BUSH TO CROW ECONOMY AS WAGES INCREASE/DECREASE

'It's hard work!'

Washington (WPI) - After hitting new targets for lowered earnings for American workers President Bush tonight will highlight his successes with the economy while down playing the occupation of Iraq.

The Labor Department reported yesterday that wages and benefits paid to civilian workers rose last year by the smallest amount in nine years. The report said that employee compensation was up 3.1 percent in 2005. This is a drop of more than one half percent from 2004.

The decline in worker earnings came largely from corporations slashing benefits — items such as health insurance and pensions. These benefits, which are counted as wages in new Labor Department statistics, rose by only 4.5 percent in 2005 after “jumping” by 6.9 percent in 2004.

The 3.1 percent increase in total compensation, before inflation, for the 12 months ending in December was the smallest annual increase since a 2.9 percent rise in 1996.

Wall Street investors reacted swiftly to the good news.

“This is great, corporations finally have a process to divest themselves of those bulky and unprofitable health care costs and pensions” gushed Grant D. Richess, investment counselor at Bear, Sterns, “The goal of divesting benefits is well under way.”

“This moves us along our path toward lowering the overall standard of living in America to be more in line with the rest of the world,” said Thomas J. Donohue, Chairman of the US Chamber of Commerce, “Global markets work best when the consumer base is large. The fact is, the average Chinese family won’t become meaningful consumers until wealth migrates to China from someplace else.”

Not everyone was so effusive.

“This is diabolical!” raged Union organizers Wes and Virginia Minors. “The ‘Global Market’ plan of US corporations has only one goal: to slowly float the economy of China by siphoning off the jobs, wages and benefits of Americans! They are well under way!” claimed Mr. Minors.

Ms. Minors added, “Conservatives have convinced middle America, all those Red State voters, that ‘states rights,’ and ‘Christian Values’ and ‘small government’ are the important political issues . It has proven to be an excellent smoke screen for sinking the US economy with the full support of the victims.”

“Oh, pish-posh!” retorted Senator Bill Frist senate majority leader, “America must adapt to the global marketplace! These are the sacred forces of a free market economy. We can no more challenge these powers then we can alter evolution or the Word of our Lord!”

The new “Employment Compensation Index” which now includes the severe burden of benefits plus wages that companies must bear, should ease concerns at the Federal Reserve that improving labor markets could be starting to push up wage pressures which could ignite inflation.

“If we have too many good jobs being created then that exerts an upward pressure on wages as people quit lousy jobs for better ones, “ explained Donohue, “Increased job competition can have a devastating effect on the corporate bottom line, upset Wall Street and ruin the entire American economy over the long run. It is the single most dangerous element in the economic equation.”

Wages and salaries rose by 2.6 percent last year, only slightly higher than a 2.4 percent increase in 2004. The 3.1 percent increase in Total Compensation for the year was the smallest annual increase since a 2.9 percent rise in 1996, about ten years ago.

To Donohue’s satisfaction, the 2005 wage and benefit increase was still not enough to keep up with inflation. With inflation factored in, Total Compensation actually fell by 0.3 percent. This is the first time there has been a decline since 1996, when compensation/inflation was down by 0.4 percent.

For the final three months of the year, total compensation was up 0.8 percent, the same increase as in the July-September quarter, and a rise that was in line with Wall Street expectations.

“Overall we are happy with the results. Even though employees continue to show a modest increase in compensation, the important value- the decline in worker’s standard of living- continues it’s target decline. We are on track for an eventual world-wide wage equilibrium.” said Donohue

SPEECH TO 'BUSH-OFF' OPINIONS

The 'Good News' is coming!

Washington (WPI) - It is anticipated that President Bush will ignore both conventional wisdom and opinion polls to claim that his policies have been efficient, productive and successful in his State of the Union speech Tuesday night.

Those close to the preparations have told WPI that Bush will not acknowledge any of overwhelming public opinion numbers demonstrating that Americans are deeply dissatisfied with his goals and management.

Numerous polls taken across the nation in anticipation of the speech show, with a surprising and overwhelming uniformity, that the public believes President Bush has failed in every aspect of his administration from Iraq, to the economy, to disaster relief to making the country safer and less dependent on foreign oil.

However, Washington insiders are not surprised that the President will ignore the data. Political analysts suggest that Bush has never been concerned about his poll numbers and that the advancement of his political agenda is the central objective of the oval office.

“President Bush long ago put all his faith in Karl Rove to tell him what mattered and what the true ‘state of the Union’ is,” said Libertarian commentator, Stanforth Kracpotte, “Rove doesn’t ever measure ‘public opinion,’ he measures only the advancement of the NeoCon agenda. By that standard they have been amazingly successful.”

