a participant is certain erotic, pornographic, movies which we have information may have been used to raise money for terrorist organizations. We intend to prob this allegation and stick a big fat monkeywrench far up any illicit plan she may be part of. If there she’s involved in a conspiracy she’ll bark like a dog about it soon enough, I guarantee!”

In a related story the Defense Department confirmed they released a group of 24 former officials in Saddam Hussein's government from an American military detention center over the weekend. Those turned loose included four leading figures alleged to have been crucial players in Hussein's program to develop weapons of mass destruction.

As most Americans have quickly forgotten, President Bush claimed Iraq’s imminent development of Weapons of Mass Destruction as the main reason for his invasion. Some of those released were considered “key players” in the alleged WMD programs. Their release seems to indicate that there REALLY wasn’t any such plan!

Dr. Huda Salih Mahdi Ammash, an American-trained biologist who was the only woman on the Revolutionary Command Council, the Baath Party's politburo under Mr. Hussein, and Dr. Rihab Rashid Taha, a British-educated biologist, were released Saturday. Dr. Taha, was known as "Dr. Germ,"

Dr. Ammash, was No. 53 among the 55 wanted Iraqis on the "deck of cards" list issued by the Pentagon ahead of the invasion. Dr. Taha was not included on the list.

Col. Ecloosiff explained that now that the WMD issue was “off the table,” the new domestic spying program was now more rewarding for national security. “There are only 52 cards in a deck anyway. Besides I’m itching to get into this Pam Anderson thing as soon as possible. ”

BUSH THREATENS TERRORITS THREAT, AGAIN

Bush surrounded by archetypal scary monsters

WASHINGTON (WPI) - Returning to the most consistent theme of his presidency, President Bush again invoked his own form of terrorist threat to defend his violation of civil liberties and menace the press for revealing it.

In his weekly radio address, unusually televised, Bush invoked the incessant threat of horrible things just about to happen to "innocent American citizens." Though time-worn, polls continue to show that scary stories about impending doom and devastation have consistently improved the president's approval ratings.

Most doubt however that this attack on the free press will influence the negative sentiment in congress toward renewing the onerous Patriot Act.

President Bush accused the New York Times of jeopardizing national security by revealing that he authorized wiretaps on U.S. citizens after September 11. According to leading members of congress, and the NSA agents involved, the wiretaps are illegal.

Bush said:

"As president, I took an oath to defend the Constitution, and I have no greater responsibility than to protect our people, our freedom, and our way of life."

"Yet in this first war of the 21st century, one of the most critical battlefronts is the home front. And since September the 11th, we've been on the offensive against the terrorists plotting within our borders."

"One of the first actions we took to protect America after our nation was attacked was to ask Congress to pass the Patriot Act."

"The Patriot Act has accomplished exactly what it was designed to do: It has protected American liberty and saved American lives."

"Yet a minority of senators filibustered to block the renewal of the Patriot Act when it came up for a vote yesterday. That decision is irresponsible, and it endangers the lives of our citizens."

"...I authorized the National Security Agency, consistent with U.S. law and the Constitution, to intercept the international communications of people...This is a highly classified program that is crucial to our national security. Its purpose is to detect and prevent terrorist attacks against the United States, our friends and allies."

"Yesterday the existence of this secret program was revealed in media reports, after being improperly provided to news organizations. As a result, our enemies have learned information they should not have, and the unauthorized disclosure of this effort damages our national security and puts our citizens at risk. Revealing classified information is illegal, alerts our enemies, and endangers our country."

"The American people expect me to do everything in my power under our laws and Constitution to protect them and their civil liberties. And that is exactly what I will continue to do, so long as I'm the president of the United States. BOO!"

Numerous Senators considering their vote on whether to renew controversial portions of the Patriot Act cited The New York Times' report as evidence that the government could not be trusted with the broad powers it lays out.

Sen. Arlen Specter, R-Pennsylvania, referring to the illegal wiretapping said such behavior by the executive branch "can't be condoned," and Sen. Charles Schumer, D-New York, said the report swayed his decision on the Patriot Act proposal.