“Bush is in office for the next three years, who is going to get him out,” asked liberal analyst Drew Debonge, “The White House only cared about public opinion insofar as the data would help the President get reelected. After that, “Who cares?’”

“President Bush has been fantastically successful,” asserted ultra conservative analyst Nate Sobrite, “He has aligned the Christian Right as a fanatical support base, he has persuaded the public that ‘Activist Judges’ exist and are a problem, he has slashed the taxes on our super rich, the most productive members of American society I might add, and he has established a powerful military presence in the oil-rich Mideast, right at Russia’s doorstep. If the American public doesn’t like, it or share that vision, maybe they shouldn’t have voted for him!”

Moderate political pundit, Emmet Phaillure agrees, “Bush is the embodiment of a philosophy: A strong Executive who ignores Congress, public opinion, the security of the nation and anything else that doesn’t advance the goal of deconstucting the federal government insofar as it regulates business or impedes the ultra wealthy. In the only poll that matters to NeoCons, the opinion of the super rich ‘corporatists,’ Bush has an almost a 100% approval rating.”

“Karl Rove understands that the media is now spineless, directionless and controlled by ‘market forces’ which eviscerates any willingness to be controversial,” said moderate Ima Dedidea, “Without a press core to try and hold the government somewhat accountable, the administration can, and does, merely say one thing and do the opposite. What’s the penalty? What difference does public opinion make?”

“The public? What do they matter?” laughed progressive political writer Zane Inne, “If you required people go to the voting booth to give their opinion it would take three years to get enough data! At least half of the people who answer a opinion poll don’t ever vote. Why should Bush care. It’s smoke and mirrors with those guys anyway.”

“Look, Bush, Cheney and Rove stole the first election with voter fraud in Florida with an assist by the Supreme Court,” claimed Kent Winn freelance contributor to The New Republic, “They stole the next election with voter fraud in Florida and Ohio, what makes you think they’re afraid of a little ‘Public Opinion?’ These people TAKE what they want. Three years to go, public support or not!”

“Generating a negative attitude toward the government is desirable,” said Republican Blogger Ali Fook Yossafah, “Promoting the idea to the public that the Federal government is bad- stupid, incompetent, heavy handed and wasteful- is part of the agenda.

What do you think ‘Smaller Government’ is about? The NeoCons want a government which is empowered to impose and collect taxes but has no oversight on spending. This way the Federal government will act as a agent for big business to collect and distribute revenue under penalty of prison! These NeoCons are brilliant! Scary, but brilliant.”

“The President is doing just fine,” said Thomas J. Donohue Chairman of the US Chamber of Commerce, “The public is generally ignorant and naive. They are too susceptible to the liberal media. They are followers. The Bush administration is doing exactly what we elected them to do.”

BUSH CANCELS OPRAH APPEARANCE

Harpo is Oprah spelled backwards!

Washington, (WPI) - Citing scheduling conflicts, the White House today announced that President Bush was cancelling a scheduled appearance on the Oprah Winfrey Show slated for Monday. Bush planned to “chat” with the famous celebrity and discuss some of his plans for, “life after the presidency.”

Network promotions for the show had indicated that the Mr. Bush would talk about book and movie offers, speaking engagements, how “presidential celebrity” differed from ordinary celebrity and describe the progress and success in Iraq.

Political critics reacted to the news immediately.

Senate minority leader Harry Reid said, “I don’t think Mr Bush cancelled, I think Oprah did. Look at the embarrassment she suffered last week having to admit that the book she promoted was filled with lies. How’s she going to feel backtracking on Bush’s statements.”

Reid was referring to the revelation that author James Frey admitted that his “memoir” was largely fictional.

Winfrey, who helped Frey’s book skyrocket to the bestseller list after she deemed it “Oprah Book Club-worthy,” accused the former drug addict of “lying” and causing her “embarrassment and regret.”

“I trusted you. A heroine addict, alcoholic, crackhead, meth user and wife-abuser. I trusted you!” Winfrey tearily accused Frey on her program last Thursday.

“I have been really embarrassed by this,” a furious Winfrey said to Frey. “I was really behind this book . . . Now I feel that you conned us all.”

Even some conservative colleges of the President agreed.

Tucker Carlson, himself a favorite Oprah guest and “flamboyant” conservative political pundit said, “There’s no way she wants Bush on now. Oprah was terribly humiliated by the whole Frey-Gate thing. What’s she going to do with the President? He was nailed about WMD’s, Iraq is a disaster, Katrina bombed, etc., etc., etc. What can the poor guy say that sounds good and isn’t a lie? I just don’t think she wants to go through all those “Mea Culpas” again.”

White House spokesman Scott McCellen said that the President would reschedule his appearance soon

HIGHLIGHTS OF BUSH PRESS CONFERENCE

From AP, Reuters, NY Times...

Washington (WPI) - President Bush gave his first full-scale news conference of the new year, and the 10th since he was re-elected in 2004. He previewed his upcoming State of the Union address and fielded questions on former lobbyist Jack Abramoff, the shocking victory of the radical Hamas Party in Palestinian elections and the administration's cooperation with Congress on its investigation of Hurricane Katrina and Judge Alito.

No president, except for President William Henry Harrison who died 32 days after taking office in 1841, has given fewer press conferences then Mr. Bush. Harrison had given nine.

Highlights of the President's press conference-

* The President defended his program of warrantless surveillance, or the Domestic Spying Program, saying "there's no doubt in my mind it is legal!" Without elaborating Bush said, "The program's legal, it's designed to protect civil liberties, and it's necessary," Bush said.

Democrats have accused the president of breaking the law in eavesdropping on U.S. residents, numerous Republicans have questioned the activity as well. Bush shrugged off the idea that congress might write legislation to change or limit it. "It won't stop the program," Bush affirmed.

* On the Middle East, Bush shrugged off concern that Palestinian elections had given a vast and overwhelming majority to the radical party Hamas, which both hates the US and calls for the elimination of Israel. Bush called the election results a "wake-up call" to the old guard Arafat-PLO leadership, which, according to voters, no longer exists. The President said that elections, “Sometimes produce results that you don’t like,” which provoked a roar of laughter from the press corp, though Mr. Bush did not seem to see the irony.

* Questioned about the burgeoning controversy about disgraced lobbyist Jack Abramoff, Bush said he would cooperate with federal prosecutors investigating Abramoff and his alleged influence peddling activities. If necessary.

Bush shrugged off the media’s demand to release pictures of him and Abramoff. together that he acknowledged were, “very numerous.”

"There is a serious investigation going on by federal prosecutors — that's their job," the president said. "If they believe something was done inappropriately in the White House, they'll come and look and they're welcome to do so."

Otherwise, Bush shrugged, "I've had my picture taken with a lot of people. Having my picture taken with someone doesn't mean that I'm a friend with him or know him very well.

Even if the guy personally donated over $125,000 to my campaign and raised at least another quater million for us, that doesn’t mean I actually know him or do business with him or anything. "

"I've had my picture taken with you," Bush shrugged to the reporter who asked the question.

* The president shrugged off criticism of the White House’s lack of cooperation with congressional investigations into the failed Federal response to Hurricane Katrina. He cited the thousands of documents the White House has provided.

The President supported White House refusal to provide records of meetings claiming it would have a "chilling effect" on the ability of presidential advisers to speak freely. He shrugged off congressional complaints that full disclosure was needed to identify the problems with the federal reaction and begin a process of improvement.

* Bush also said that his pick for Supreme Court, Samuel Alito, deserves to be confirmed in the Senate and shrugged off the minority-party Democrats who are vigorously speaking out against him the nominee.

"The Senate needs to give him an up or down vote as soon as possible," Bush said, “We have given the Democrats all the ‘Full Disclosure’ they’re going to get. I know what Judge Alito stands for and that should be enough for anybody,” the grinning President shrugged.

* Bush shrugged off a recent Pentagon report which concluded the Army was overextended and the US cannot sustain the pace of troop deployments to Iraq long enough to defeat the insurgency.

Without offering any specifics the President said the military was transforming itself to ensure the armed forces could meet its goals in the 21st century. He predicted victory in Iraq and said, "Our commanders will have the troops necessary to do that."

"After five years of war, there is a need to make sure that our troops are balanced properly, that threats are met with capability."

* Before leaving the podium Bush shrugged off questions comparing the successes of five year’s warfare in the Middle East to the Allied conquest of Nazi Germany in World War II which took the US four years.

OIL EXECS LASH CRITICS OVER PROFITS

Texas Tea Profitable

Washington, (WPI) - Thanks to soaring consumer oil and gas prices, ConocoPhillips posted an astonishing 51 percent gain in profits for the fourth-quarter on Wednesday, providing Americans a glimpse of what is anticipated to be an absolute bonanza for the oil industry.

The Houston-based company's earnings reached $3.68 billion, or $2.61 per share, compared with $2.43 billion, or $1.72 per share a year ago in spite of production problems left over from hurricanes Katrina and Rita.