OUSTED SCHOOL BOARD ACCOSTED

Crowd seeks Origin of the Feces

Dover, Pa. (WPI)- Members of the ousted Dover school board were accosted by students, teachers and parents today as they tried to leave their final meeting. Led by former chairman William Buckingham the board members were exiting Dover Senior High School when they we stopped by two 9th graders, Denny Trueheart and Eve O’Looten. The two teens demanded to know why the board had wasted so much time, money and energy trying to install the theory of “Intelligent Design” into the school’s science curriculum.

Buckingham told them to move but the students began to call him “stupid” and the board “idiots,” according to witnesses. With that, the adults tried to push past the teens to get to their cars. However, the confrontation had attracted more students who soon surrounded the board members.

“Creationism is stupid,” shouted one.

“The Universe is complex- so that proves it was made by God? Are you totally ignorant? What kind of logic is that?” demanded another.

“Intelligent Design? If the Creator is so intelligent how come we all die?” yelled out an older student.

By now the crowd had grown large and aggressive. Dozens of students were joined by faculty and parents who had come to pick up their children. Teens and adults were jostling and crushing in on the school board who looked bewildered and afraid.

“Intelligent Design?” confronted a science teacher, “Then explain Mental Retardation to me!” she demanded.

“Yeah, explain old age...and....diabetes and diarrhea and hemorrhoids!” shouted out an older Math teacher.

“Explain why the ‘Creator’ made asteroids, meteors, earthquakes, volcanoes, floods and hurricanes!” demanded the chairman of the science department.

“Guts!” yelled out a smaller boy, brother to one of the protesters, “why are we filled with smelly guts?”

“Yeah, explain the appendix! Explain the tailbone!” demanded a junior.

From all points people yelled out ideas, usually human biological frailties, demanding to know how such things could come from the creative design of a “Superior Being”

“Alzheimers!; Breast cancer!; AIDS; Blindness!; Baldness; Erectile Dysfunction!” Were some, followed by, “Siamese Twins!; SIDS!; Malaria; and Ignorance!” this last sending up a cheer from the crowd.

“Guts, stinking guts!” chanted the youngster.

“You can’t explain sh–t!” yelled out an angry senior.

“Poop!” Called out the small boy. “Explain poop!”

“Yeah, explain poop” someone demanded. It was soon taken up like a mantra, “Poop! Poop! Poop!”

The crowd of over 150 people, all bobbing in unison, chanted, “Poop! Poop! Poop!” as they pushed in on the terrified school board members.

Then Heather Geesey, one of the deposed group, let out a scream and appeared to collapse. Buckingham began to weep and looked skyward as if to find help there. “Please God, help us!” he cried out. The crowd, either disgusted or repelled by the pathetic scene, began to gradually pull back to release their hostages.

“Go on, get outa here!” and “You’re too stupid for words!” followed the shaken and sobbing group as they were freed to go to their cars.

The young boy, skipping alongside them as they hurried away, offered a new song to the tune of na-na-na-na-na-naaay,

“You can’t explain poo-oop!, You can’t explain poo-oop!”

SCHWARZENEGGER: KILLING IS WRONG!

Governor sends powerful message.

San Quentin (WPI)- The State of California and Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger sent a clear and direct message to criminals and those convicted of serious crimes today when they executed Stanley Touchi Williams, co-founder of the infamous Crips gang.

“Killing is always wrong, especially murder,” wrote Schwarzenegger in his decision denying Williams clemency. “When the state of Mississippi used to lynch Black men for whistling without a trial that was wrong too. We have had a trial. He was convicted. This Black man must die. It is only right.”

The Governor was asked why his native Austria, as well as all other western nations, forbad the death penalty, Schwarzenegger, whose name means "Black Nigger" in German, deferred the reply to a spokesperson.

“Arnold has killed, quite literally, thousands of men. What’s one more? I’m kidding- I mean in his movies!” laughed Barbra Buxome, aid to the Governor.