Barely three months ago ConocoPhillips reported 3rd quarter profits up almost 90 Percent to a record $3.8 billion, or $2.68 a share. Full-year profits jumped to $13.53 billion, up from $8.13 billion in 2004.

ConocoPhillips is the nation's third-largest integrated oil company behind Exxon Mobil Corp. and Chevron Corp.

Criticism began almost immediately after the company reported earnings. From Senators, to Congressman to Attorneys General, to transportation companies and even the forgotten consumer a loud objection was raised at what Americans perceive to be price gouging by the oil industry.

Apparently having taken a lesson from the sweeping and damning attacks the industry suffered after its third quarter results were announced, this time the industry was ready to counter-punch its critics.

ConocoPhillips spokesman Chuck Yoo told World Press International, “This is still a market driven economy. Supply and demand are what determines prices. The average American simply doesn’t understand the pricing cycle of oil products.”

“When you criticize an oil company you are actually criticizing millions of hard working Americans. Oil companies are not owned by a few very wealthy investors, we are not owned by big Wall Street investment companies,” asserted Yoo. “No, oil companies are owned by thousands of regular Americans through their pension plans, their 401k programs, mutual funds and day trading. These are the people, hard working, average American families, that are being condemned when it is claimed that we are price gouging. Gouging WHO, I might ask?" Yoo pressed.

“Let me explain,” he continued, “If you have a pension or 401k retirement plan of say, $250,000 you have likely diversified it into five types of mutual funds. One of those is likely a utility or energy stock fund. So you have about $50,000 invested in energy stocks!” claimed Yoo.

“Of that $50,000 probably a third, or $16,333 is invested in actual oil companies. At our average share price this year of $57.50 that is about 284 shares! With dividends of almost $10 per share for the year the average American will earn about $2840!” Yoo gushed, “That is nearly $3000 for every American with a retirement plan! Do you think THEY don’t like our profits.”

The Government Accounting Office has claimed that fewer than 40% of Americans are invested in company pension plans, 401k retirement plans or invest on their own. The GAO also reported in November that the bottom 20% of the working public will likely have to choose between food and paying their energy bill at some point this winter.

The American Investment Council disagrees with Yoo’s conclusions however. Brad Haredae, spokseman for the Council which tracks investment statistics, said that while oil companies do have thousands of investors only a few matter.


“The total number of small investors, those with fewer than 1000 shares is about 1% of ConocoPhillips shareholders. About 60% of the company is owned by a few families or individuals and the rest is owned by Wall Street investors, including mutual fund companies,” Haredae claimed.

“Mutual fund shareholders and individual investors will NEVER get a seat on the Board of Directors!” Haredae laughed.

Over the past year consumer energy prices have skyrocketed. In September the Consumer Price Index saw the largest increase in 25 years. The report claimed that consumer costs for energy shot up by 12 percent, led by a 17.9 percent surge in gasoline prices. Home heating costs have nearly doubled. The average American is spending about $4200 more this year for energy than last year.

“That is exactly the point, “ Yoo replied to the data, “Who wouldn’t want that extra $3000?”

GONZALES POO-POO’S SPY CRITICS

WASHINGTON (WPI)- Attorney General Alberto Gonzales defended the Bush administration's Domestic Spying Program (DSP) and suggested that critics and the news media have intentionally misled Americans about the extent of the National Security Agency's surveillance on Tuesday.

Gonzales said spying on millions of unsuspecting US citizen’s phone, travel and internet browsing is critical to prevent another terrorist attack within the United States. He also claimed that such warrantless surveillance falls within President Bush's constitutional authority and the powers granted by Congress immediately following the Sept. 11, 2001 terrorist attacks. He did not cite any constitutional authorization

At a Georgetown Law School Forum, Gonzales said the nation needs "to remember that ... it's imperative for national security reasons that we can detect reliably, immediately and without delay" any al-Qaida related communication entering or leaving the United States.

“Had the President known that Bin Laden planned to attack the US using commercial aircraft and that the twin towers were targets before September 11th he might have been able to act!” Gonzales cautioned.

The Attorney General liked the surreptitious spying to searching for pearls. “Those lovely young Japanese woman have to dive many, many times looking through hundreds of oysters before they find even a single small pearl. Searching for al-Queda information is like that.” He told the snickering audience of college law students.

The attorney general's visit to Georgetown’s law school is part of a campaign by the Bush administration to overcome criticism, often by attempting to redefine, re-describe, re-limit re-title and obfuscate the dimensions and objectives of the spying program.

At Kansas State University on Monday, Bush demanded that domestic spying should be termed a "terrorist surveillance program" and contended it has the backing of legal experts, key lawmakers and the Supreme Court without citing specifics.

Gonzales for his part attacked what he termed, “Gross exaggerations and outright lies by the press and media,” claiming they have mischaracterized details about the program.

"Unfortunately, they have caused concern over the potential breadth of what the President has actually authorized," he said. “These institutions have a sacred duty to tell the truth. Some in the press have violated that responsibility. How would it be if the federal government mischaracterized, lied or distorted the truth of an important issue? No one would believe us after that! We would have no credibility. Well, the press is in danger of losing its credibility in this matter!”

Defending the recently revealed information that the government had subpoenaed internet records of millions of unsuspecting and unsuspected internet browsers he said, “This is not the war on terror, this is the war on child porn. If we happen to find some information that helps fight terrorists, all the better.”

Gonzales asserted that no warrants were needed by the federal government to demand the personal records of internet searches by millions of citizens. He said the data was largely anonymous.

“The information we get looks the same as it does to the record companies. There are no names, only code which identifies individual computers. Once we establish that somebody has done something wrong, downloaded fake pictures of the president’s daughters naked for example, then we can subpeonea the name of the computer owner from his ISP provider, AOL or whoever.” Gonzales told the suddenly silent students. “After that we get the arrest warrants.”

CHINA SUES US FOR NO BID TORTURE CONTRACTS

Images courtesy Beijing Chamber of Commerce, (c)2005

Washington, (WPI) - Claiming violations of the Free Trade Agreement and federal regulations on open bidding the government of China filed a $3 billion dollar lawsuit in federal court in Washington today.

The suit stems from the report released yesterday by the Council of Europe which stated that the US operated secret prisons in Europe and outsourced torture to other countries.

“America complains about the balance of trade with China, yet here is an example where we were not even invited to bid. We are America’s largest export partner,” said Woo Zhall Zhang, Director of Capitalist Fiance, “We have always sought to bring equilibrium to our trading but we cannot when there are secret bidding practices which bar us from competing.
”

Europe has long complained about illegal “dumping” of torture services onto nations of the EU. Eastern countries, notably those of the former Soviet Union, have been especially vocal about the allegations.

In a complaint filed with the World Court in 2004 Latvia charged that it lost numerous torture contracts from Saudi Arabia, Yeman and the Phillippines to China.

China denies the allegations.

“We have our own methods which have been perfected for over 5000 years,” said Zhou Zhoud Dy, China’s Minister of Interrogation, “There is no need for us to dump our product, it is far superior to what the Europeans can offer.”

The Council of Europe report said that the US may have transferred more than 100 terror suspects in recent years to countries where they underwent torture. It launched its probe after allegations surfaced in November that U.S. agents interrogated key al-Qaida suspects at clandestine prisons in eastern Europe and transported some suspects to other countries passing through Europe.

May B. Ouekillzem, EU Minister of the Trade, reacted with reserve to the report and lawsuit.

“Perhaps some such service was provided, we do not know. However, all members of the European Union have the innate right to compete in the global marketplace without limitation. We take the allegations made by China with great seriousness.”

Scott McEllen, White House Press Secretary, did not immediately return calls for a comment.

JOURNALIST RELEASED: HOPE RISES FOR OTHERS

Baghdad, (WPI) - Bowing to increased international pressure and after an emotional, televised plea by his parents for his release, a Reuters journalist was finally freed by his captors after eight months yesterday.

Samir Mohammed Noor was the third journalist working for Reuters to be freed by his abductors after two others were released a week ago.

Noor, a 30-year-old freelance television cameraman, was kidnaped from his home in the violent northern city of Tal Afar in early June during a sweep of his neighborhood by Iraqi and U.S. troops. During his captivity Noor spent time in Baghdad's infamous Abu Ghraib prison and more recently at Camp Bucca in southern Iraq.

At least two journalists for other international media organizations are still being held by occupation forces. Their whereabouts are unknown and their abductors have made no demands or statements about releasing them.

The father of the kidnapped Iraqi journalist begged his captors in a statement televised on Monday that he was not their enemy and would tell their story. In a direct appeal broadcast on CNN eight months after the 30-year-old Noor was abducted, Majed Mohammed Noor urged his son’s kidnappers to release him alive.

"I hope that you heard the conviction in Samir’s voice when he spoke of your country. That was real," he said. "He is not your enemy. When you release him alive, he will tell your story with that same conviction."

In a strikingly similar event, the father of an American journalist abducted on January 7 made several direct appeals to her captors via televised statements.

Jill Carroll, 28, a freelance journalist working for The Christian Science Monitor, was abducted on January 7 by kidnappers who also killed her Iraqi interpreter. Her family has made several direct appeals to her captors via televised statements.

On Jan. 19 Carroll’s mother appealed for her daughter's release after her captors threatened to kill her if U.S. authorities failed to release all Iraqi women in military custody.

Mary Beth Carroll told CNN that video images gave her hope that her daughter is alive but also have "shaken us about her fate."

"I, her father and her sister are appealing directly to her captors to release this young woman who has worked so hard to show the sufferings of Iraqis to the world," she said.

Jim Carroll pleaded in a statement televised on Monday that his daughter was not an enemy and would tell their story.

In remarkably similar language to the Noor plea, Carroll said, "I hope that you heard the conviction in Jill's voice when she spoke of your country. That was real," he said. "She is not your enemy. When you release her alive, she will tell your story with that same conviction."

Carroll's abductors have threatened to kill her if all women prisoners in Iraq were not freed, but their deadline of Friday has passed with no word on her fate.

She was the 36th reporter to be kidnapped in Iraq since April 2004, according to the New York-based Committee to Protect Journalists. Six of them have been killed.

"We are glad that all journalists working for Reuters in Iraq are now free," said Reuters Global Managing Editor David Schlesinger.

"We are concerned, however, that it has taken so long -- nearly eight months in the case of Samir -- to secure their release, despite a lack of credible evidence against them."

Two Reuters journalists from the uncontrollable city of Ramadi, cameraman Ali al-Mashhadani and reporter Majed Hameed, who also works for Al-Arabiya television, were freed last January 15 after five and four months in US custody respectively.

Still being held is a cameraman from the northern city of Mosul who works for the U.S. television network CBS. He has been in captivity since April, 10 months, with no word about his fate from his abductors.

Reuters and numerous international media rights groups have repeatedly protested the long U.S. detentions of journalists without any legal process.

The news organizations have particularly criticized the military's refusal to act faster on US suspicions about the reporters' legitimate journalistic activities of covering the occupation and insurgency.

Reuters is gathering information from the three released journalists to learn more about the circumstances of their arrests and detention.

Schlesinger said: "Nothing we have heard so far from either the U.S. military or our colleagues indicates that suspicions were raised against them for any other reason than their courageous and honest pursuit of professional journalism."

The Committee to Protect Journalists reports that since the US invasion in March 2003, 60 journalists have been killed in Iraq.

By Nationality they are:
• Iraqi: 41
• European: 9
• Other Arab countries: 3
• United States: 2
• All other countries: 5

By Circumstance:
• Insurgent action: 36 (Includes crossfire, suicide bombings, and targeted killings.)
• U.S. fire: 13
• Iraqi armed forces, during U.S. invasion: 3
• Crossfire or other acts of war in which source unconfirmed: 8

By Job:
• Photojournalists: 20 (Includes still photographers and camera operators.)
• Reporters and editors: 30
• Producers: 7
• Technicians: 3

Samir Mohammed Noor was abducted by Occupation forces. Jill Carroll was abducted by Insurgent forces. Data is kept only on the number of journalists kidnapped by Insurgents. The number of journalist held by Occupying forces is unknown.

ROBERTSON PRAISES FLA TEENS

Power of Babble

Virginia Beach (WPI) - Quoting from the Old Testament, “If thine eye offend thee, pluck it out!” TV evangelical Pat Robertson yesterday praised the actions of two teens arrested in Florida and charged with the murder and beatings of homeless men.

Robertson, speaking on his daily religious program, “The 700 Club,” said, “God has charged us all with the duty to care for our communities. These young men were following God’s word!”

The teens, Brian Hooks, 18, and Thomas S. Daugherty, 17, have been charged with the murder of Norris Gaynor and aggravated battery for the beating of Jacques Pierre, police Capt. Michael Gregory said.

The Pierre attack, which took place on the Fort Lauderdale campus of Florida Atlantic University, where he had been sleeping on a bench shortly after 1 a.m., was videotaped by a campus surveillance camera. The footage showing two males chasing and beating Pierre with baseball bats was broadcast nationally in an effort to locate the assailants. (Watch the attack in its entirety and looped for endless replay, here: dailyhotvideos.FOXnews.com)

“These people are a blight on our families, a danger,” Robertson said, “they must be cleansed from our communities!”

Invoking Old Testament quotations referring to Sodom and Gomorrah and Lot’s wife, Robertson drew a parallel to today’s society.

“Our Blessed Father instructed us to care for others, ‘Love they neighbor as thyself’ This means to love your neighborhood as thyself! If a stinking drunk started to invade your house you would thrash him to an inch of his life!”

Robertson, himself the son of an abusive and alcoholic father, which he details in his autobiographical book, “Some Wounds Never Heal,” was visibly angry when he discussed the arrests.

“These boys did nothing wrong! Nothing I would not have done. God has charged us to care for our communities and beating and beating and beating and beating these drunken bums- beating them as hard as you can, over and over and over, hitting them, punching them, kicking them, slapping them, embarrassing them in front of their friends, beating up their mothers, hitting and hitting and hitting and hitting and hitting them...well, this is only the righteous justice of the Lord!”

Robertson’s co-host, Terry Meeuwsen, took over the balance of the broadcast as Robertson abruptly left the set.

A spokesman for the program said that Robertson left the stage, for personal reasons, “Dr. Robertson has been on a strict diet of ‘Pat's Age-Defying Shake.’ Sometimes, at his age he needs to go the bathroom in a hurry. This was not another breakdown.”

The multimillionaire religious broadcaster and former radical-right presidential candidate, Robertson became a "health-food promoter" when he introduced "Pat's Age-Defying Shake" to viewers in August 2001, signing a deal with GNC to distribute it.

Robertson, 75, has said he created the recipe himself when he turned 60 and began studying the connections among nutrition, aging and health.

The commercialization of Robertson's shake has drawn fire from the Trinity Foundation, a Dallas-based religious media watchdog organization. Trinity has been critical of most Robertson business ventures, such as his African gold and diamond mines and Kalo-Vita ("Good Life"), a multilevel marketing company that hawks vitamins and "Sea of Galilee," cosmetics to his religious constituency.

Ole Anthony, Trinity's president, claimed Robertson has improperly and illegally used his tax-exempt, nonprofit ministry to create a market for his shake and other dubious products.

"None of this stuff would even exist unless it was promoted on donor-paid-for air time on CBN," he said, adding, “Robertson’s entire career has been built on the ‘Bait and Switch’ technique of religion and bogus products. Come to think of it- aren’t they the same thing?!”

MILITARY ACTS SWIFTLY ON ARMOR FOR TROOPS

Washington (WPI) - The US military moved quickly yesterday to get improved body armor to the troops in Iraq. Stung by recent criticism that the military had known about the vulnerabilities of the existing armor for more than two years, a joint commission was named to both investigate and expedite production and shipping.

“Our fighting men deserve the very best protection this country can provide,” said Army General George “Patton” Pendding who will head up the commission. “We will move with all appropriate speed to make this happen!”

The commission, named Operation Iraqi Metal Gear Solid, will be made up of high ranking officers from all the branches of the military.

General Pendding introduced the Committee Heads from the Commission.

Admiral Ed “Bull” Minastrater, of the Marine Corp will chair the Committee to Examine Production Costs and Facilities Locally and Abroad (CEPAFLA.)

Admiral Harry Upanstope, of the Navy, will chair the Committee to Analyze Ballistic Incursion and Penetration (CABIP.)

Colonel Hugh Lee Eneptt, of the Army will chair the Committee to Analyze Shipping, Transportation and Logistics (CASTAL.)

General Bobby “Bird” Droppens, of the Air Force, will supervise the Committee to Determine Past Production Delays (COMDATPASPRODLY)

Major Al Wayzsaclerke, of the Special Forces, will head the Committee on Coordination of Current Analysis and Hierarchical Organizational Operations (COCOOCACHOO)

General Pending said the Commission will begin meeting no later than March and he expects the first reports to be submitted by November.

“It is important that this process be as thorough as possible. While speed is of the essence the well established military procurement principles of Content, Yield and Accuracy must always take priority.”

NUMBER OF GAY/BI NASCAR DADS SWELLS

Bi-Hunks out West

Cheyenne, Wy., (WPI) - The number of ordinary middle-class American men who have realized that they are gay or bisexual continues to rise steadily. The Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation (GLAAD), which unofficially tracks the number of people who “play for the other side” or are “switch hitters,” claims there is a huge cultural eruption shooting across the face of America.

“Men who have spent their entire lives watching football, NASCAR, racing around in big trucks and ATV’s, have suddenly recognized that this life-style is totally gay,” claims Bob Downe, spokesman for GLAAD.

Gay organizations point to the film Brokeback Mountain as the stimulus for change. The film staring Heath Ledger and Jake Gyllenhaal, tells the story of two married cowboys who, left alone for long periods on the prairie, fall in love and begin a “physical relationship.” The film has been nominated for numerous awards and is currently flirting with the Oscars.

“Somehow the film has stuck a cord with the typical American male. Ordinary guys are beginning to realize that it’s OK to feel loving toward their men friends. It’s very natural and fulfilling. In fact, it’s truly beautiful,” Downe choked.

According to UC Berkeley Dean of Psychology, Art Hugeswetye, there are many forces at work that nurture a gayness in American males.

“All that super-masculine marketing that men are subject to actually describes a very gay lifestyle,” Hugeswetye said. “Look at the ads in a football game or car race. They are constant repetitive depictions of men being with men and having the best times of their lives. Why this message? Because companies that spend hundreds of millions of dollars trying to influence a purchase decision understand the potency of depicting their product in a “male bonding” scenario,” Hugeswetye asserted.

“Millions have been spent on focus groups, on marketing research of all kinds, and the conclusion is that immature male-on-male adventuring scenarios, whether it’s tear-assing around in a big phallic “ram” truck or shoving big white phallic burritos in their mouths, WORKS. Why does it work? Because the typical macho-acting American man is at least bisexual, if not totally gay. European men have awaken to the reality of their ambiguous sexuality, certainly all Frenchmen. Blue collar Mr. Joe Beercan is beginning to wake up too. A few more movies like “Bareback Mountain” and watch out!” Hugeswetye giggled.

American men seem to be reacting as predicted. WPI visited several movie theaters where the film was being shown to collect reactions. Here’s a sampling of what we found.

“For years me and a few good friends have gone on hunting and fishing trips, we go away to the races together. These are the best times of my life. If we could get laid , without all the baggage of hookers, it would be the perfect life.” said Rob Forrestal, a lumberjack from Spokane, Wa.

“Every time I went to a Raiders or Giants game there’d always be a time-out when they’d play that YMCA song. I used to mock the Village People but I’d do the dance like everybody else not really thinking about it. Now I understand where they were coming from. I really do!” said Snap-On-Tool salesman Pete Ryder.

“We’d always rather be with our buddies drinking, playing sports, hunting or even just watching tv then be with our wives. Maybe that’s gay, I dunno but I am finally feeling free enough to open myself up to the possibility.” said Rodney Bunge, a factory worker from Hershey Pa.

Added Rodney’s companion construction worker, Guy Pheeler, “We’ve seen this movie together three times now. I know how those guys felt. I’m just glad it’s beginning to be OK to feel that way. We need more movies like this.”

Next year director Ang Lee plans to shoot a film about the secret life of two Greek warriors tentatively named,”Trojan Horse. “

WAL MART MOVIE SCANDAL WORSENS

Denies monkey shines

Little Rock (WPI) - Yesterday Wal-Mart Stores Inc. shut down the system that creates movie recommendations on its shopping Web site after it linked a "Planet of the Apes" DVD to films about famous Black Americans.

Wal-Mart announced it had removed what it termed the "offensive combinations" from the walmart.com “Movie Suggestions” page which promoted, "Planet of the Apes: The Complete TV Series." The page included a link to a listing of "similar items" which delivered shoppers to a list of films about the lives of actress Dorothy Dandridge, boxer Jack Johnson, Martin Luther King Jr.and singer Tina Turner.

Wal-Mart reacted after the company learned that the link was sweeping across the internet.

David Earle, a spokesman for the Bentonville, Ark.-based company, said it wasn't yet clear how or when the technical problem arose. "We're still looking into it," he said, “an I wish ya’ll would go away.”

"Walmart.com's item mapping process does not work correctly and at this point this mapping appears ‘seemingly random,’ if you know what I mean” he added.

"Oh, yeah, “Earle said returning to his text, ”We are heartsick that this was discovered and are currently doing everything possible to correct the problem,"

Wal-Mart, which has come under increasing criticism recently for its corporate policies of paying “associates” unlivable wages, forbiddingemployees from taking lunch and bathroom breaks and locking them in the store even after their shifts are over as well as urging workers to seek food-stamps and medicare for family health insurance, scrambled to minimize the suggestion of simple back-woods Arkansas racial hostility in the internet linkages.

"I do not believe this is the result of someone’s sense of humor, but if it is, that cracker is going to git his ass fired!” Wal-Mart spokesman Wally George said in a statement. “No, I believe this is some kinda computer glitch.”

Other films that were accidently mapped to the Famous Black Americans page included: Monkey Business; Spank the Monkey; Funky Monkey; Amos and Andy Box Set; Rosewood; Rebecca of Sunny Brook Farm; Birth of a Nation; Ghetto Booty Volume 1-16; Smokey and the Bandit; Up in Smoke; The Black Stallion; Meet Joe Black; Black Hawk Down; Black Beauty; Creature from the Black Lagoon; Bad Day at Black Rock; Dick; Johnson Family Vacation and The Monkees- DVD Box Set.